Diary of a Siriusly Skewed Individual
by First of the Geeks
Summary: I'm just your average 16 year old student. Who may or may not cost my house victories and conduct conversations about my nether bits in public. And I am NOT obsessed with a certain Mr. Black. Honest.
1. I Am NOT Accident Prone!

**August 27 **

Bedroom  
11:37 PM

I think its safe to say that I'm not looking forward to my sixth year at Hogwarts. The teachers hate me, the classes are boring (I sleep better in the History of Magic classroom than in my own bed), the food is bad…

Plus my fellow Ravenclaws hiss and throw things (mostly only crumpled up pieces of paper, thank Merlin) at me, and frankly, I have no idea why.

…

OK, so in my third year I tripped the Seeker and consequently broke his leg a week before the Quidditch Cup. But he could have had the nurse fix him up. It's not my fault he was a bit of a wuss and wouldn't take the potion to mend his leg. You'd think that people would commend me for showing everyone what kind of person he really was, but nooooo, I just cost everyone the Cup.

And, yea, I did start a fire in the Common Room the day right before NEWT testing in my fourth year. But really, it was only a tiny one, and the fifth years shouldn't have had their notes that close to the fireplace anyway. Honestly, I think they should be happy that I pointed out how bad it is to hold papers out while standing next to a fire!

You know, despite the fact that it's very obvious, that you, er, shouldn't.

…

And you'd think my housemates would be over the little incident last year. So what if I lost us fifty points? It's fifty points! And, yea, OK, it was the first time we would have won the House Cup in fifty years, but it's not that bad. I mean, a hippogriff could have come in and killed us all, and that would have been _infinitely _worse.

…

Seriously, I'm the only one who properly appreciated the irony of the whole situation. You know, fifty years, fifty points. Everyone else was like , "Oh, _thanks_ for ruining the chance for us, Miss Screw Up," which really, if you think about it, wasn't all that clever. I mean, they could have added an alliteration in there or at least _something_.

Sigh.

And you'd think that my fellow Ravenclaws would appreciate my effort for a good grade. So what if I was caught nipping into the Restricted Section of the library? I had permission! It was all legal and everything.

It shouldn't have mattered that it was one o'clock in the morning.

…

It was all in the name of academia!

…

I sometimes think that I am sorely under-appreciated.

…

Anyway, despite all these very valid reason why I do not want to go back to Hogwarts, the main reason is… well…it's because…

I'm in love with a seventh year who doesn't even know I'm alive.

I know, I know, I shouldn't let a boy dictate my life, but honestly, this man is _gorgey_! Tall, shaggy brown hair, drool-worthy brown eyes. And before you start thinking I'm only after the man's body –which is, I must say, _glorious_. I saw him shirtless last year, and _mrrawr_!-I'll have you know that he is smart, and funny too. And incredibly nice to animals. I saw him go straight up to this slimy thing that Professor Hasgrown called a Snarkle-Sproof or…something, and start crooning to it.

…

Actually, now that I think about it, that was really rather disturbing.

…

But I'm sure that it was only a joke. He's really witty that way, always thinking up something funny. It's rather clever of him to come up with something that amusing. You know, odd enough that only supremely observant people would pick up on it.

I wonder why he's not in Ravenclaw.

…

Well, no matter. _I_ picked up on it, and I'm sure no one else did. You know, besides his friends.

…

…

See, we're _obviously_ meant for each other! He needs someone that could understand and appreciate his quirky side – _that_ must be why he wasn't put into Ravenclaw. We're all perfectly normal, boring people, really- and I'm just that person.

Honestly, I don't know what I was so worried about! Going back to Hogwarts is _obviously_ the right choice! My teachers and classmates will love me, the classes and food will be better, and me and my one true love will finally end up together once and for all!

This year is going to be great; I can feel it in my bones.

* * *

**September 1**

**Train Compartment  
1:30 PM**

I've been on this train for two and a half hours, and already my year is turning out to be a complete disaster. I've tripped a Hufflepuff prefect, gotten sneered at by a Slytherin first year (can you see how completely unassuming I am? I can't even scare a first year.), and I've missed the snack trolley.

Looking back, I can see that I was feeling far too optimistic by half.

Other than that, nothing too interesting has gone on in my life. Just packing and getting ready for Hogwarts.

…

I just realized I forgot my potions book.

Damn.

**1:51 PM**

OK, just finished writing a letter to my mum. I'm going to have to wait till I'm at Hogwarts to send it though, since we've only got a family owl, Howard, and I couldn't bring him with.

But no matter, I'm sure I'll be able to find a more than capable owl to bring me my book by tomorrow. You know, a strong, sturdy one who's name is also strong and sturdy, like… Magnus or…Phinnaeus.

…

Sometimes I think it's amazing that I'm even allowed out of the house.

**2:27 PM**

I'm booooooooooored.

I think that this is the worst part of having no friends. You know, the whole no one to talk to thing. Because sitting here with nothing better to do than stare out the window with my stomach gurgling is not exactly my idea of fun.

I mean, sure, I could read one of my textbooks, but I've read them all, even the potions one that is sitting on my desk at home. And rereading a book that I'm just going to end up rereading during the course of the school year, well, it's not my cup of tea.

Speaking of tea, I'm hungry. Seriously. I didn't eat any breakfast this morning because I thought I would be eating on the train. Only, as I said earlier, I missed it, and now my arm is looking very tasty.

…

I was using that as a figure of speech. I wouldn't actually eat my arm. I'm not into self-mutilation, nor am I into cannibalism. I was merely trying to show you how hungry I am by pointing out that I would eat myself to stop my hunger.

…

I think I was better off looking out the window.

**5:14 PM**

Well, that was… interesting.

And frightening.

But mostly just interesting.

…

OK, so it was a little while after I stopped writing, and I was leaning up against the window, just thinking when I heard this loud, "_Snap!_" coming from right out the compartment door. So I went to the door, slid it open…

Just in time to see this Slytherin come flying through the air and land sprawling at my feet.

Me being, well, me, I squeaked and tried to close the door… Only, again, me being me, I ended up slamming the door on the Slytherin's fingers. There was another _snap!_, this from his fingers, and he let out a growl, and I squeaked again. A most unladylike and inhuman noise, I am sad to say.

After the squeaking, I kicked his hand away, causing him to yell and growl. It was a very animalistic conversation, what with all the growling and the squeaking. I only realized how much of the prey I was when, after I closed and locked the compartment door, the Slytherin jumped up and started kicking the door. Seriously, he was kicking it so hard that the entire compartment was shaking. And I was shaking on the inside.

(If you can tell, I'm to milk this for all it's worth and make it sound more interesting. I really don't have a life. Sigh.)

It was getting to the point where the Slytherin was going to basically kick open the door. But just as I was about to get ready to throw my arms up over my head and pray to Merlin to redeem my poor unfortunate soul, there was another noise (not a _snap!_ so much as a _Poing_) and the Slytherin keeled over and died.

Or, well, I thought he died. I mean, it was a quite reasonable assumption. One minute he was kicking down a door, and the next he was a puddle on the floor. So I did what any person with half a heart would do.

I opened the door and stepped outside.

It was obvious that the Slytherin wasn't dead, because after I nudged –kicked- him with my shoe he kind of rolled over and moaned. Feeling better about the whole situation, I turned to walk into my compartment (without kicking the prone Slytherin. … Much.) only to be stopped by a male voice saying loudly, "Hey, the spell worked, guys!"

I turned around to see who the speaker (and my savior) was and…

Fell in love.

Seriously.

Time stopped.

The birds sang.

The angels fell from the sky.

I drooled.

For there was an Adonis standing in front of me. Well, OK, not an Adonis since they're all golden haired and shiny. But this guy was just as handsome, sexy, and squeal-worthy as any Adonis could ever _wish_ to be. He was tall, with black hair, deep gray eyes, and a scowl on his brow that made my soul dance a jig.

"Who the Hell are you?"

It really was too bad he had the personality of an ass.

"I'm," _going to marry you_, "Pippa Rightwing." I may or may not have fluttered my eyelashes at him at this point. … OK, I did. "And you are?" _Besides one very drool-worthy man._

"He's a bloody dead man," said a voice from beneath me. "And you will be one too, once you stop showing me your nether bits."

I looked down to see a very irate Slytherin shoving my robes out of his face. My face turned a bright red and I squeaked (really, I'm going to need to find a new noise to make.), and then I practically _dove_ into my compartment.

I heard the sexy dark Adonis say, "Really, Sevvy, she'll be a dead _woman_. Unless, of course, you saw something underneath her robes to make you say otherwise." He looked into my compartment, where I was huddled up on the seat. "Oi! You there! Are you a man or woman?"

I'm glad to say this is where I got my composure (somewhat) back. I glared at him. And who said I was meek? (You know, besides me.) I am woman, here me roar!

…

Well, at least, that's what I _was_ thinking before the evil, evil seventh year put a hand to his chest and said, "And here I was, just trying to be friendly to a girl who obviously has no friends at all."

At this point I was devising the best way to kill someone and have it look like an accident. I was just about to conjure up something, anything (with my luck it would end up being a pineapple or the like) and hope for the best when three more boys came up behind the seventh year.

"Merlin, Sirius, you sure did a number on Severino over here. He's on the floor moaning and groaning."

The Slytherin on the floor (Sevvy? Severino?) said something very… rude, and attempted to get up off the ground.

At this the seventh year, Sirius, grinned. "Oh, no James. He's just doing that because he saw her," he nodded to me, "how did you put it, Sev Darling? Oh, yes, _nether bits_."

The boy James looked over Sirius' shoulder and said to me, "Oh, you poor dear. I do hope you'll get some therapy."

If I had the right of mind, I probably would have glared at him too. Probably. Only I was too busy looking at the guy behind James.

It was my love.

My life.

My very soul.

And also the boy that I mentioned in my very first entry.

And he had just heard that "Sev Darling" had seen my "nether bits".

I think it's safe to say I died.

Again.

I lunged from my seat (sans squeaking, I might add) and slammed the door. There was laughing between all of the boys (minus Sevvy/Severino/Sev Darling, obviously) for a few moments. Loooong moments. Moments I will replay and relive for probably the rest of my life. Sigh.

After laughing at mine and Sevvy/Secerino/yougetthepicture's expense, the four boys walked off. About forty seconds after that the Slytherin (that's just so much easier to say) got up off of the ground and left. But not after he threw me a dirty look.

And really, how wholly unfair is that? He looked at me like I killed a baby! I'm not completely skewed. It's not like I stripped down and made him look at my "nether bits".

Honestly.

…

Something just occurred to me.

The first man to see my "nether bits" glared at me.

I must be deformed! Inhuman! There must be something wrong with me!

…

Thanks Sev/Sevvy/Sev Darling! Something else for me to obsess over!

Sob.

I think I would be best if I just killed myself now. Then no one would have to see my "nether bits" and be scarred for life.

Namely Me.

**5:17 PM**

Oh Merlin. Another thought just occurred to me.

All hope of getting together with my one true love has gone out the window.

….

Now I'm going to have to throw out all of the notebooks I wrote "Mrs. Pippa Lupin" on.

…

And those are _a lot_ of notebooks.

…

This sucks.

**Common Room  
11:23 PM**

But not as much as this:

_They're making me sleep on the couch_.

Because they're afraid I'll, "somehow kill us in our sleep." Well, honestly, a few little mistakes and everyone thinks I'm going to blow up the room, or send raging hippogriffs after them!

It's not my fault that my fork went sailing and hit Whitticker Velo in the eye. If Rowania Foxkithia hadn't knocked my elbow the whole incident wouldn't have happened. And all because of that, I'm not allowed to sleep in a bed. Nooo, I get the couch. In front the fire. Which I have problems around.

That's it. That's the last time I sit next to a Hufflepuff at the Ravenclaw table.

…

That somehow doesn't sound right.

Well, I'll figure it out in the morning.

Night.

**11:26 PM**

Drat, I never sent that letter to Mum. Must get to owl in the morning.

Must be sure to get Hansel or Jerome… strong bird…

Ahh, I'm sleepy…

**11:37 PM**

Oh, and I've got two weeks detention for breaking Severus Snape's (that's Sevvy/Severino/Sev Darling's name) fingers.

But other than that, nothing.

Mmm…sleep…

* * *

**Disclaimer: **Yea, I'm not J.K Rowling. 

**Author's Notes: **This is the first of my "fixed" chapters. I hope I got all of the errors.

-Melissa


	2. I Am NOT A Cupcake!

**September 2**

**Great Hall**

**9:15 AM**

It is most unpleasant to sit down and try to eat your breakfast with an irate Slytherin sneering at you from across the hall.

That is all I'm going to say.

**9:16 AM**

…

**9:18 AM**

Though honestly, what did I do? I mean, yea, I did break his fingers. But he got them fixed and I got two weeks detention out of the deal. What else does he want?

Seriously, shouldn't he be glaring at that stupid Sirius Black? Or maybe his crony James Potter. It if hadn't been for them this whole thing wouldn't have happened.

…

Sirius Black just winked at me.

And no, I didn't swoon.

…

And it's not because he mouthed, "Thank you."

…

Jerk.

It's just my luck. I finally get attention from a very attractive man –er, one with the face of an ass-, and it's sardonic. Up until this point, my only encounter with a member of the sexy set was with a Muggle who lives very close to me, Bradley McGregor. When I was fourteen I bumped into him –on accident, of course- and I said, "Sorry." He said, "Quite alright," and pushed me off of him.

And that's it.

That's how far I've gotten with a guy; I've laid on top of one. And not even because we had a sexual likeness for each other –well, he didn't have one for me-, but because of my clumsiness. Because I ran and fell on top of him.

…

For some reason, I feel like a failure.

Sigh.

**9:26 AM**

OK, this has GOT TO STOP. Sneering at me from across the Great Hall is not going to get you anywhere. If you have something to say to me, SAY IT TO MY FACE.

…

On second thought, just staring at me is good enough.

**History of Magic Classroom  
****11:03 AM**

Normally, I would be sleeping right now, but since it _is_ the first day of classes, I wouldn't want to get a bad reputation.

Well, at least not a worse one than I already have.

Sigh.

Honestly, I don't know why I was put into Ravenclaw. Yea, I'm smart. I'm plenty smart. I _am _Miss Smarty Pants. But I'm not witty or passionate, and I certainly do not get along with my fellow 'claws. I should be in… I don't know. I'm not blonde enough to be in Hufflepuff (Rowania Foxkithia, being the poster child), I'm not brave like Gryffindor (I squeak in public more than I talk.), and Slytherin… No. Just…no.

…

I think the sorting hat put me in Ravenclaw just so I would be somewhere. 'Cause I've got magic (I've blown up enough tea cups to make that obvious), so they couldn't just send me _home_. I had to be put _somewhere_.

…

Again, the feeling of being a failure.

…

Anyway, I think I should put my schedule in here. 'Cause I'm so scatterbrained I'll probably forget.

Basically, this is what it is:

Breakfast (Hopefully I won't be glared at…)

NEWT Transfiguration (Seriously, how old IS McGonagall.)  
NEWT History of Magic (Sigh… Just… sigh.)  
NEWT DADA (Yay! Another chance for me to blow myself up!)  
Free Period (YES! YES!)  
Lunch (Hopefully I won't be glared at...)  
NEWT Potions (Perhaps the only class I have trouble with. And Professor Slughorn hates me. A lot. Oh goodie.)  
Astronomy. (I'm the only Ravenclaw in this class. YES!)  
NEWT Charms (I promise that that incident with making Professor Tornall fly will _never_ happen again. It took an hour to get him down, and he's never been right since.)  
Dinner (Hopefully I won't be glared at…)

And there you go. That's my schedule. I'm pretty sure I'm going to fall asleep in History of Magic the entire year. Thank Merlin I'm one of those people that can just read or pay attention once and they'll know everything. Otherwise, I would probably be in Hufflepuff right now.

…

I seem to have come up with a certain hatred towards that house. Perhaps it has to do with Rowania's evildoings.

I still have cricks in my back and neck from that couch.

Bitch.

**Great Hall  
1:32 PM**

HE'S DOING IT AGAIN.

GAH!

**Common Room  
****9:25 PM**

Nothing interesting happened during the rest of the day. Took notes in my respective classes (except for Potions, since I only just sent the letter to Mum. And the owl's name was Dew. Seriously. How disappointing.), ate the food (it isn't entirely bad this year. I had a perfectly nice piece of ham for dinner.), and got glared at by evil Slytherins. So over all, it was a rather uneventful day.

Hopefully tomorrow will be just like today. Only, you know, minus the glaring.

…

Crap, I have detention tomorrow.

…

With Sirius Black and James Potter.

…

Oh goodie.

* * *

**September 3**

**Great Hall  
****9:07 AM**

Stupid Sirius Black just passed by me on his way to his table. Said something that sounded like, "Hopefully I'll get to see your nether bits later on tonight. Sevvy shouldn't be the only one allowed the pleasure."

Git.

And now people are looking at me funny. And it's not because I have oatmeal on my face, because I just did a subtle check –brushing my face with my hands. Very clever, if I do say so myself- and there's nothing. So it _must_ be from Black's comment.

Great. Now everyone's going to think I can give Rowania a run for her money. And she's not exactly Miss Chastity.

…

And yes, if you must know, my back does still hurt.

…

My life sucks.

**Library  
8:01 PM**

Time for detention. Will write more later.

**8:06 PM**

We're sorting books. Without magic. Which means I'm going to have to get up on a ladder.

…

I'm afraid of heights.

…

Wish me luck.

And if I die, please give all of my worldly possessions to my mum. And that love le- er, note to Bradley McGregor. I think he should know how much I appreciated his kindness.

* * *

**September 4**

**Common Room  
****1:26 AM**

**_I HATE HIM!_**

**_HATE HIM!_**

Do you want to know what has taken me from slightly angry and annoyed to hatred beyond any imaginable magnitude? Do you? DO YOU!

You do?

Good! Because I really need to vent to someone right now.

The stupid Black and Potter came in twelve minutes late, so stupid McGonagall said we had to be there an extra stupid half an hour to compensate. And not just a half an hour today. Oh no. A half an hour _every _day.

I'm proud to say I glared at them at that point.

But them being the stupid prats that they are, they just grinned and acted all innocently.

There was no time to say anything after that –thank _Merlin_. They'd probably just come up with something horrible to say to me- since Professor McGonagall assigned us our tasks. It was already decided that I would put the books in their proper places throughout the library, and so McGonagall said that the boys would separate the books for me so that I could put them away- at different sides of the library, of course.

We got to work right away, and after viewing our progress for a while to make sure we weren't doing anything stupid she went into Madam Pince's office, all the while saying that she would be able to hear anything that went on in there.

Things were fine after that for a while. We got our jobs done in the correct manner for about a half an hour, and I started to relax, thinking that, no matter how bad their reputations were, and no matter how bad I knew them to be personally, they wouldn't _dare_ do anything stupid in front McGonagall. I mean, they just _wouldn't_.

Then they started cursing each other from across the room. Lightly muttered spells underneath their breath so that I didn't really know what they were about until a spell whizzed past my ear.

I probably should have said something then, but I remember thinking, "Well, this'll all be done in forty-five minutes anyway. I can deal with it till then."

So I went on with my job, climbing up that god awful ladder of gigantic proportions (OK, so it wasn't _that_ big.) to put the books away. Every once and a while I would look down to make sure that I wasn't going to die, but overall I just shelved the books.

Things were going fine- until I started putting the books from the Restricted Section away. The spells that the prats -er, boys- were sending started up into a frenzied pitch, but I didn't let it bother me. I was just going to go and get my job done so I could go back to my common room and finish my homework before falling asleep on my couch.

This was what I was thinking when a male voice said from beneath me, "You know, I don't see what Sevvy Poo was going on about. I think you have very nice nether bits." I looked down sharply to see a grinning Sirius Black staring up at me from underneath the ladder.

At first I didn't realize what was going on, but when I did, well… I did what any normal girl would do:

I shrieked and shoved my skirt in between my legs, consequently covering up my "nether bits".

…

Or rather, that's what I _planned_ on happening. The real version went a little differently.

I got the shrieking part down pat; that shriek was loud enough to wake the dead. However, when I tried shoving my skirt between my legs, I ended up pushing _off_ of the bookshelf, causing me to teeter helplessly on the ladder for a few moments. I shrieked again, and barely heard Black go, "Jump, you daft cow!" But I did hear him, and I did exactly what he did without really thinking about it.

Black caught me just fine, which surprised me because, between you and me, I am not exactly tiny. (Well, you know, besides being short. Because I'm short. Very short. I barely top five feet. But I'm not skinny. Well, not really. I'm a little bigger than average, so I'm not fat or anything. I'm just not… stick thin. Though I think half my weight is in my boobs. … Er.. where was I? Oh, right.) But I think he wanted to be funny so he kind of stumbled a bit.

And believe me, it was _funny_. Especially when he KNOCKED INTO THE BOOKSHELF BEHIND HIM, CAUSING IT TO FALL OVER, THEN HIT THE ONE BEHIND IT, CAUSING _**THAT** _ONE TO FALL, CAUSING IT TO HIT THE ONE BEHIND **_IT_**, UNTIL THE ENTIRE RESTRICTED SECTION OF THE LIBRARY WAS A BIG PILE OF SHRIEKING, SCREAMING, _HOWLING_ BOOKS.

Oh yea, it was really _witty._

I _still_ have the headache.

Well, needless to say, McGonagall came running out of Pince's office, looking like she'd just been woken up from a nap, and demanded to know what in Merlin's name had happened. Then she saw the Restricted Section was a horrible mess, and that right in the middle of it all was me and Black.

Laying on each other.

With me on top.

And his hand on my… er… bum.

…

Really, I think she jumped to the wrong conclusion.

In any case, she pulled me off on Black, all the while saying, "_What is going on here?_"

I tried answering, but all that came out was a load of sputtering that sounded unconvincing to even _me_. So Black took this as his cue to say, rather calmly for someone who had just managed to destroy an entire section of the library, "I complimented her, Professor. And since I am_ quite_ the lady's man, she _hurled_ herself at me, causing me to crash into this bookshelf here." He patted the bookshelf that was on the ground behind him.

Since you can't be stupid to be a professor (Well, unless you're Professor Grandly. Why anyone would work that close to horrible animals _I_ will never know.), McGonagall realized that Black was being a prat –er, unreasonable- so she turned to me and raised an eyebrow. "Miss Rightwing, care to explain yourself?"

_This_ is what I ended up saying:

"I… He… Sevvy Poo… Nether bits… Jump! And then…. Crash! And then… hand on my bum!"

…

At least I'm happy I realized that "bum" and "nether bits" were not the proper thing to say to a teacher, because then I blushed a little –A LOT- and kind of just shut up.

McGonagall pursed her lips and screamed, "Detention for two more months you two! And you cannot leave until this room is finished! _Do you understand me?_**"**

We both nodded our heads, a little surprised by her outburst. I mean, McGonagall _never_ screamed. Said sharp, caustic things, certainly, but never screamed. Seeing our approval, she said a tight, "Good," before turning to Potter, and barking his name. So James kind hurried out of the room, giving Black a quick smile before he did so.

After they left Black and I stood there for a few moments before he said finally, "Well, I'm sure can do this section on your own." Then he whipped out a wand from his robes –I'm still wondering where he got it; McGonagall took our wands before we started- said a quick spell that cleaned up half the mess, and started walking out of the section.

It took me a second to realize what he did (In case you haven't noticed, my reflexes are not exactly great.), and when it did I yelled after him, "Hey! What about me!"

He looked over his shoulder at me. "Sorry Cupcake," he said, grinning. "But I've got places to be, and people to see. I'm sure you understand." Then he _laughed_, like, Ha! You couldn't possibly understand, you unpopular twit, and just walked out of the library, leaving me to clean up the rest of the mess.

…

I'll have you know that I only _just_ got back from the library, and I have yet to do my homework. I'm going to be up for hours yet!

ARGH!

**_I HATE HIM!_**

**Great Hall  
****9:13 AM**

I look like crap, half of my homework is unfinished, and I've got the crick from Hell in my neck, since I fell asleep at a desk.

…

I HATE HIM.

**9:17 AM**

And I hate him even more, since he just walked past my table and said, "Thanks for last night, Cupcake. Haven't felt an ass like yours in a while."

GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I HATE HIM!

**9:21 AM**

And I hate Severus Snape for GLARING AT ME FROM ACROSS THE HALL. Can't you tell that I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown, and that at any second I might just snap and you glaring at me is not going to help you once you're tied up to the ceiling by your armpits!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT SIRIUS BLACK!

I HAAAAAAAAATE YOU!

**9:24 AM**

Wait, what did he mean by "an ass like yours"? What's wrong with my butt? Is it funny or something? Is it different then everyone else's? I'll admit, I've never actually gone around comparing my butt to other people's, so it's not like I could even guess what kind I have-

…

I HATE YOU SIRIUS BLACK!


	3. I Am NOT Kinky!

**September 4**

**Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom  
****11:56 AM**

Why is it that no one thought it would be nice to tell me that I was going to be in ADVANCED DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS!

WITH SLYTHERINS!

EVIL SLYTHERINS!

EVIL SEVENTH YEAR SLYTHERINS!

NAMELY **_SEVERUS "SEVVY POO" SNAPE_**!

I mean, yea, I probably should have been paying attention to the classes I was put into this year, but come on! Me? In _Advanced DADA_? With _seventh year Slytherins_?

What the Hell is wrong with the administration at this school that they would put a shy little Ravenclaw –not even a real Ravenclaw, if you think about it- with big, scary Slytherins? WHAT! WHAT!

That's it. I am officially going to go and Avada myself right when I get to my Common Room.

**11:59 AM**

Unless that git Snape doesn't do it for me by GLARING AT THE BACK OF MY HEAD TILL IT EXPLODES!

Jeeze, you'd think I blew up the man's entire supply of hair care products.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Get it? 'Cause he's got really greasy hair? (I don't know if I've mentioned this yet, but he does. And it's really gross. I think I'd be able to see my reflection in if I tried.)

…

I've just learned that snorting in a room full of Slytherins is _not_ the best way to go about making friends. 'Cause they either, a) smirk at you like, Ha! You're in immature toad that I've stepped on repeatedly but wont come off of my shoe, or b) they glare at you like, Ha! You're an immature toad that I _want_ to step on, but I don't feel like mudding my shoes for the likes of _you_!

Guess which one the (self-appointed) King of the World did?

That's right. He somehow managed to come up with a contortion of the face that _somehow_ managed to be both A and B. Then he puffed up his chest like he was the ruler of the world, when really it was just the most hideous face the world has ever seen.

You know, besides his own.

…

For future reference: If you think snorting in class full of Slytherins is bad, giggling is the world's giant faux pas.

Oh, crap. Professor Nightingale is looking this way.

Must hide you…

**Common Room  
****12:35 PM**

What kind of a lunatic _is_ Nightingale?

First, she came over to my desk after I hid you (shoving you into my book bag) and asked me to do a demonstration of a duel. Only... the way she asked, all, "Excuse me Miss Rightwing, but would you be so kind as to show the class a duel?", I knew that she was really saying, "Think you'll disrupt _my_ class and get away with it? HaHA! I shall humiliate you in return!".

So, since I can't say, "No, I'm sorry. I'll probably blow out a window," I just kind of blushed and mumbled, "Alright, Professor," before getting out my seat. She motioned for me to go to the front of the class, which I did, with the beady little eyes of a million Slytherins following

Then she said, "Now, would any one like a go at Miss Rightwing?"

…

Seriously. _That _is what she said.

…

And let me tell you, after she said that, all of those beady little eyes _lit up_. Yes, _lit up_. At the prospect of hurting poor, little old _me_.

And, as if things couldn't get much worse, I heard an oily voice say from the back of the classroom, "I would, Professor." And everyone's eyes broke off of mine –almost sadly, it seemed- to see who had said it.

Guess who it was.

…

Very _good_, it _was_ Severus Snape. So glad of you to realize that everyone is slowly killing me, and that the best way to speed up the process is to bring in a scary Slytherin!

Apparently, Nightingale and whoever up there is deciding how speedy my death should be are very close, because she said, with a horrible little gleam in her eye, "Alright, Severus. To the front of the class."

And he got up from his seat and made his way over to me, all the while giving me that grotesque face that was a sneer, grimace, and smirk all in one. Then when he got up to the front of the room –it felt like it was taking him _forever_ to get up there. I think he was trying to prolong the torture- his evil, dark eyes sort of said, "The time to avenge your act of evil has finally arrived! Start quivering in your second-hand shoes, for I shall prevail!"

Then Nightingale smiled at us –yes, _smiled_. I can now see why she is Head of Slytherin House- and said, "You may begin."

Those words filled me with a sort of dread, and I yelled out the first thing I could think of: Expeliarmus.

Really, it was a rather weak approach, but it got the job done, as Snape's wand went flying.

Only… not really far.

It kind of… flew a little so that it came right back to him.

…

Alright, I ended up mumbling the words so the spell didn't happen quite as I had hoped -meaning, not at all- and so Snape just fixed me with a cold smile before saying _something_ that had me almost vomiting over the floor.

After that things get a little hazy, as I was nearly passed out with fear. So really, the only think that I can remember properly is that one minute I was almost showing everyone my breakfast, and the next Snape is on the floor, sitting in a contorted position with his butt up in the air and his wand jabbed up into his nose.

To which I have only one thing to say: Who's nether bits are we seeing now?

And really, that's the only positive thing I can thing of about the entire situation, because after that Professor Nightingale snapped, "Oh, get to your seats, the both of you." (Yes, no maudlin declarations for Pippa!) So we did, me walking with all the creepy eyes again, and Snape limping slightly.

After that class progressed in a normal fashion. I took notes amongst the stares of many (and the head-piercing glare of one.), and when Nightingale told us class was over, I hurried on out of that room like I had the fires of Hell licking at me feet.

And now I'm here, sitting on my couch and wondering if I can get the house elves to bring me my lunch.

…

I really do lead a sad existence.

**Great Hall  
1:30 PM**

Decided that I was just being paranoid and that going to lunch would be fine.

Am far too optimistic a person.

Because instead of just one fuming Slytherin staring at me as I eat the _horrible_ Shepard's Pie, I have an entire table.

Peachy.

**1:34 PM**

Just realized that it was not only Slytherin table that was watching me, but was, in fact, entire Great Hall.

And it was not because a certain annoying Gryffindor who always mentions my nether bits came up to me and said, "What did you do Snape, Cupcake? Everyone's dying to know."

No, I figured it out on my own.

**5:06 PM**

I have been asked a total of twenty-one times what I did to Severus Snape.

I have never been this popular.

**Common Room  
10:48 PM**

Detention was unremarkable, as McGonagall and Pince were both there to supervise. Though I noticed, they seemed more worried about me and Black than him and Potter.

To which I say, "Ha! He's a perverted jerk! There's no way that he would have any sort of romantic entanglement with me!"

…

Not that I would have one with him either.

He is not nearly sexy enough to whet my appetite.

…

I need sleep.

* * *

**September 5**

**Common Room  
****8:38 AM**

Just had the scariest dream to ever have existed. Involved Severus Snape tying me up to a tree in the Forbidden Forest and Sirius Black watching.

Was the creepiest thing for me to think up in a long while.

I mean, honestly, Black and Snape? Together? Without cursing each other?

That would be like McGonagall and Dumbledore finally giving in to temptation: Very weird, and probably a sin.

Well, you know, besides the fact that pre-marital sex is already a sin.

Er…

**Great Hall  
****9:15 AM**

I wonder if I am the only one having trouble eating my breakfast, or if someone else out there is getting their pants glared off while they eat their bacon.

Which is horrible.

Not the glaring part, which is, but the bacon. The bacon is terrible.

Well, the glaring part is bad too, but-

Oh, goodie! Snape just turned his hatred to another being. Hopefully that'll take his attention off me for a while.

…

Black just stuck his tongue out at Snape, who in turn just put his attention back to me.

…

I hate them both.

**Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom  
****12:01 AM**

Think happy thoughts…Think happy thoughts…Think happy thoughts…

Crap, this isn't working. Need new mantra.

…

Snape must die… Snape must die… Snape must die…

Hmm…

No, far too morbid.

I hate Severus Snape… I hate Severus Snape… I hate Severus Snape…

Ah, yes, perfect.

**Potions Classroom  
****1:56 PM**

How sad is it that I only _just_ realized that I potions with Slytherins? Though, I should have noticed. I mean. Dungeons + Potions EQUALS Slytherins. I'm pretty sure the only class they have _is_ Potions. So of _course_ I'd be with Slytherins!

Though, thank god, I'm not at an _advanced _level of potions, so I'm just with nice sixth year Slytherins.

…

Did I just use the words "nice" and "Slytherins" in the same sentence?

I must be going mad.

**2:06 PM**

No, I already _am_ insane. Picked Lea Braun to be my partner for potions. (Ok, no one else picked me, and since she had gone to the bathroom and couldn't pick her own partner…we were put together.)

Yes. Lea Braun. The only person alive who speaks EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY.

Am tempted to smack her.

"Oh, Pippa, I have a question for you," she says. Hopefully it'll be about the potion we're making (Ha! Never thought I'd say that.) and not about what every single person is still asking me about…

"What in Merlin's _name_ did you do to Severus? Every time one of us mentions it, he growls at us and storms out of the room and into his dormitory. I think it's funny because that boy is forever talking about himself and how good he is at things, and so I was wondering if you could tell me what you did, because I would like to have that useful piece of information, for the next time. That's he talking about himself all the time, that is. Because all of us Slytherins are annoyed by it, really, and if we could just _know_-"

Merlin's beard, it's _hard_ to try and copy down what she's saying as fast as she's saying it.

And I am still tempted to smack her. Severely. With this journal.

…

No, not with you. With the potions book we're sharing.

"So, Pippa, what do you say? Because I would really appreciate it. And all of the Slytherins would too. I promise I'll make them stop staring at you when you eat breakfast and lunch. Yes, I noticed it, so you don't have to look at me like that. Though at dinner they might get a little a little fed up with Severus' bragging and hate you because you somehow made him stop acting like a git. But if you told me, then we would know and we'd be able to stop his bragging by just going, "Yes, well, remember how Pippa did so and so," and then he'd _stop_, and it would be amazing. Glorious, really."

How the _heck_ did this girl end up in Slytherin? How? HOW!

"Oh, my mother was in Hufflepuff, and my father was in Slytherin, and so when the Sorting Hat was put on my head it was very confused as to where to put me –since I'm from two pure-blood families with long lines of each Hufflepuff and Slytherin House occupants- and so it let me pick. And since my sister was in Hufflepuff and I saw what kind of treatment she got from our father I decided, "Ha, no way I'm going to let that happen!" so I picked Slytherin. Can you pass the unicorn's hair, please?"

Blink.

…

Wouldn't it hurt to talk that fast?

…

Wait, how would she know to answer my question when I wrote it down? Unless-

"Yes, I can read everything you're writing. You're not covering it up in the least bit. Which is rather careless, really. Oh, don't squeak. I was merely trying to help you. But, you know, since I _do_ know what you were writing about me, and I do have a score of Slytherins at my disposal, don't you think that you should tell me? "

Merlin, she had the gall to smile innocently at the last statement! Perhaps she was right to want to be put into Slytherin.

"Yes, I rather think so."

…

Fine, I'll do it.

"Oh, fantastic! So what did you do? How'd you do it? Tell me all the details! Don't leave a _thing_ out."

Ok, so I just told her all of the details –the duel, how I didn't really remember anything, Snape's butt up into the air and his wand shoved up his nose- and the only thing she said was, "Yes, we gathered it had something to do with his bottom. He is rather self-conscious of his backside."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SNAPE IS SELF-CONSCIOUS OF HIS BACKSIDE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…

Very weird image of Snape standing in front of a mirror staring at his butt just came unbidden into my mind.

…

I think I must got and mind vomit now.

And yes, I did cover that last bit up with my arm. Who ever said I couldn't be stealthy?

"Actually, Pippa, I saw everything that you wrote, and between you and me, Snape's bottom is-"

NO! MUST STOP WRITING!

"Really very nice."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

…

I sometimes weep at night for reasons such as this.

**Great Hall  
5:10 PM**

Ok, it may just be me, but…. Is Snape staring at himself in the pewter goblets on the table?

…

Lea's information has totally warped my way of seeing him.

…

It's actually pretty funny.

…

Oh, wait, he stopped staring at himself and he's glaring at me now.

And yet everyone else is smirking. Well, besides Lea, who is, in fact, waving and showing me the thumbs up sign.

…

Apparently, she's told the Slytherins the information.

**5:16 PM**

Apparently, she's told _everyone_ the information. A certain jerky Gryffindor just came up to me and said, "I never knew you were into kinky positions, Cupcake." He sighed and put his hand to his heart. "Ah, a woman after my own heart."

…

I really do hate him.

**Library  
****8:23 PM**

Stupid Black just came up to me and said, "This might better your kink factor, Cupcake," and then he handed me a book called the _Kama Sutra_.

It has a picture of a couple in a very, er… _passionate_ embrace on the cover.

And I am-

McGonagall here. Will write more later.

**Common Room  
****10:52 PM**

Detention was _unbearable_, as Black kept throwing dirty little comments over his shoulder whenever we happened to be near each other. Am so sick of the words "kinky" and "dirty" that it annoys me to write them. And I will never be able to think of librarians the same ever again, especially since Black thinks I would make a nice one.

…

Blushing this much is probably bad for your health.

…

I think I'm going to do some reading before I go to bed. Sirius said that I should read page fifty four, as he thinks I would be especially good at it.

**11:03 PM**

It's a book about sex!

**11:05 PM**

He thinks I would be good at, "The Bucking Donkey"?

**11:07 PM**

Oh, wait, that was page fifty-seven.

**11:09 PM**

"Pucker up Princess"?

He thinks I would be good at "Pucker up Princess"?

**11:11 PM**

There is NO WAY that I am putting that in my mouth.

**11:12 PM**

Ever.

**11:13 PM**

Well, unless I were married, or I were dating someone for a very long time, or-

…

**11:14 PM**

HE'S TURNED ME INTO HIMSELF.

**11:15 PM**

I need to take a shower. I feel unclean.

**11:16 PM**

And yes, a shower of the warm variety.

**11:16 PM (ten seconds later)**

As opposed to a cold shower, which would mean that I was feeling a little hot under the collar. Which I am not.

It is disgusting of you to think otherwise.

…

Pervert.

**11:17 PM**

Only, Black is more of a pervert then you are.

So…there.

Sorry.

**11:17 PM (twelve-point-two seconds later)**

Merlin, this book has screwed me up completely. Did I just apologize to a book?

**11:18 PM**

Just realized that there was a horrible pun in that last entry.

Did not mean it in the least bit.

**11:19 PM**

That's it. I'm going batty.

**11:20 PM**

No, that job is already taken by Snape.

Who is, in fact, already a bat.

HaHA!

**11:48 PM**

Alright, it's time for bed.

**11:49 PM**

And no, I will not be reading the book before I sleep.

How disgusting of you to think otherwise.

**12:17 AM**

Though really, "Pucker up Princess"? Surely, that's not the title.

**12:20 AM**

No, that was the title.

…

Alright, time for bed.

* * *

**September 6**

**Great Hall  
****9:17 AM**

I can't help feeling like… he's watching me.

Not Snape. I _know_ he's watching me. I meant Black.

It's rather unnerving

**9:21 AM**

No, he is. He just winked at me, and blew a kiss.

…

Either that, or he was trying to convey something to me.

Hmm…

**9:32 AM**

Just realized what he was trying to tell me.

"Pucker up Princess"!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom  
****12:13 PM**

It's unnerving enough having a Slytherin seventh year by the name of Narcissa Something-or-other smile at me and say, "Good job, Rightwing. Never thought I'd be around to hear Snape stop talking about himself." And it's even weirder having a boy named Lucius Malfoy ask if can sit next to you.

Especially since I've heard he's into red heads, and not girl with mousy brown hair.

And that's all I'm going to say about that.

**12:15 PM**

He really is the most abominable person.

Snape, not Malfoy.

Malfoy's really rather nice, actually.

Those rumors of him cursing a first year Hufflepuff must be untrue.

**12:18 PM**

Hasn't he heard it's rude to stare? Honestly, if I wasn't sitting in the front of the class, I would hex him!

…

Or at the very least, glare at him right back.

Jerk.

**Common Room  
****12:38 PM**

It is very odd having someone carry your books and walk you to your Common Room.

Especially when it is a very tall, very blond, and reportedly evil Slytherin.

And that's that.

**Great Hall  
****1:21 PM**

It is even weirder having said tall, blond, perhaps evil Slytherin walk you to lunch.

**1:26 PM**

And have him stare at you from across the hall.

Smiling.

…

I feel as if I've stepped into an alternate universe.

**Potions Classroom  
****2:14 PM**

Today has been a very odd day.

First, Lucius Malfoy acts all…nicely. Second, Snape gets his comeuppance, and thirdly…

Lea Braun called me her friend.

…

I think I am asleep.

**Great hall  
****5:00 PM**

…

This is just weird.

**Library  
****8:53 PM**

Well… it's nice to know some things don't change.

…

Unless they're the things you wish _would_ change.

Like Sirius Black making kissy faces at you from across the library. Or Sirius Black asking you how you enjoyed a certain risqué book. Or Sirius Black…

No, wait.

"Sirius Black" just about covers it.

**Common Room  
****11:26 PM**

Night.

…

'Nuff said.

* * *

**Disclaimer:** Pippa miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

**Author's Note:** This story now has a friend! It's the Snape version of Pippa's story:

I am One Incredibly Attractive Man: The Journal of Severus S. Snape

And I didn't send this to my beta, because she's on vacation. And I'll be out of town for a few days, so… there will be no update till at least Tuesday.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and I hope you like this chapter as well.

-Mel


	4. I am NOT Dating Lucius! I think

**September 7  
**

**Great Hall  
9:26 AM**

Still weird.

Especially since Lucius is still staring at me.

…

Avidly.

…

**Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom**

**11:56 AM**

So what if he's sitting next to me again? That doesn't mean anything. Just means that he's trying to copy my notes and get a good grade in this class.

Doesn't mean aaaaaaaaaaaaanything.

**Common Room  
12:45 PM**

Is he going to make a _habit_ of walking me to my classes?

**Great Hall  
1:26 PM**

Apparently so.

Weird.

**1:28 PM**

Weirder still, he's still…… staring at me.

…

Do I have something on my face?

**Common Room**

**11:32 PM**

Detention equal not cool. Black kept remarking on my new boyfriend, Lucius Malfoy.

Lucius Malfoy.

As in… LUCIUS MALFOY.

As in… the torturer of poor little first year Hufflepuffs.

….

See, I could never go out with someone like that.

**11:.34 PM**

Though I must say, I'm finding that story very hard to believe. Because Lucius is a very nice guy. I mean, he walks frightened Ravenclaws to her table everyday (though I'm not frightened anymore; Lea's plan worked!) and he writes to his mother everyday! He even recites poetry!

…

I'm thinking that these are all slanderous lies coming from a source that has it out for Lucius.

**11:36 PM**

Probably Black.

Jerk.

**11:38 PM**

And I will have you know that I am _not_ going out with him.

Malfoy. Not Black. I would _never_ go out with him,

Black I mean. Not Malfoy.

Er…

**11:43 PM**

I didn't mean that last bit how it sounded. I mean, I wouldn't go out with Luci- er, Malfoy. I mean, he attacks Hufflepuffs and roots on the evil Slytherins!

Though I must say. They're not really all that evil. The Slytherins, I mean, not the Hufflepuffs. 'Cause the 'puffs are evil. They just hide it under a bright and cheery façade. One minute they're being all nice to you, and the next, they're sending your fork flying and making you sleep on the couch.

…

So really, Lucius isn't all that evil. Probably not even a little evil, if you think about it. I mean, he writes _poetry_ for Merlin's sake!

So it wouldn't be all the bad if I went out with him. Infinitely better than going out with someone _totally_ evil, like Snape or Black. I mean, at least then I know he wouldn't be looking up people's skirts and staring at their nether bits.

Which they _both_ did, I might add. Only one of them had the guts to fess up to it. The other one cost me detention.

Though they both did. Cost me detention, I mean.

…

What was I talking bout again? Oh, yea! Well, it would be better for me to go out with someone like Lucius than Black or Snape because they are both insane. And perverted. And like staring up girls' skirts. Which I'm sure Lucius likes to do as well, only… he doesn't go around advertising it like the other two do.

Er…

But we're not going out, you see! So Black's theory of him and I going out with are completely ill-founded and are based completely on non-facts!

So.. there!

…

I really need to stop obsessing over this.

* * *

**September 16**

**Common Room**

**12:36 PM**

Well, it's been a while since I've written in here, hasn't it? Though, it's not really my fault. I mean…I've been busy. With… uh, school and detention and uh… homework? And yea, that could certainly fall under the category of "school" but that's OK.

…

Fine, you technical bitch. So I've just been lazy. But seriously, have you tried to write down every single detail that's going on in your life? I mean… regularly? It's _hard_.

…

Oh shut up.

See if I do you any favors from now on. See if I tell _you_ anything from now on, you…you… you _journal_!

So..there.

**12:46 PM**

Though I find that it's only nice that I tell you what's you've been missing out on since I've been my new –shut up- lazy self. So uh…here it goes.

…

For the past nine days I've have been my usual self: quiet, collected, slightly annoyed by the doings of certain Gryffindor seventh years. Nothing more interesting than schoolwork and detention.

Lucius was still walking me to class, Snape was still glaring, and Black was a being an overall jackass. (I still cannot think of the bookshelves the same way again. … Don't ask.)

The only new, exciting thing is that Potter is no longer doing detention anymore. Since he wasn't assigned two more months detention for completely destroying half the library and molesting a little sixth year, he got to leave the library. Only not without many waves and bows. The pompous jerk. As if anyone would care about you leaving the library.

Well, except Madam Pince.

HaHA!

…

Er, right, anyway. So really, nothing new has happened. Except Lucius asked me out to the first Hogsmead trip.

And I… er… said yes?

**12:50 PM**

Well, I mean, it's not like I was going to say no and wait around for my one true love. Especially since he's friend with those horrible Black and Potter.

And besides, for all I know, Lucius _is_ my one true love.

…

Though I'm not exactly sure what he's talking about half the time, since it's in iambic pentameter, but you know. We need to learn something new from our soul mates, right? Right!

Well, you know. Besides the fact that I already understand iambic pentameter, it's just a little weird listening to someone say it. Well, someone _our_ age. Professor Brighten, Ancient Ruins professor, has been known to start sprouting it off everyone once and a while. So it's just kind of weird listening to someone _my_ age speaking in it.

And it's kind of weird how he's always like… _looking_ everywhere when I'm with him. Like he wants to show me off or something.

But that's normal, right? Wanting to show your girlfriend (Merlin, is that what I am to him?) off to people. A little, "Hey! She's mine, hands off!" to the people looking around? Or, he could be looking for dangerous persons that might like to attack us! Yes, I'm sure that's it! He just wants to make sure that I'm safe.

So…there ya go.

…

That's everything that's been going on in my life.

…

Basically nothing, really. Just your average, everyday rubbish.

…

I need to get to lunch now.

**12:59 PM**

And I am sorry for calling you a journal.

…

Even though you are one.

…

Journal.

**Potions Classroom  
2:02 PM**

Oh, and another thing that is a bit different in my life is Lea. She's my… friend.

…

It's weird to write that.

"Of course I'm your friend, silly. I mean, we've been partners for weeks now, and I feel like I've gotten to know you just ever so much better! And you consider me a friend too, I know you do! Wait, you _do_ consider me a friend, don't you Pippa? Because it would be rather embarrassing to consider you a friend to go around telling everyone that you're my friend when you don't consider me a friend. So which is it? Are we friends? Because I just couldn't _bare_ the embarrassment if we weren't. Because I really _like_ you Pippa. I just hope to Merlin that you like me. So do you? DO YOU!"

…

Yes, I am friends with her. It's just a little weird to say.

"Oh, goodie! I'm just ever so happy! I mean, I always knew we were friends. I mean, since the first day, when you said I made the right choice in being a Slytherin. I knew right then and there that we were going to be the best of friends! And I think we go along rather spectacularly, don't you Pippa? Since I'm so outgoing –that's what Narcissa said I was after a seventh year made fun of me when I was a first year. Outgoing- and you're so… well, I hate to be the one to say it, but you're rather reclusive, Pippa. But no matter, since I'm so _outgoing_ and you're so _reclusive_ we make a very handsome pair! Oh, we're going to knock them all dead! I just know it!"

And as you can see, she still hasn't mastered the art of not looking at what I write.

"Oh, I'm sorry about that Pippa. I just can't help it you know. But I know how to make it up to you! I'll start my own journal and I'll let you look over my shoulder to read it if you want to. 'Cause that's what friends are for, right? Right, well, the next Hogsmead trip I'll be sure to stop into a store and buy a journal, just for you! HaHA! Not for you, of course, but for me to write it. So you can read it. So it _is_ for you, it's just for me more. Get it? HaHA!"

…

There isn't much else to say, really.

"Oh, honestly Pippa. You need to be more-"

And that's enough of that.

**Great Hall  
4:58 PM**

News of mine and Lucius' date has spread like wildfire. Seriously, every single person I know (know of, actually, since I don't know a lot of people personally.) has been coming up and asking me if it's true. And the only thing I can do is just kind of nod and go back to eating my spotted dick.

Because, really, there's not much else to say. I mean, it's not like I can say what's _really_ on my mind. Which is: "Oh, yea, we're going to Hogsmead together. But it seems kind of weird that we're going, since I don't really know him. And there's the fact that he may or may not have cursed a little first year. And I don't really understand what he's saying all the time. I mean, the thee's and thy's and the ith's. Seriously, _who_ speaks in iambic pentameter? Well, besides Professor Brighten. And he's always _looking_ everywhere when I'm with him. Is that normal? Because it doesn't seem to me that it is. Normal I mean. So…yea."

Yea, I can't say _that_. If I said that, people would probably think I'm crazy. Well, craz_ier_. Because I think I've already established that people think I'm crazy. Especially the Ravenclaws.

Actually, they just seem to hate me.

…

ANYway, I think I'm going to go to my Common Room. This spotted dick is making me sick.

…

Or maybe Sirius Black winking at me from across the Great Hall made me sick.

…

Probably both.

Gag.

**Common Room  
11:43 PM**

I really do hate the git.

Seriously, does he need to say things like, "Well, I'm truly heartbroken, Cupcake. I thought that you would be using the gift I gave you for me, not Malfoy. Wishful thinking on my part, apparently, "?

Honestly, do I _need_ to be treated like this? I'm very close to showing him my anger and shoving it up his-

**11:56 PM**

The girls from the girls' dormitory just came down from it –the dormitory- and asked me if I wanted to sleep up there with them.

…

I, needless to say, said yes. I don't like waking up with cricks in my neck and back.

I wonder what made them start being nice to me.

Well, I'm sure I'll figure it out soon enough. But as for now, I need to bring my stuff upstairs.

* * *

**September 19**

**Great Hall  
9:15 AM**

Am very tired, as girls in dormitory keep me up half the night giggling and asking me questions about Lucius.

Told them about my hatred for Black and they seem to think I'm going out with Lucius to get back at him.

…

Girls. _Honestly_.

**9:17 AM**

Just realized how completely inane that last bit sounded, since I am, in fact, a girl.

But I was just trying to get across the fact that they are completely and utterly wrong.

So…there ya go.

**Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom  
12:02 PM**

Lucius just asked me if it was true that I was going out with him just to get back at Black. Stared at him like he was crazy –mouth open, eyes wide. Basically, I looked stupid- before telling him in no uncertain terms that I hate Black and feel nothing for him except extreme dislike.

Lucius actually smiled and patted my hand, and said, "Oh, thy knewith that thee were as pure as a dove." Then he just went back to his book

And the only thing to say is… well, that wasn't his best work. Usually he's much more eloquent.

…

**Common Room  
12:39 PM**

Lucius just dropped me off. (And yes, he did look around the entire time we were walking.) He kissed my hand before he left, though. Said something like, "The time away from your beautiful visage will fill my heart with torment," before he walked jauntily away.

…

No man has ever kissed my hand before. Not even my father.

But then again, my father is very… _rigid_. And no, that doesn't mean he's dead. Just means that he had a very commanding presence. Which is kind of weird 'cause my mom is very… unassuming. A lot like me, actually, only a few inches taller.

…

But you don't care about my family. I mean, you don't want to hear about them.

…

Sigh. Of _course_ you do. _Everyone_ wants to know about them.

OK, well, my mother, Adelle Worthy-Rightwing, is the very famous manager for bands such as The Warring Wizards and Mathilda Middleton. My father, Richard Rightwing, is a top government official over at the Ministry, and knows everything that's going on over there.

When I first started school all anyone wanted to talk about was my parents. "Oh, do you think they'll come here at all this year? Will you mother be in Hogsmead at anytime this year? Can you tell me what's going on in the Ministry, Pippa?" Seemed like all I was to people were extensions of my parents. Like I wasn't my own person.

The worst was Professor Slughorn, who, after he found out that I wasn't going to be either of my parents protégé decided I wasn't worth his attention. In the beginning of my first years of Hogwarts he would invite me to little parties he would hold, and ask me questions about myself. But then around third year I guess he said to himself, "Well, hey, she doesn't really seem to be made of the same stuff as her parents so… we'll just drop her." And now he hates me, and uses every chance he can to make fun of me.

But worse than Professor Slughorn are the students. They _still_ come up to me asking about what's going on in the Ministry or with Dragon Lords. It hurt the most when people I considered friends would start asking for tickets to their favorite band or to come over so they could meet my father. And so I dropped _them_, like Slughorn dropped me.

You know, I actually used to be friends with Rowania Foxkithia.

Sigh.

So anyway, what was this entire entry about? Oh, yea, Lucius kissing my hand. Well, it was a very surreal experience and I am still in shock and I think that I need to go and think about it.

…

Oh, who am I kidding?

I need chocolate.

**Great Hall  
1:36 PM**

Ok, so Lucius was prattling on about something or other as we walked down the corridor, and the next he's stopped completely and is taking my hand to his mouth and saying how beautiful I am.

…

That is one very weird cookie.

**Potions Classroom  
2:23 PM**

Slughorn is being more ghastly than usual. Kept coming round and remarking about how unremarkable my potions skills are.

Well, if they're so unremarkable, why are you remarking about them?

Gah.

Anyway, was tempted to ask Lea what she thought about mine and Lucius' relationship (or… whatever we have.) Got an answer that resembles this:

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAL! Oh, Pippa, we all think it's just ever so lovely! We being the Slytherins, of course. Well, except for Snape, he's being a horrid beast about the whole thing. ANYway! I think it's just great how you two are together! I mean, not only do you look so cute together –since you're so short and he's so tall and _blond_- but you're breaking boundaries within the school! Everyone thinks it's amazing how a Slytherin and Ravenclaw are going out! Especially since it's Lucius and he's the biggest Slytherin around! And you! Well, you're the quintessential brooding Ravenclaw! So really, I think it's just darling how you two are together! Especially since we all thought that him and Narcissa would get married! Oh, speaking of which, be sure to invite me to the wedding!"

…

Brooding Ravenclaw! I am _not_ brooding! I'm just quiet! And wedding? Er… I've never even been on a _date_, let alone had a boyfriend. So I'm thinking… er... no.

Gah! Slughorn alert!

**Charms Classroom  
3:56 PM **

We have a substitute teacher. Professor Socrates. He seems a very… philosophical sort. Keeps going on about how like is what you make it.

But I have one question for _him_.

What in Merlin's name does that have to do with Charms?

…

In case you can't tell, I happen to _like_ charms.

Even though I usually end up making Tornall levitate for no reason.

Er…

**Common Room**

**11:23 PM**

I was just thinking back on today and… did Lucius say we were going out?

…

…

…

My mind is surely going to burst with all the confusion bumping around up there.

* * *

**Disclaimer:** I am not J.K Rowling. I am not that great.

**Author's Note: **So here's the next chapter. Hopefully as funny as you seem to think the other chapters were.

And I'm sorry for being a complete idiot and forgetting how to spell 'Lucius' (honestly, I'm not usually that scatterbrained) and that Slughorn was Potions Master. So thanks to you guys who pointed that out to me. I always appreciate constructive criticism.

And once again, this was not sent to a beta so my errors are a representation of my laziness. I hope you treat them accordingly.

-Mel


	5. I am NOT a Bad Date!

**September 26 **

Great Hall  
1:26 PM

I am so completely uninterested in the food selection for lunch that I feel as if I should update.

And update I shall!

Er… alright, so what's new in my life, you ask? Well, honestly not much. Classes are still boring, the food is still disgusting, and my love like is still confusing. Because let me tell you something:

Having a boyfriend is _hard_.

I mean, I always thought that it would be romantic dinners and heartfelt conversations. But no, _oh no_. It's more like mildly confusing little anecdotes being passed from one another and quiet walks from class to class.

…

Honestly, it's not all that it's cracked up to be.

…

That's what Lucius and I are now: Boyfriend and Girlfriend. I came right out and asked him last Saturday. He had asked me to go for a walk with him, and we were rounding the lake, when a few of his friends came running over to him. They two big, burly types that I recognized vaguely from the Slytherin Quidditch team, and they paid me little mind as they started speaking quickly with Lucius.

"Malfoy," one of them said. He had a big, flat nose, and when he spoke his voice was very nasally. "Stupid Gryffindor tossers attacked Snape-"

"Slime and puss everywhere," the second one finished. "He was asking for you, said he knew you would know what to do about them."

Lucius nodded his head. "I was wondering when they would try something inane like that. Tell him to meet me in the Common Room in fifteen minutes and we'll work something out then."

The two boys just kind of stood there for a few moments before Lucius finally went, "Well…_go_." Realization dawned on them –I'm sorry but... they're rather…_slow_- and they hurried away to do his bidding. Lucius waited till they were out of earshot before turning to me and saying, "I'm sorry my dearest Pippa, but it seems as if I'm going to have to cut our outing short." He kissed my hand –I've realized that that's just what he _does_- and was already walking away from me before something occurred to me.

"Er, Lucius?" I called.

"Yes?" He asked, striding back over to me.

I looked up at him. He really is very tall; I had to crane my neck to look at him. "Well… don't you ha- er, dislike Snape?" He looked at me blankly. "What I mean to say is, Lea told me that you lot don't really, well, _like_ Snape. And I was just wondering why it is that you're whisking way to help him…" I let my words trail off.

His emotionless expression continued on for a moment until a small smile escaped. "Don't worry, Pippa dear. This is not some elaborately concocted scheme to rid myself of you; I am merely going to help out a fellow Slytherin –and yes, a Slytherin that I am not overly fond of- in his time of need. I just hope you take this as an example of my dedication to people." And with that he bowed and started to walk away again.

But I still had one more thing to ask him, and was figuring that now or never was the time to ask…

"And, um, Lucius?" He turned to look at me. "I was just wondering." I paused for a moment. "Er… what exactly is going on between us? Because you keep walking me to places and asking me to take more walks with you and I was just a little confused…"

It was his turn to pause, but instead of standing still like he had, I was fidgeting. Finally he let out a loud laugh and grabbed my hand. He bent to kiss it, all the while saying, "Ah, sweet Pippa, you always seem to surprise me." He picked his head up and straightened, and suddenly he was serious. "I am courting you, and I hope you don't mind."

I looked at him for a moment, digesting his words. "Well, no, I don't mind."

He smiled again –this is the most I've ever seen him smile, I swear to you- and said, "You have no idea how happy that makes me, my sweet." Then his smile turned patient. "Now, is there anything else you would like clarified?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm all good."

He bowed. "In that case, I bid you adieu!" Then he turned and walked away.

…

So yea. That's basically it.

…

* * *

**October 3 **

Common Room  
10:32 AM

I cannot believe that it has been only a month since school started –or a month and three days, if you're going to be technical- because my life is so radically different from what it used to be. I used to be the quiet –or _brooding_, as Lea would say- girl that had no friends and just moved listlessly from day to day, and now I have a boyfriend and a bunch of influential people –namely, the Slytherins- rallying around me.

And to think all it took was attacking Severus Snape.

…

I can now see what the Slytherins find so appealing about doing it. Attacking people, I mean.

…

Oh, who am I kidding? I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

Sigh.

Well, anyway, just thought I'd keep you posted on the goings-on in my life. Well, I've already told you about my love life, so really the only thing to remark upon is… well, honestly, there's nothing to remark upon _besides_ my love life.

I'm going out with Lucius Malfoy, and that's basically it.

Well, OK, so I'm getting better grades in Potions –dating and Slytherin and having one for a Potions partner actually goes for something- and I've suddenly sprouted new friends. And I'm no longer getting glared at by Snape –yes! - or being sexual harassed by Black –_double_ yes!-. Do you know that he has a new girlfriend? Her name is Diane Lewandowski and she seems to be a rather, er, _leggy_ girlfriend. (Honestly, that's the only thing I can say about her.) They're always snogging in the corridors and at the Gryffindor table. And it's rather disgusting. I mean, at least Lucius and I have a little taste!

…

Well, actually, I've never _tasted_ him, if you know what I mean, but that doesn't mean that if I had that would be snogging him left and right. I have a little bit more class than _that_.

But speaking of not snogging my boyfriend… our date to Hogsmead is in a week. Why that involves snogging should be obvious, as it will be our first _real_ date, and everyone knows that you end up snogging on your first real date. At least… that's how it goes in the romance novels that my mum is always leaving around the flat. And Merlin knows that that's the best source of information I'm going to find.

I mean, yea, I _could_ go to Lea, but… I already tried breaching the subject, and she started on about _Snape_ of all people. The conversation revolted me completely, and has totally kicked me off the whole asking-friends-for-advice-on-snogging thing, that I'm willing to place my bet on the novels.

But… well, what if I do it wrong? I already know that Lucius has snogged someone; he admitted it to me in one of his more open moods. He said, and this is a direct quote, "Yes, I have already tasted the sweetness of wild abandon, but I have since decided to wait to do so again till I am wholly and completely devoted to another human being."

Which means one thing: he's already kissed someone, and I am going to be totally inadequate compared to them. I mean, I can't see _anyone_ being "wholly and completely devoted" to me, let alone Lucius, so I am doomed to failure. I mean, it's obvious that he likes me –I'm not so green as to not be able to realize that when he says he courting someone, he means it- but as to whether or not he'll ever be "wholly and completely devoted" is a completely different situation all together.

So what if he tries kissing me and he realizes that I'm not that human being worthy of his devotion? I mean, there's got to be _some_ sort of indicator, and I supremely doubt I'm going to know what the indicator is, and then I'm going to completely muck it up and our entire relationship is going to be soddy and it'll be ALL MY FAULT.

…

I've been obsessing over this for what seems like years, and as you can see, it's messing with me.

Sigh.

Excuse me while I go wallow in self-pity.

**2:45 PM**

Just got a letter from my mum, asking how the first month of term was. Just penned her my response, saying that it has been rather eventful and that I have a boyfriend named Lucius Malfoy and a friend named Lea.

I'm that when my mum reads it she'll drop in a dead faint and have to be carried straight away to St. Mungo's. Then my father will read it and he'll tell me that in no uncertain terms will I have a boyfriend, and that I need to concentrate on my studies if I ever want to work in the Ministry.

…

It will be a very odd letter, considering how usually the only thing I report on is the weather and how I left my favorite pair of socks and could they please send them to me ASAP?

Well, I must go. I'm supposed to be meeting Lucius in fifteen minutes and I need to change out of my pajamas.

So…bye.

**Library  
3:22 PM**

Well, I met up with him at the door outside the Great Hall at 3:00 just like we planned, and we were on our way to start our walk when a Slytherin came running up to him and said something like, "It's time." Then Lucius was apologizing and saying he needed to go and the next thing I knew I was standing outside all alone.

So I decided to come up here and get some homework done. And plus I have detention here in a few hours so I might as well just stay here.

…

My life is sadly uninteresting.

Anyway, the library is surprisingly unoccupied for a Saturday afternoon. Usually the place is teeming with people, but today it's only me, a few groups of Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors, and a red headed girl all the way in the corner.

Ugh, I have to go and get some stuff for a Transfiguration essay that's due Monday.

**4:43 PM**

Honestly, the person who decided that Transfiguration should be a class is INSANE. Who cares about Animagi and Human Transformations? I know _I_ certainly don't, and I'm crazier than half of the population at this school, _more_ than half, if you ask around.

Grah. Three hours till detention. Might as well get to work on Charms.

**5:45 PM**

UGH. Homework.

**6:23 PM**

Stick a fork in me, because I am _done_. Done with school, done with homework, done with _life_.

**7:45 PM**

OK, it may be just me, but when you see someone sitting by themselves in the library, dutifully doing their homework –or napping, as the case may be- doesn't that kind of make you think that that person wants to be _left alone?_

I mean, to normal people it would seem that way, but not to the Oh So Amazing Sirius Black. Oh _no_, seeing someone sitting quietly in a corner of the library apparently mean, "Hey! They're alone! Let's go over there and make them realize just _why_ it is that they're alone! Whoo! Squee! WHOOOOOOOO!"

…

Perhaps I should start from the beginning.

So I was sitting at my little desk, working on a stupid essay for some class when all of a sudden in front of me is Sirius Never-Shuts-Up Black and his weekly floozy Diane Lewandowski. It surprised me, and I was left there blinking and staring up at them.

"Hello, Princess, Working hard, I see." He said it with a smirk, so I took it to me the rest of the phrase: _Or hardly Working._

"I was, yes," I said coolly, letting my unsaid words be: _Until you showed up._

His smirk left his face and he raised an eyebrow while I danced an inner jig at my amazing skills. Or, at least I did, before he turned to the _very_ blonde Diane and said, "This is Lucius Malfoy's girlfriend, the one I was telling you about." His unspoken words were very rude, as they happened to involve scathing remarks about myself.

"Oh!" She accompanied these words with a widening of her eyes. "So you're Puppa Rightwing!"

I blinked at her. _Puppa? _"Pippa, actually," I amended, giving her one of my hands to shake. (Shut up. It's the polite thing to do, and my parents brought me up to be polite.)

She kind of just stared at it for a moment before realizing what to do with it. She quickly brushed her hand with mine as she said, "Oh, well, Sirius has told me about you, so I feel like I know you already."

"Told you about me, huh?" I asked, looking over at Sirius. He was gazing at me innocently, so I _knew_ that whatever he said could not be very nice. "And exactly has he told you about me?"

She stared at me like it should be obvious. And looking back, I can see that it _was_ obvious. "Why, that you cost him another two months of detention, of course!"

At this point I remember kind of just looking at her like she was crazy. I mean she and her boyfriend had come over here and woken me u- er, stopped me from doing my homework, and then she has the _audacity_ to accuse me of such falsities? I think not.

My gaze turned even cooler, if that's possible, since I was already pretty comatose by the time they came over to me. "He said that?" I asked, giving him a Look, the very Look my mother give my father whenever he forgets to put the laundry away.

"Well, yea," she said. "I mean, isn't that the truth?"

I gave her a pitying look, and was about to answer when Sirius decided now would be a good time to add his input. "Oh, don't be modest, Princess. You should be proud of the fact that you made me knock all the bookshelves down. I've never seen such beautiful destruction."

I glared at him. Yes, _me. Glaring_. I can't think of the last time I glared at anyone. "The only reason I made you knock all the bookshelves down," I said between gritted teeth, "is because you were staring up my skirt!"

Apparently, Sirius had left that little bit out, because Diane turned to him and screeched, "YOU LOOKED UP HER SKIRT!" After saying this loud enough to make the very few people in the library look at us she smacked him across the face and stormed out.

"You know," Sirius said, watching her stomp away. "I've been wanting to go out with her since my third year."

I looked at him for a moment before turning back to the essay I had been writing before they came along. "Then maybe you should follow her," I suggested.

He was still looking after her. "Meh," he said with a shrug of his shoulders. "She was a bad kisser anyway." He turned, and then in one fluid movement sat down into the chair opposite me. Then he put his feet up on the table –almost knocking my finished Transfiguration essay on the floor, mind you- and leaned back in his chair.

And that's where we are now. I'm writing an essay –or pretending to, as the case may be- and he's lounging across from me.

And it's awkward as hell.

I mean, I was fine dealing with the whole Sirius-Diane-Confrontation, but having him just sitting across from me and staring at me? Yea, I'm not too good with that. My bravado leaves at the in-between stage, which in this case, would be when Diane stomped away.

But there are only twelve minutes till detention starts, and I'm sure I can bare with him till then. I mean, it's not like _he's_ going to talk to _me_.

Oh Merlin, he's speaking.

"You know, Princess, there _was_ a reason why Diane and I came over here."

I will _not_ give into him.I _will not!_ No matter what he says, I will _not look up and acknowledge him. _

"We were supposed to deliver an invitation for a party Rowania is throwing."

WHAT?

"Mmhmm, Princess, it's true. Only I think she's going to _un_invite you, since you broke up Diane with her lovely boyfriend. Namely me."

Ugh, like I'd want to go to her party.

"Speaking of boyfriends, I was wondering..."

Merlin, does this boy _never_ shut up?

"Why _exactly_ are you going out with Malfoy, Princess? Is it because you couldn't get anyone else?"

_**XAFHDFJDFAJDFALSDKFADFJKAH?**_

"Hmm, I see I've hit a sore spot. But you should know, Princess, you can do _so _much better than that ponce Malfoy."

"What happened to 'Cupcake'?"

NO! I GAVE IN! DAMMIT!

Oh great. And now he's grinning.

"Decided that it fit you better. Plus it will always remind you of the gift I gave you."

Ugh. I had forgotten all about it.

"Whatever happened to that little book? Did you figure out it's intended purpose?"

If it's intended purpose is to scar little girls for life, then yes, indeed it did.

"I can tell from your blush that you did. Now, I have a question for you. Did you read page 54, because-"

OH THANK MERLIN! MCGONAGALL IS HERE!

**Common Room  
11:26 PM**

Black had no chance to further taint my mind as McGonagall apparently thought that us being in the library together was some sort of date –Ugh, makes me sick just thinking about it- and separated us.

Thank Merlin for small favors.

* * *

**October 4**

**Common Room  
8:23 AM**

Six Days Till Date with Lucius.

* * *

**October 5  
**

**Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom  
11:54 PM**

Five Days Till Date with Lucius.

* * *

**October 6 **

Charms Classroom  
3:32 PM

Four Days Till Date with Lucius.

* * *

**October 7 **

Potions Classroom  
**1:56 PM**

Three Days Till Date with Lucius.

Lea's comment on the whole deal:

"Oooooooh! Only three days! You lucky _duck_! Make sure he takes you to Madam Puddifoot's! Oh, don't look at me like _that_, Pippa. You know, Madam Puddifoot's. Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop? Oh, you poor unfortunate girl. That's where boyfriends take their girlfriends. They have the most _wonderful_ scones. I had one there when I went with Jeffery Briggens. Oh, did I ever tell you about the time-? Oh, never mind, it doesn't matter. Anyhoo! Be sure he takes you there! And if he takes you to Fortuna's Fanciful Fobs, even better! Why? Oh, Dear, if he takes you there, then you _know _he's serious. That's where everyone takes their dear ones to get engagement rings! You know, I don't think you're supposed to make that noise after you take a sip of the potion. The side effects are Dizziness, Drowsiness, and Somberness, but not gagging. Oh! Oh dear! Professor Slughorn? Professor Slughorn, Pippa's making a very odd noise…"

* * *

**October 8  
**

**Common Room  
11:57 PM**

Two Days Till Date with Lucius.

* * *

**October 9**

**Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom  
****12:06 PM**

One Day Till Date with Lucius.

Lucius: "I cannot wait to have thine fine hand in mine as we walk down the famed streets of Hogsmead together, my love."

* * *

**October 10**

**Common Room  
****8:24 AM**

Zero Days Till Date with Lucius.

Zero.

_Zero_.

As in… there are no more days left.

As in… today is the day of our date.

As in… today may be the day where I have my first kiss.

As in… the day where Lucius will realize that I am _not_ the one he will be "wholly and completely devoted" to.

As in… the day where we will break up.

…

Excuse me while I go drown myself in the shower.

**8:56 AM**

Oh Merlin. I'm meeting him in four minutes. FOUR MINUTES. And then he will walk me to breakfast and I will eat nothing since it tastes very bad and I'll probably just end up throwing it up anyway and then once he's done with _his_ breakfast he will walk over to my table and hold out his arm and say something completely charming and poetic and I will grab his arm and we will walk to Hogsmead amongst the stares of many and have our date where we will probably go to Merlin only knows and then we will do Merlin knows what and then he will say something _else_ poetic and charming and then he will lean down to kiss me and-

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

**Great Hall  
9:13 AM**

I cannot eat. And not because of the food, because they actually have sausage and I _like_ sausage, but because I'm so worried about our date.

I mean, how should I act? Should I be myself, or should I be more bold and outgoing, or should I be more quiet and subdued (as if that's possible)? And what if I _do_ act myself and he totally and completely hates it? What then? And he doesn't say something poetic and charming and he _doesn't_ try to kiss me? What then!

Oh, Merlin, this is difficult.

**9:25 PM**

He's coming!

I think I'm going to throw up.

**Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop**

**2:30 PM**

So this whole dating thing? Yea, it's… _easy_.

I mean, you kind of just let him lead you around and say nothing and agree with whatever he says and say hi and be nice to all his friends.

I don't know what I was so worried about.

I'm _obviously_ a natural.

Oh goodie, he's coming back from the bathroom. Must put you away and show off my hitherto unknown dating skills.

**Common Room**

**11:12 PM**

Sooooooo happy that not even Black's inane comments cannot bring down my high mood!

The date was _perfect_. He said amazingly charming and poetic things, introduced me to all of his friends, and took me to Madame Puddifoots.

And he didn't _once_ try to kiss me. Just said, "I had a lovely time today, Pippa," whilst wearing the _most _serious face, and then kissed my hand and forehead before going back to his Common Room.

Siiiigh.

I have never felt this content in my life.

And that's even counting the time when Great Aunt Mildred III went back to Russia.

* * *

**Disclaimer: **I am not J.K Rowling. But I am the creator of Pippa. So that has to count for _something_, right?

**Author's Note: **Well, this was an interesting chapter to write. Things are going along rather…_swimmingly_ for Pippa and Lucius, wouldn't you say?And she's sticking up for herself! (Kinda.)

Anyway, beta still on vacation, and I'm still lazy sooooo… there are still mistakes! Discount them, please, unless they're the important ones.

And I hadn't noticed that there were no Saturdays and Sundays in here up until today so... I added some! LMAO, I really am one of the more scatterbrained people I know.

Hope you enjoy the chapter!

-Mel


	6. I am NOT in an Untrusting Relationship!

**October 19  
Common Room**

**12:43 PM**

Well… hello there. How're you? Good? That's good, that's good. How am I? Oh, I'm just fine. Peachy, in fact. _Marvelous_.

…

Discount that entirely, please.

So anyway, things have changed a bit since my date with Lucius. Whereas before The Date (I think every changing point in your life should be uppercased, don't you?) Lucius would introduce me to his friends, albeit aloofly, now he's been taking me down to the Slytherin Common Room.

At first I was really… I dunno. Unenthusiastic doesn't really fit, but happy doesn't either. So… er… basically I was somewhere in between. And it wasn't just because it was the _dungeons_ –c'mon, just being down there makes your skin crawl- but also because… well, wasn't Lucius rushing things a bit? I mean, we'd only really been on one _real_ date, if you're discounting the little walks from class and such –which I am-, and right after it I was suddenly going to his Common Room. I dunno, it just felt _weird_.

So at first I kind of just smiled –or blushed. Whatever- but after going there for a couple days I started to ease up a little –well, you know, as much as I can. And I've actually met some interesting people.

Did you know that Sirius Black has a _brother_? His name is… Regimus or… something. But everyone just calls him Black. Or Reggie. But I've learned that only girls call him that. You know, the ones that want to get in his pants.

…

Um… and Snape is always there too. And he's always…_staring_ at me. I mean, we've –ha! As if I'm a part of this- gotten to the point where he's not glaring anymore –I thank Lea and Lucius everyday for that- but just… _staring_. Like he's reading my mind.

And frankly, it's creeping me out.

I mean, he was creepy before, with the glaring and the nether bits and the whole wanting to hurt me in DADA. But this quiet –though I'm not so sure it's quiet in his _mind_, if you know what I mean.- evaluation and "Rah! I'm going to creep you out!" is getting to me more than that ever did.

Sigh.

But anyway. The reason I'm not there now –I generally go there for my free period and before my detentions to do homework- is because Lucius was whisked away by his adoring fans by the words, "It's ready."

Seriously.

I'm not lying.

Not about the whole, "It's ready," thing, 'cause that's all too real.

But the adoring fans thing. He's got _scads_ of them. They treat him like he's king. And they're always _everywhere_. I mean, we'll just be sitting on one of the couches in their Common Room –green with silver embroidery, of course- and they're just be _there_. Looking at us from the corners of their eyes but too afraid to come any nearer.

I never knew my boyfriend wielded such power.

…

Anyway, homework calls!

Sadly.

**Great Hall  
1:26 PM**

OH.

MY.

DEAR.

MERLIN.

They've all got green hair and skin and eyes and… _teeth_?

And… Oh Merlin… are those silver streaks going through their… well, green?

Why would they do that?

Ugh. Gryffindors confuse me.

Especially _those_ Gryffindors.

Sigh.

**Potions Classroom  
2:13 PM**

Looking back, I can see that it was very naïve of me to think that Black (the Gryffindor one), Potter, Lupin and Pettigrew dyed their hair green and silver. I mean, those are _Slytherin_ colors, and Merlin knows that they all hate them. (Though they're all very nice people. Well, maybe not _all_. I mean, Snape is still a pratty little prat that goes around doing little pratty things. Er…) And while it would have been the greatest prank in all of, well, pranks, to dye their hair Slytherin colors, they aren't smart enough to come up with it.

No. But my boyfriend is.

Sigh.

Here's what Lea had to say about it:

"Oh, Pippa dear, I must say, your boyfriend is _quite_ the humorous little devil! I must say that you're quite lucky to have him. Oh, don't give me _that_ look, darling. I'm not trying to steal him out from underneath your nose! No, I'd much rather have Geoffrey Trailor. All that glorious black hair and blue eyes. Makes me positively _faint _to be around him. And that's certainly saying something considering how I'm generally one of the most level person I know. Anyway, no! I don't want Lucius. Well, besides the fact that he's devilishly handsome –especially in that cape of his! Mmmrowr!- and very charming and witty and- oh! Well, it would seem like I want him! But no matter, I don't. He looks _much_ better with you. All that lovely blonde hair and whatnot. But I think it's positively _glorious_ what he did to those blasted Gryffindors! Can you imagine? Green! And Silver! HaHa! I can't remember anything quite so amusing in all my live-long days! Well, there was the one time at Quidditch Camp, but… well, no matter! That's an entirely different sto- Oh, you didn't know that he was behind that marvelous little prank? I thought you'd be the first to know… well, that's alright! I'm sure it just escaped him somehow. You know how boys are. One minute they're telling you how beautiful you are and the next they've got their hand up your skirt. Oh! Pippa! Oh dear! Breathe! _Breathe!_ And wipe that spittle off your face; it's very unladylike. Why, if only your mother could see you now…"

It's amazing that I remembered all that, but… well… the things that she says just kind of _stick_. It's like… her words have some sort of magical power and you Cant. Get. Them. OUT.

Er… not that you wouldn't.

…

And no, I didn't "spittle". How dare you say such slanderous things?

**Common Room**

**7:15 PM**

Well, I've gotten a chance to talk to Lucius about his prank, and all he said was this:

"Well, sweeting, there's only so many maligns one person can take before he finally has to retaliate. It's all about honor. Now come back over here and we'll finish your Potions homework."

Seriously. That's it. "It's all about honor." He might as well have said, "It's all about me not trusting you."

Ugh.

**11:39 PM**

My head hurts.

And it's all that stupid Black's fault.

**11:40 PM**

Not the racist Black though. I'm not some type of racists pig.

I meant Black. As in… person.

**11:41 PM**

Though I guess I should be a bit more specific. I mean, there are two of them. At least. I mean, there might be more. Probably _is_ more, considering how most pure-blood family have like fifty million kids. Well, except for my family. We may be purebloods, but we've only got me.

And honestly, I've always wondered why that is. I mean… was I that much of a screw-up that they didn't want to have any more? Is that it? IS IT?

**11:42 PM**

And just so we're clear, I was talking about Sirius Black. Not.. uh.. Reggie or whatever his name is. But his older, dumber, more annoying brother.

UGH. MY HEAD HURTS.

**11:44 PM**

And I bet you're wondering why. I mean, it's not like I'm always writing away in here about how much my life stinks and how it's all because of a certain Mr. Sirus(ly STUPID! HaHa!) Black.

My life holds more meaning than that!

**11:45 PM**

But seriously! That stupid... uh... stupid TOAD! It's not my fault that my boyfriend decided to dye your hair green and silver and completely embarrass you in front of the entire school! It's not my fault that your reputation has been brought down a few notches. It's not my fault that you ego has been bruised!

So where do you get off saying, "I see that you've got your boyfriend doing your dirty work, Princess. And here I was thinking better of you."

Pssh! Exc_use_ me! I'll have you know that it was not my fault! And I don't have my boyfriend doing my "dirty work" as you so eloquently described it! If he wants to dye your hair because you're being a prat, that doesn't mean _I_ asked him to. So lay off, you green haired jerk! **_AND STOP CALLING ME PRINCESS!_**

….

You know, that probably would have been the thing to say to him. You know, other than, "Narf."

Ugh.

**11:47 PM**

And really, what _is_ "Narf"? It's certainly not a real word. I would know if it was. I mean, I _am_ in Ravenclaw. So where do I get off saying, "Narf" to people that are _obviously_ upset at me, when I'm supposed to come up with something witty and incisive?

**11:48 PM**

Although it _could_ be worse. I mean, I _could_ have said, "Whug."

**11:49 PM**

Which is _infinitely_ more asinine than "Narf."

**11:50 PM**

…

**11:51 PM**

I think.

**11:52 PM**

Maybe if I go to sleep, the world will be a happy place again.

**11:53 PM**

Yea, right, and hippogriffs can swim.

**11:54 PM**

Wait, _can_ hippogriffs swim?

**11:55 PM**

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

* * *

**Disclaimer: **I am _not_ J.K Rowling. I mean, I wish I was but… alas… I am not that great. 

**Author's Note: **Wow, _this_ chapter certainly took me, well, _forever_ to get out. But I will say this for myself: I have just started the transition into High School and I'm allowed to not write.

I… uh… think.

Well, anyway, here's the new chapter and it's short but... well… transitions usually are. And plus, I actually updated so… there.

Speaking of updates… I'll be updating at least once week from here on out so… don't take me off your favorites' lists and alerts. Please. It'll make me cry. 

So, uh… hoped ya liked it!

Oh.. and if anyone actually knows Sirius' brother's name... could ya please tell me? Please/kay/thanks!

-Melissa


	7. I am NOT the Birthday Girl!

**October 24**

**Library**

**11:59 AM**

_Happy birthday Pippa!_

Uh… what?

_Happy birthday!_

Lea…

_What:-D_

It's not my birthday.

_Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!_

It's not my birthday.

_It's not?_

No.

…

Lea… what did you do?

_Nothing._

Lea.

_Nothing._

Lea.

_Oh, fine. I'll tell you. But just because you used a scary voice on paper and gave me a Look. And because it's not really your birthday. But only just because._

Lea!

_OK! Merlin's beard, keep your witches' hat on! _

LEA!

_Ok! I may or may not have told everyone that it was your birthday and that we should throw you a surprise birthday party tonight down in the dungeons and make sure that we all give you presents and make you an honorary Slytherin. _

…

_But I may not have._

…

_Pippa?_

…!

_Pippa? Did you just use an exclamation point at the end of your pause?_

RXSLTRAPOYNAMAKFJTUANAFMDNFAKHFJAFHJ!

_What?_

I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.

_Uh… sorry? _

**Great Hall**

**1:25 PM**

Approximately twelve people have come up to me and wished me a Happy Birthday.

Twelve. _Twelve_. And I don't know _any_ of them. Not a single one. I think one was a Hufflepuff first year. She tripped over herself to get to me and she gave me two galleons.

AND IT'S NOT EVEN MY BIRTHDAY.

I'm going to kill her.

**1:27 PM**

Lea. Not the first year Hufflepuff.

Her name isn't Lea. At least… I don't think.

…

**1:28 PM**

I'm going to kill Lea.

I meant to write_ that_.

**1:35 PM**

_I'm going to kill her._

I may have just been saying that, but now I'm really going to.

_Sirus Black_ just came up to me and kissed my hand and wished me a Happy Birthday.

Loudly.

And in the form of a very annoying song.

**1:37 PM**

And told me that he has a special present waiting for me up in the Astronomy Tower.

And he kissed my hand.

And that I should meet him up there at eleven o'clock to get it.

And he kissed my hand.

…

But mostly I'm just fixating on the fact that he was singing an annoying song to me.

**1:38 PM**

Oh Merlin, now I've got to wash my hand.

**Common Room**

**2:32 PM**

I'm hiding out here until it's time to go down to the dungeons and tell everyone that it's not my birthday and apologize.

But that sounds a little like it's my fault. (And it's not. It's Lea's. _All_ of it. I never gave any indication that it was my birthday.) So I've been trying to devise a plan to apologize.

So far I've got… well.. nothing.

Ugh.

I need to go bash my head on a table.

If you'll excuse me.

**2:35 PM**

I'M MEETING SIRIUS BLACK TONIGHT AT THE ASTRONOMY TOWER!

**2:36 PM**

AND HE'S GOT A PRESENT FOR ME!

**2:37 PM**

AND I'VE GOT A BOYFRIEND THAT WILL PROBABLY FROWN ON SUCH BEHAVIOR!

**2:37 ½ PM**

I NEED TO GET THAT PRESENT!

**5:22 PM**

What kind of a person am I that I take a _nap_ during a time of great peril?

UGH!

Gotta go.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**6:01 PM**

I've just been plucked, primped, and painting on till about an inch of my life.

That scream that I did-And yea, I realize that I wrote it down on paper. Shut up-? It was because Lea walked into the Common Room like she owned the place with about four different people in tow. She then said, "We're here to make the birthday girl get all pretty!" with a Look to me –she insists that the looks people give other people should be uppercased- that plainly said, "It's your birthday and get over it." And then she had this _giant_ of a girl named Cookie (no, I am _not_ kidding) pin me down the chair before whipping out a bag literally overflowing with makeup and other girly things and attacking me with the contents.

And a half an hour later, I don't look like myself.

It's _weird_. My hair is all…wavy and not stick straight. And I have makeup on. And… I'm wearing a _very_ short skirt.

OH DEAR MERLIN I LOOK LIKE A TART!

**6:05 PM**

And I didn't get that present from Black.

UUUUUUGH!

**October 25 **

**Common Room**

**2:04 AM**

Oh.

Dear.

Merlin.

That has been seriously one of the more…c_razy_ things that has ever happened to me.

…

And traumatizing.

Sob.

**2:11 AM**

I just went and got a cold cloth for my wrist. Took forever because I was trying so hard to not wake everyone up. I don't want to be yelled at by four screaming girls in face masks.

And curlers.

And extremely short sleepwear.

…

But that's neither here nor there. The point is that I am back and ready to tell me story.

…

But… I dunno if I should tell you my story. I mean… I kind of just want to forget about it, and writing it down and talking about it certainly wont help me forget. I mean… what if I turn back to this page sometime in the future and see what wrote and I'm instantly taken back to this horrible, horrible night? That _certainly_ wont help me forget.

But on the other hand, I need to tell _someone_, even if it's only myself. 'Cause I need to get this off my chest.

Although I don't want to.

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.

**2:36 AM**

Much debate has just taken place, and I've decided that I'm going to tell you, but after I'm done I'm going to Spello-tape these pages together so I'll never come across them again. The whole thing insures that I tell someone so I'm not keeping things bottled up inside –my mother _and_ Lea both tell me that I'm too quiet about my feelings so… I guess they're right- but I wont run the risk of rereading this sometime in the future.

So… both of me win.

…

Not that I have multiple personality disorder or something. 'Cause I don't. I mean… my Aunt Mildred did, but those things aren't hereditary so…

Wait… aren't mental illnesses hereditary? I remember reading that somewhere. Probably some random Muggle Studies book that someone left out.

Those crazy Muggles are always coming up with crazy ideas to go with their crazy… ness.

Especially about crazy things.

…

Sob. I _am_ crazy.

**2:40 AM**

OK, that whole feeling sorry for myself thing took up a few minutes, sorry. But now I'm done and ready to write and I've got my Spello-tape handy so… I'm ready to roll.

…

Proverbially, of course. Not _actually_. I'm not so depressed that I'm actually going to roll myself down the stairs.

That would hurt to much.

…

Sigh.

Ok, I'm done stalling. I'm going to get down the business.

……………………………………………………

Siiigh.

Ok. So… after the whole Lea springing her fashion minions on me, we headed down to the dungeons for my Birthday Party. Or rather… Un-Birthday Party considering how it wasn't actually my birthday. But no matter.

Uh… so… I went down to the dungeons with them but... before we got to the Common Room Lea whipped out a blindfold and said, "Here…put this on." So I put it on, and Lea was like, "Oh, goodie, I _knew_ that the yellow would work _smashingly_ with your navy skirt. Didn't I say that Cookie? Oh, and it looks marvelous with those black shoes. Oh, _very chic!_" and then she proceeded to chatter some more until it would be impossible for me to write down everything she said and have any paper left in this journal.

So… yea. Uh.. after that we got to the Common Room and then opened up the door with some password (It was like… Muggle-guts or something. Charming, isn't it?) and suddenly the blindfold was yanked off me and I was suddenly surrounded by what seemed like millions of people holding present out to me and wishing me a happy birthday and singing to me and Lea was chattering in my ear about something and UGH!

I mean.. it wasn't even my birthday.

…

But… uh… anyway. I just stood there for a moment before Lucius came over to me and yelled over the crowd, "Lets give the woman of the hour some air, shall we?" And since he's Lucius and everyone loves him they all scrambled away and I could finally _breathe_.

My boyfriend really is quite amazing sometimes, isn't he?

Yes, I think so.

Right…well… after that Lucius took me over to some of his friends and we were talking about nothing really until finally someone yelled out, "The Butterbeer's here!" and everyone basically ran over to them, leaving Lucius and me just standing there.

It was awkward at first 'cause… well… he was in the middle of telling a story about his mother or something and everyone just ran away from him and he was glowering 'cause, well, it's Lucius and he doesn't like to be ignored. But he kind of just shook his head for a moment before turning to me and saying, "Happy Birthday, my dear."

I kind of just looked up at him and debated lying to him –I mean, he's the type of person that hates liars, and if he knew that I told everyone that it was my birthday, even if I _didn't_, then he would be mad at me- but I decided that he would hate me more if I lied now and he found out the truth later. So I told him, "Uh… actually… it's not my birthday." I saw him give me a blank look for a moment and I started talking to forestall any yelling. "I mean, I didn't tell anyone that it was my birthday. Lea did that. But she told me not to tell anyone that it wasn't my birthday, that everyone was going to make me an honorary Slytherin tonight or something and that they would think that I was lying because I told them that it was my birthday when it wasn't so… uh… Yea." I saw him give me a funny look at this point, so I finished with, "So I'm… uh… sorry."

The look stayed on his face for a moment before he burst into laughter. Or, well, what accounts for bursting into laughter for Lucius. "Oh, Pippa, you truly _are_ a delight." He patted my hand. "Don't worry, darling. You have nothing to be sorry about. I know it's not your birthday. That's in January." He smiled like, "See, I remember things!" and continued with, "No, this is your birthday for the Slytherins. The day that you first became one of us, even just honorarily, is considered your birthday. So you have nothing to fret."

I must admit that I looked at him in much the same manner that he looked at me not moments before. My look, however, was accompanied with a blink. "Oh," I said after a minute. "OK then." He smiled and linked arms with me, and we walked over to where the person with the Butterbeer was.

Lucius gave me a bottle and took one for himself. Then we walked over to where Lea was sitting with Reggie –Black's brother, BTW. I learned that his name is actually Regulus from some very helpful Slytherins- Cookie, -SHUDDER- some random other people and…

Snape.

Shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudder.

…

Erm, sorry. Where was I? Oh, yes.

Well, then we sat around for a while, and pretty soon my butterbeer was gone, and so Lucius went and got me another one. And a little while after that I had another one. And a while after that, well… I'm sure you can guess what happened.

…

I was just a little pissed.

…

OK, a lot pissed.

I was hanging all over Lea and Cookie, telling them what wonderful people and makeup artists they were. And a little while after that I was hanging over Lucius telling him what a wonderfully amazing boyfriend he was. And I think after _that_ I was slapping Reggie and telling him that his brother was a heartless bastard who liked to look up helpless Ravenclaw's skirts.

…

And then all hell broke loose.

Because Lucius apparently didn't know that Black had stared up my skirt. And then someone told him that _Snape_ had looked up there too –I think it might have been me, actually, but I can't quite remember so… we'll just say it was Lea- and then him and Lucius were rolling on the floor and Reggie was looking at me telling me that I was nice to look at and all and that he could understand why everyone was looking up my skirt, but I was also a menace to society, and that I was just as bad as those stupid Gryffindors.

And that's when it hit me.

I was supposed to meet Black up in the Astronomy Tower in fifteen minutes!

I think it's safe to say that I sobered up pretty quickly.

I think it's also safe to say that I rushed out of the Common Room pretty quickly too. And once I was out of there, I ran up to the Astronomy Tower as quickly as I could. But considering how I was still half drunk and in heels and an extremely short skirt, it wasn't all that fast.

When I got up there, it was pretty cold –C'mon, it _is_ October, people- and pretty scary –There are shadows up there that do _not_ occur in nature- and no one was up there so…

I ended up curling in a corner.

And falling asleep.

…

Or passing out, if one wants to put too fine a point on it. But whatever.

I woke up a half an hour later to a face leering over me.

And not the fact I had been expecting –Black's, don't cha know, since he _was_ the one who told me to come up there- but the face that I was hoping I'd never have to misfortune to see leering over me.

Severus Snape.

Shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudder.

Times about a million.

Ugh.

Ugh.

…

UGH.

…

OK, I think I got that out of my system.

UGHx101214541545454!

Ok, maybe not.

Alrighty. Well, after seeing his face above mine, I pushed myself up against the wall and stood up.

And screamed. That goes without saying.

Then he _smiled_. _Smiled_ like my fear was something rich and joyous to lather and bath himself in.

And then he said, "Scream all you want, dear. No one will hear you."

…

Seriously, how creepy _is_ he?

_Extremely_ creepy is the right answer there, kiddies, and it you answered anything other than that, you are WRONG.

SO VERY, VERY WRONG.

Shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudder.

Ugh. Right, well, after that I did the thing that any sane person would do.

I started muttering, "Get off the roof, get off the roof, get off the roof," and inching towards the door.

And then I ran.

I ran as fast as my short, heeled, half drunken legs would carry me.

And since my legs were all of the above, I didn't get very far.

Though I would have gotten father if Snape hadn't grabbed my wrist and yanked me to him.

Grumble.

And Shudder, considering how the next thing he did was wrap his arms around me –EW! EW EW EW EW EW!- and whisper in my ear, "Hello, Pippa dear."

AKSDHFADJFHADFADJFHADFHUTNXAXCASDF!

Seriously, that's so disgusting. So very, very, VERY disgusting.

And it got even grosser when he continued with, "What would dear Lucius think if he knew what his little girlfriend was up to, hmm? What if he knew that you were schmoozing with another man?"

And then I heard it.

That horrible, horrible noise.

"Schmoozing, Sevvy-poo? Lud, man, your vocabulary just keeps getting better. First nether bits and now schmoozing? For someone who professes to have such a high IQ, you do use the oddest words."

That's right. It was Sirius Black. It would have to be Sirius Black, wouldn't it? Because, as if my life wasn't bad enough, what with my getting drunk and having a boyfriend that was basically the King of the Slytherins, I would have to be trapped in the Astronomy Tower with Sirius Black and Severus Snape.

Who the HELL am I punishing up there?

Seriously, _who_? I know I must be seriously annoying someone up there. Because I can't see why all this happening would be a good thing. Unless it's pointing me towards my true love, Severus Snape.

Or Sirius Black.

…

What I tried to make a joke to cheer me up actually just became the words that made me gag.

I can't even cheer myself up.

That's it, I fail at life.

Siiiigh.

…

Right, well, that was cheery, wasn't it? Well, it gets even better because as soon as Black said those stupid baiting little words, Snape's grip on my wrist tightened.

"This does not involve you, Black," he said viciously. "This is between me and the," he sneered, the bastard," _lovely_ Pippa Rightwing. So if you'd just leave and take the little tart you brought with you to molest, I'd really appreciate it."

Black's mien turned extremely nonchalant, and he leaned against wall by the door. "Well, that was extremely ungentlemanly, Severino. I did not bring anyone up here with me to molest." He grinned. "She was already waiting for me, weren't you Pippa?"

Snape's grip on my wrist increased until I saw stars. "You were waiting for _him_?" When I didn't answer, he started to shake me. "WERE YOU?" He boomed.

I didn't answer because a) to contrarily belief, I am not stupid, and b) I was in too much pain to say much of anything. Well, much of anything other than, "Ow." Because I did say that. And I said it quite loud. Well, loud enough for Black to straighten up from against the wall and to have his face grow serious. And for him to say, "Let her go," in a very scary voice.

But apparently it wasn't scary enough because Snape just threw me a cruel look and said, "No, I rather don't think I will."

And, for the second time that night, Snape was getting the crap beat out of him by someone, and all because of me.

And I must say, there is something rather satisfying about that. Especially since Black is apparently better at beating people up, since there were several loud cracks and many graonss coming from Snape.

And this didn't make me sad, not in the least. In fact, it actually made me kind of happy. An then I started to think, "Well, hmm, this makes a blood thirsty wench, indeed." But before I could dwell on it too much Black was taking me hand –the one not connected to my hurt wrist, thank Merlin- and started to drag me from the Astronomy Tower.

I looked back for a moment and saw Snape writhing on the floor. But then Black yanked my hand and said, "C'mon, he's not going to stay that was forever." He didn't have to tell me twice, and in a second I was upping the space.

We ran until we were sure he wasn't going to suddenly pop out of any where and hex us into oblivion. Then we stopped to catch out breath –OK, _I_ stopped to catch my breath. Stupid Black is apparently a rather athletic person since he wasn't panting in the least bit.

Once my breathing was relatively back to normal we started walking towards the direction of the Ravenclaw Common Room. For a few moments we walked in companionable silence –or, well, as companionable a silence one can have with Sirius Black- until he suddenly stopped and pulled me up against him.

…

I'm not even kidding.

He just… pulled me up against him.

And so I did what anyone –OK, maybe no _anyone_, considering how everyone basically wants him naked- who was in my position would do.

I screamed.

Or.. well, kind of screamed, since it was cut off quickly by Black's extremely quick reflexes, but I screamed nonetheless. And let me tell you. Screaming in an empty school in the dead of night? Yea, it can get loud. And carry. Everywhere.

I'm sure people in China heard me.

So it goes without saying that any and all parental figures –well, you know what I mean- heard it.

Especially stupid Filch. With his stupid cat. And his stupid rule book.

AND HIS STUPID CONNECTIONS WITH TEACHERS.

So yea. I'm sure you can guess that he came running. And saw us. And dragged us to a teacher. Which promptly gave us detentions.

Mmmhmm. Mmmhmm. Isn't that lovely?

LalalalalalalalaKLFJAKLFHAJKLFHALKFJAJFAXNADFJAHJ!

THAT STUPID SIRIUS BLACK GOT ME MORE DETENTION! I WAS ALMOST DONE WITH THE FIRST TWO THAT HE GOT ME –and the only reason I didn't have any last night was because McGonagall thought that I was making amazing progress or some such nonsense- AND NOW I'VE GOT ANOTHER MONTH!

ANOTHER MONTH!

Please! Someone hex me!

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.

…

Breathe… Breathe…

Ok.. I'm good.

But seriously, how sucky is my life right now? First everyone thinks it's my birthday, then I get drunk, then I practically break my wrist from stupid Snape –and it still hurts, dammit- and then I get another months detention.

…

WHATIN MERLIN'S BEARDDID I DO IN A PAST LIFE THAT I PISSED SOMEONE OFF THAT MUCH?

Ugh. I need to calm down.

No, what I need is to kill Sirius Black.

Slowly.

And with a really pointy stick.

…

And that's exactly what I'm going to do right this instant.

Screw writing about what happened –though I'm done, thank Merlin. I'm going to contemplate the many ways to torture and kill Sirius Black.

Sigh.

Bliss. Complete and utter bliss.

**Disclaimer:** I am not J.K Rowling. But the AMAZING Pippa is mine so… hands of bitches!

**Author's Notes**: Well, helloooooooooooooooooooo there lovies. How are you? Did you enjoy the chapter? 'Cause I certainly enjoyed writing it. :-D

Ok. Well, sorry for the long(er than expected) wait, but… I hope I made up for it with a longer than normal chapter. Fifteen beautiful pages of hilarious (in my opinion) Pippa.

And Sirius. That goes without saying.

And speaking of Sirius… I have a bit of a proposition for you readers out there. I was wondering if anyone would like to take to task the writing of Sirius' side of this story. You know, his thoughts, feeling, lusting for Pippa. If anyone is interesting, please send me a message at with a small excerpt of your writing style.

And if no one wants to do it… then… my dream of a Sirius diary will just be that. A dream.

Unless I get off my lazy ass and actually attempt to write one of my own. But I don't really see that happening.

Anywubbly, if you had any comments, concerns, or questions please write me a review and tell me.

And if you want to write Sirius' story.. well… drop me a line. ;-)

-Mel


	8. I am NOT a Betrayer!

**October 26  
****Common Room  
****7:20 AM**

Blah.

That's basically all I have to say right about now.

…

**7:22 AM**

My wrist still hurts. :-(

I hate Snape.

* * *

**October 27  
****Common Room  
****11:30 PM**

I don't know if you realize how much I absolutely HATE detention, but I'm about to tell you now.

Hem Hem. Cough. Hem.

I HATE IT FROM THE DEPTHS OF MY VERY SOUL!

GAH! I HATE having to go onto freaking ladders, I hate having to see Professor McGonagall's look of, "Pippa, I had such high _hopes_ for you, gel", and I HATE SIRIUS BLACK. HATE HIM.

And it's not just because he makes raunchy comments about the proportions of my body. And how, er… certain… _assets _of mine, uh… stick out a lot.

…

No, I hate him because he tripped me today when I was walking past him and said, _very_… Sirius…like, "Oh, _terribly_ sorry, Cupcake. _Complete_ accident. Mustn't have been looking where I was walking. I'm dreadfully clumsily don't you know." And then he started to… Oh, Merlin, this is embarrassing… HE STARTED TO BRUSH ME OFF! With his hands! On my.. er, bum!

….!

How many times is he going to touch me in private places! And look at me in private places! And _talk_ about my private places!

Even Lucius doesn't get to do that!

Not that he'd, uh, want to.

'Cause he's not a smarmy butt…face like Sirius Black. He's a gentleman, unlike Sir I-Think-I'm-So-Amazing! And he's blond! Which really has _nothing_ to do with anything, aside from the fact that everyone knows that blonds don't do anything weird or horrible. Unlike Black, who's hair is, in fact, black.

…

Bastard.

…

But anywubbly, perhaps the most interesting part of that whole... brushing… experience was that he leaned in close enough for me to smell his.. er, man… scent and he whispered into my ear, "I need to talk to you later. It's very important. It involves Sevvy-poo."

And then McGonagall yelled for us to separate and we did.

But I'm still really confused. What does he want to talk to me about? Especially since it involves Snape? I've been thinking about this for…forever it seems, and it's still bugging me.

…

Not that I've been thinking about Sirius.

…

UGH.

**11:31 PM**

But really… what does he want to talk to me about? Especially when it involves that greasy-haired, smelly, self-important, egotistical, butt worrying about, annoying, cliché Slytheriny, creepy, scary, GAH!

**11:36 PM**

Sorry, got a little carried away there. But seriously…

What does he want?

* * *

**October 28  
****Great Hall  
****1:25 PM**

Ok, if my stupid worrying wasn't enough, the food is utter crap.

Is _everyone_ out to get me?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**1:27 PM**

For future reference, it is not good to scream in the middle of the Great Hall during lunch, especially not when the only reason you're screaming is because an owl landed on the table in front of you. Because you get A LOT of funny looks. And the occasional snigger from stupid people. (Rowania Foxkithia being one of those people. Evil witch.)

Not that I did that.

…

Oh, who am I kidding? Of COURSE I yelled. It's _me_ after all. Anyhoobles, I think I should read this letter because the owl is pecking at my fingers as I write this and it HURTS.

**1:31 PM**

Merlin's Beard.

….

Sirius Black just sent me a letter.

…

He has very manly handwriting.

Not that it matters.

…

Anyway, this is what is says:

_**Met me in the Owlry today after detention. We need to talk.**_

_**And don't worry Cupcake, I won't compromise you.**_

_**Much.**_

_**Hugs Hugs, Kiss Kiss**_

_**Sirius **_

….

Is now the time to freak out?

It is? Good.

**1:35 PM**

Yea, it's still not a good idea to freak out in the Great Hall.

I should really listen to my own advice.

**Charms Classroom  
****Too... blah to look at the clock.**

Ok, so I still have this dilemma thing going on right now. I mean, should I go to the Owlry or should I _not_ go? If I go, what's the worst that could happen? I mean, besides getting pounced on by a very, er, amorous boy? He said he wouldn't compromise me _much_. What does that _mean_, exactly? Was he trying to be funny or… or, what? Or does that mean that he's going to just start grinding against me?

…

Ok, a) that was a _very_ weird sentence, coming from me, and b) I don't want to think about that. That just makes me feel… funny.

…

And not hot and bothered.

…

I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT THE KAMA SUTRA!

…

Right, well... where was I? Oh, yes, freaking out.

And what exactly did that whole "hug hug kiss kiss" thing mean? Was he trying to convey that he's going to start snacking on me as soon as I get in there or what?

And what do we need to talk about? Aside from him _always_ getting me into trouble, and him always saying inappropriate things to me, and him always making fun of me, and him always _touching_ me, and… well, basically just _him_.

So I guess we do have a lot to talk about.

…

But we have to talk about _him_, and I just bet he'd _love_ that.

…

That's it, I am NOT talking to him.

Even though he said he needs to talk to me and my parents always told me that if someone was ever in trouble and they asked me for help that I should help them.

But I bet they weren't thinking of the Black clan when they said this. Because if they knew, then they would probably say something like, "AHHH! NO! Don't do it, Pippa dear! You're die! OR MUCH WORSE!"

Only they wouldn't, you know, say something so stupid as that.

…

Ok, so I think we've all agreed that I'm not going to go to the Owlry. Thanks! You've been such a help!

**Library  
****8:30 PM**

He's staring at me all… fixatedly.

…

…

…

**8:35 PM**

STOP IT!

Don't make me hex you!

…

You know, that would probably be taking a lot more seriously if I said it out loud.

But I'm not talking to him. Not out loud, and _especially _not out loud and in the middle of the Owlry.

Because I'm smarter than that.

…

Yea!

* * *

**October 29  
****Common Room  
****1:12 AM**

Ok, so I went.

…

Shut up.

…

Do you want me to tell you or not? You do? Ok, then wipe that smarmy, "HaHA! I _knew_ you'd go, you weak minded fool! BUWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" look off your face, otherwise I'm going to kick you in the… uh... throat! Yea, I'll kick you in the throat!

…

Oh dear, that is pretty violent isn't it?

Fine, I'll look at your throat all menacingly! Hahaha!

Only… that seems a bit vampiristic… if that's even a word. Which I don't think it is but I'm too lazy to go and cross it out.

…

Right, well, enough of my laziness. I'm tired but I'm going to tell you what happened anyway before I go to bed and forget all about it.

'Cause that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Forget about this.

Because talking about Snape's behind and being seduced are easy to forget about.

…

One can dream/hope.

Anyways, this is what happened. After that last entry I did my detention like the dutiful little Ravenclaw that I am. And I studiously ignored Sirius Black who kept trying to get my attention from all the way across the library. And I ignored Professor McGonagall's looks of, "I see you two flirting! ROAR!". To which I say, "EWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEW!"

…

Not that that last bit really happened. But if I did that is _totally_ what I'd to.

But anyway. I ignored him and was amazing and cool and totally distanced and then…

Detention ended.

And I was walking out of the library, totally intending to go to the Common Room and bypass Sirius Black and his intentions of talking to me in the Owlry.

Sirius Black, on the other hand, had other ideas.

Because when I walked past him, he stuck out his foot and _tripped_ me.

_Again_.

And I fell on my ass.

_Again._

And he picked me up and said, in a loud, clear voice, "Oh,_ so _sorry Pippa. Did you hurt your shapely little ankle? You did? Oh, well, allow me to escort you to the Nurse's office." And then he called over his shoulder, "Minnie, dear, Pippa has hurt her ankle and I simply _must_ take her to Pompfrey since it was all my fault."

And then he started leading me away from the library.

But McGonagall, smart cookie that she is, noticed and started saying fiercely, "Mister Black, get back here this instant! _I_ will take Miss Rightwing to the infirmary! Mister Black-!"

She was, however, cut off by James Potter running into the library and shouting, "Professor! Professor! Peter's stuck his head in the railings of the Girls' Dormitory stairs!"

"Again!" She shouted and started hurrying down the corridor. And then she called behind her. "Don't move, Mister Black! I'll be back in a few moments." And then a bit more fiercely. "And five points from Gryffindor for calling me Minnie!" And then they were gone.

And I was alone with Sirius Black. In his arms, because that's where the stupid prat put me once he picked me up off of the floor. And he was smiling down at me with his stupid gray eyes that aren't in any way attractive.

"So, it's just you and me at last, isn't it Cupcake?" And then he started walking. With me in his arms. Up to the Owlry. Which was the _last_ place I wanted to be.

So I did what any self-respecting (or maybe self-conscious) girl in my position would do. I started freaking out.

"Ahh! Put me _down_. You can't do this! I am _not_ going with you up there. I don't _want_ to go with you up there. _PUT ME DOWN! _Otherwise I'll… I'll… squish you!"

Then the stupid boy _laughed_, like, "Ha! You couldn't squish me, not even if you _tried_. I'm much bigger and stronger and manlier than you!" And he just continued carrying me upstairs.

And me being, well, me I started freaking out even more. Because… well, wasn't this a bit like a husband carrying his wife up to their room where he ravishes her and launches upon her and has his way with her.

…

Not that I was thinking about being married to him and him having his way with me. Because I am in a very committed relationship. With Lucius Malfoy, and_ not_ Sirius Black. And I'm happy with Lucius. I really am. It's just sometimes he treats me like I'm not really there, and other times he seems like he's putting on this big show. And other times it seems like… well, no matter. Now is not the time for that. Now is the time to tell you about my night.

Right, well, he carried me up the stairs, while I complained like good little girls are supposed to. And he just… continued onwards.

Finally, after what seemed like _forever_ we got to the Owlry. He opened the door instead of kicking it like I half expected him to. But he didn't set me down. In fact, he tightened his hold on me.

It was quiet for a few moments as we just looked at each other, me with a look that clearly said, "AHH! PUT ME DOWN!" while his was unreadable. Then again, it could have been a look of, "Rahh! I'm going to seduce you and make you my love slave!" but it was very dark in there and I couldn't really see anything.

Then the quietness was broken by him going, "You know, you could do _so_ much better than that dumbass Malfoy." I looked up at him with an offended look on my face (I mean, come _on_, that's my boyfriend he's slandering!) but he foraged on.  
I mean, you're attractive and smart and you sure as Hell make _me_ laugh. So why are you with him?"

That look of confusion on your face? Yea, I had the same one going on after he said that. I mean, how completely _random _is that! So I said, "_That_ is what you wanted me up here for? So that we could talk about my dating habits!"

I think it's pretty safe to say that his face became even more unreadable after that. There was an awkward silence between us (though really, aren't all of our silences awkward?) before he carefully set me down. He then took a few steps back before saying, "No, I actually wanted to talk to you about Snape. I do believe I told you that already."

Well, yea, he did. But he shouldn't have sprung that whole thing on me. I mean... _seriously. _"Well yea," I said, squinting to try and see him, "but what does he have to do with anything? I mean, aside from being an _extremely_ creepy individual?"

I think he gave me a look of, "What the hell? Are you daft, woman?" before saying, "Well, considering what he did to you a few days ago, I should think he has a lot to do with things. And in order to get back at him, I think you need my help."

Looking back, the right emotion to feel probably should have been angry and his arrogance, but mostly I just felt confused. "Get back at him? What?"

He sighed a patronizing little sigh. "Yes, get back at him. For hurting you." He paused, as if something just occurred to him. "You _do_ want revenge, don't you?"

This, is where I faltered. I mean, me? Revenge? The two things are _not_ synonymous. But instead of saying this, I said, "Well… you kind of beat him to a pulp. Isn't that enough?"

Again with the patronizing sigh. "No, not really. That'll on subdue him for a few days. As we speak, I'm sure he's thinking of another way to hurt you."

Well, wasn't that a friendly thing to say? A nice, welcoming, warm, _joyous_ thing to say. Which wasn't at _all_ true. Well, you know, despite the evil looks he's been shooting me lately. The ones that are more evil than usual. The ones that kind of creep me out every time I get a look at him.

You know, _those_ looks.

But, you know, those aren't scary. Not really. I'm not worried at all. Not at all.

…

"So what would you have me do?"

I saw a flash of teeth, probably meaning he smiled. Which probably meant that he was smiling 'cause he thinks he's this all-knowing genius. … Bastard. "I think what we need to do is find his weakness. And once we do that, we just need to use that to our advantage."

And suddenly something Lea said came back to me. "_And he's always staring at his butt! Blah Blah Blah…"_

And, yea, so I basically yelled out, "His butt!"

And this very weird noise came out of Black's mouth. "His… his _what_!" He asked, incredulous.

"His butt! He's very self-conscious about his butt! Or so I've been led to believe. But it's come from a very reliable source and-"

I was cut off by his uproarious laughter. Seriously. He was laughing so hard I thought he was going to explode. And the sound kept carrying and carrying and the owls were going basically spastic and I thought I had somehow caused the end of the world. But then Black crawled up from the floor (he apparently fell there when he was laughing) and said, "Ok, that is –snort- amazing. I think I know exactly what to do and- why are you laughing?"

Yes, it was my turn to laugh. Because I don't know if you know this but… well, Sirius Black snorts. Seriously… when he's amused he kind of just… lets them rip. And I've always been the type of person who found snorting amusing. So amusing, in fact, that when I hear one, I start laughing my ass off.

And that's exactly what I was doing. Laughing and laughing and laughing and… well, then I snorted. Loudly. And then Sirius heard it and he started laughing and snorting and pretty soon we were just… laughing and snorting. And soon enough we were both on the floor rolling around, holding out stomachs and busting a gut.

After rolling around in owl excrement for, oh, fifteen THOUSAND YEARS I realized where I was and who I was with and started freaking out again because, a) I have a boyfriend and b) Sirius Black is a pervert who wants Merlin only knows what from me. So I stood up from the ground and said, "Well it's been, uh, grand," and rushed out of there as fast as I could to here. And… here I am, writing to you with a crick in my neck and wishing I could go to sleep. So, yea… well, I'm going to go to sleep. And stop thinking that I somehow betrayed Lucius by telling Black about Snape's little… thing.

But, that has nothing to do with Lucius. So… I have nothing to worry about, right?

Right? Right?

Oh, bollocks, I'll figure it out later.

**

* * *

Disclaimer: Still not J.K Rowling. Unfortunately.**

**Author's Note:** Well, it's been a while, eh? I suppose I could say that I haven't written in a while because I've been busy, which is true, but… well, I haven't been THAT busy. And I could say that I've been in a writer's rut, but that's not true either. I've been thinking about this forever and ever and... well, you get the idea.

But anyway. Thanks for all the splendid reviews, and the nice comments about how much you like Pippa. Because… well, I like Pippa too, dammit, and it's nice to know she's being appreciated.

But enough about... Sorry about keeping you waiting, but I hope you like this chapter. I wrote it in about, oh, two hours whilst watching Bridget Jones' Diary and listening to Coheed and Cambria. And there's Sirius! So… whee! Sirius! I…think.

I'll keep updating and you'll (hopefully) keep reading. And fantasizing about Sirius.

**-Melissa**


	9. I am NOT in a Relationship Anymore!

**October 29**

**Common Room  
****8:40 AM**

I just had a very weird dream. In it, I was in the Great Hall and Snape was de-pants and was wearing nothing but his underwear and yelling at Sirius, who was doing nothing but laughing and falling all over himself and his friends. And then when they saw me Snape started yelling and saying that it was all my fault that he was like this, and then Black was laughing and saying that I was amazing and thank you very much and he kept on laughing and laughing and laughing until finally, FINALLY he snorted.

And then I woke up.

…

I am one seriously skewed individual.

Or should that be Siriusly since he's always the one that gets me into all of these messes?

You know, I think that's it.

I am one Siriusly skewed individual.

**8:51 AM**

OK, so that last entry was slightly weird, but honestly, it's true. And I am nothing if not honest.

…

I think.

GRAH!

**Great Hall  
9:12 AM**

OK, so when I went into the Great Hall nothing too crazy was going on. No de-pants Snape (Thank MERLIN!), no laughing Black (though, actually, that is a crazy thing, now that I think of it.) Honestly, the only crazy thing going on is that the House Elves actually decided that blood pudding for breakfast would be a _good_ idea.

…

Really, my imagination needs therapy.

**9:46 AM**

I spoke too soon.

Things did _indeed_ get crazy, most notably when Snape started yelling at this seventh year named Narcissa, saying things like, "Stop looking at my buns, you dirty wench!" and "Do not make despairing comments about the size of my anus, you fat COW!"

Of course, I was confused. I mean, not only is a) Narcissa NOT a fat cow, but b) Snape generally doesn't say _anything_ at all, let alone yell out insults to his fellow Syltherins. (I say Slytherins, 'cause he has been known to, on occasion, yell out rude comments to Black and Co.)

But anywubbly. After the whole Snape going crazy bit (though, really, he's already _been_ sailing the S.S.R Crazy) the whole of Gryffindor table started laughing uproariously. Then McGonagall went over to Sirius and his Annoying Tag-Alongs and berated them for a moment before dragging them all off by the ears. (Don't ask how she dragged them _all_ off by the ears, 'cause there are four of them, because honestly, I don't know. Magic is mysterious.) But just as they were about to exit the Hall, Black yelled, loud enough to be heard across the entire _school_, "You're welcome, Princess!"

…

That thing that you just thought? Yea, I thought that too.

…

Probably. Unless you thought something disgusting or abominable, in which case, I did _not_ think that, and you a sick and twisted freak.

So there.

…

It was quiet after they left, and the only thing we could hear was Snape yelling about how his butt was not the size of the entire Great Hall, Goyle's stomach, or the entire solar system. Then the talking started all over, the most noteworthy thing being, "Who in Merlin's Beard is _Princess_?"

And yea, I will _not _be telling them it's me. 'Cause I don't have a death wish.

**Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom  
****12:01 PM**

So Snape isn't here, but Lucius is, and he won't stop talking about the whole prank, and how Black is a blood-traitor, and he needs to stop doing such slanderous things to his betters and how as soon as he finds out who "Princess" is he's going to castrate them and show them what happens to annoying little children.

…

Yea, I know what you're thinking. "_Pippa, you _have_ to tell him_,"_ "Pippa, he's your boyfriend. You're supposed to be honest_," and, "_C'mon, Pippa, stop being a litte girl and tell him. TELL HIM. **TELL HIM!**_**"**

But I just _can't_. 'Cause I don't want to be castrated, whatever that means. Especially since Lucius was going into detail and saying that he was going to do it with a rusty pike and let them wallow in pain for a while before finally finally "putting them out of their misery".

…

And I know that he'd probably go easier on me when he finds out that it was all just a big misunderstanding, and that I hadn't even wanted to go up to the Owrly in the first place and that Black carried me up there against my will and that I was really, really, really, REALLY sorry. But I still don't want to be skewerd on a rusty pike. ('Cause I'm pretty sure that that's what castration is. Almost positive. Ugh, why can't I be more bloodthirsty!)

Sigh. Maybe I should just live in the Forbidden Forest and let the wild animals have their way with me. I know it would certainly make my life easier.

**12:05 PM**

Very odd image of my being killed by a raging unicorn.

On second thought, maybe I should just live here and not tell Lucius and hope to Merlin that Black doesn't tell anyone who Princess is so I don't have to be gorged by a unicorn.

…

I need to just be locked up in a cage and never be let out again.

**Great Hall  
1:32 PM**

Ugh! DO PEOPLE HONESTLY NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS!

IT'S REALLY NOT ALL THAT INTERESTING, PEOPLE! SO WHAT IF SEVERUS SNAPE IS SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT HIS ASS! YOU KNOW YOU ARE TOO!

…

Unless you aren't, in which case, a) what the heck is wrong with you and b) why am I the only one who's self-conscious about their ass!

…

Oh, yes, Black.

…

Grrrrrrrrr.

**Potions Classroom  
****2:12 PM**

Lea needs to stop talking about this whole thing before I choke/strangle/doallsortsofSlytherinlythingstoher. There, I said it, now what?

"Seriously Pippa, you have no _idea_ what kind of a blow this is to the entire Slytherin community. Now everyone knows about Snape's little quirk, and it's certainly just a matter of time before everyone finds out that Lucius isn't a true silvery-blond. He's more like a dirty blond, like you. Oh, Pippa, don't give me that look. You must have noticed that his upstairs curtain didn't match is upstairs curtains, if you know what I mean. You _don't_ know what I mean? Oh, I was just saying that his hair on his head didn't match the hair on his _other head_. Oh, Pippa, you're so dense. Oh, that's not why you're making those sputtering noises? You're worried about how I saw his _downstairs curtains_. Don't worry. We just had too much butterbeer one night and ended up having a little fun… This was before your time, honey. I must have been in my third year… Pippa! Pippa _calm down!_ Breathe Pippa, _breathe!"_

Sob. This day has been full of unwanted-ness.

Especially since my best friend has done more with my boyfriend than I have. And three years ago, nonetheless.

Sob.

**Common Room  
****11:04 PM**

Detention… ugh. Was even more awkward 'cause Black kept smiling at me and winking at me and just generally reminding me of my life and UGH!

The only thing I want to do right now is sleep.

So that's what I'm going to do. Sleep.

* * *

**October 30**

**Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom  
****11:59 AM**

No Snape today. But still the angry ramblings of my boyfriend.

Can't we all just get over it? It was a mistake on my part. Do I need to be punished for something I'm sorry about!

MERLIN!

**Great Hall  
4:52 PM**

Can people just SHUT UP! UGH!

**Library  
8:36 PM**

Kill me, please.

Take me out of my misery.

NO! NOT YOU SIRIUS BLACK! YOU STOP STARING AT ME ALL SMILEY-LIKE! I WILL CASTRATE YOU!

…

Even though I don't know what that means, really…

Ugh.

* * *

**October 31**

**Common Room  
8:50 AM**

Today is Halloween.

Goodie.

**Great Hall  
9:12 AM**

Today really is the only day that the House Elves know how to make good food. Honestly, it's true. Instead of Blood Pudding (Seriously, who's stupid enough to DO that?) or dry bacon or runny eggs, we have all sorts of fattening food and pastries that will probably disagree with all of us the entire day and make us extremely hyper because of the sugar intake, but it so worth it.

I can feel my entire mood lifting.

:-)

**Transfiguration Classroom  
10:23 AM**

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I've had twelve chocolate frogs, eight sugar quills, two pumpkin pastries, and two boxes of Berty Bott's Every Flavor Beans. (I hate finding the vomit flavored ones. Blech.)

I'm happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

**Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom  
11:52 AM**

Lucius is just smiling at me as I fidget and wiggle and be my hyper little self.

The world is a good place.

**Potions Classroom  
****12:12 PM**

Not even Lea can dampen my mood.

"I really hate Halloween. I mean, for about a month afterwards I can never fit properly into my robes, and we don't even get to have a ball or a dance or whatever else they do in those Muggle schools. I heard about them. Everyone goes there and dances and by the end of the night everyone ends up having someone to go out with and make out with. Those are absolutely the _only_ things that the Muggles got right. I mean… why don't we have dances here? They're always a blast. My mom holds balls every Christmas and New Years. They're always the toast of the season. Speaking of which, one year Lucius came and he ended up drinking cooking sherry for a dare! Ooooh boy, it really was something. Speaking of getting drunk off of your buns, Pippa are you tipsy? 'Cause you can't seem to sit still and I'm trying to talk to you and you've been cutting up that same batch of dragon bowels for about ten minutes. Oh, you only had about five million gallons of sugar? Oh, well, that I can understand. This one time at Quidditch Camp I ate an entire bag of flour…"

See, not even _that_ can make me less hyper.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Ew! The stupid dragon bowels just exploded on my hand!

Shudder.

I am significantly less hyper.

….

No matter, I still have a Sugar Quill.

**Charms Classroom  
****3:46 PM**

Heh, I just made Rowania Foxkithia float to the ceiling. Heh.

* * *

**November 1**

**Common Room  
****1:23 AM**

Sirius Black needs to put on a leash! That… that….. DOG!

UGH!

**1:32 AM**

Do you wanna know what has me in such a state? You do? GOOD!

Ok, so, after my Charms class I went down to the Great Hall feeling really good. I mean, I had had about seven thousand pounds of sugar in my system, everyone had seen Rowania's Chudley Cannon's boy's underpants, I didn't have detention, and I knew that there was going to be amazing food at the feast. Overall, I was feeling pretty optimistic.

Oh, how stupid I was.

I sat down at my table and started to eat away at the amazing food that never occurs at Hogwarts, and was feeling pretty good about myself. I mean, I was even throwing sympathetic looks over to Rowania! And then… it all started to suck.

Severus Snape walked into the Great Hall and everyone started to laugh and mock him and make fun of him. And I just shrunk down in my seat, hoping against all hope that he didn't know that it was me who told Black about his little… problem.

And then he started walking over towards me, and I knew that he knew. (And no, it was because he glaring at me and snickering and making me feel really, really, REALLY bad. Though there was a bit of that going on as well.) Then he got to my table and everyone started tittering and making even _worse_ comments and I just sat there looking up at him wondering what he was going to do and whether or not it was going to hurt.

And then he stood right next to me (though, since I sit at the end of the table it's not that hard to) and he swooped down and grabbed my wrist (the bad one, dammit) and then proceeded to drag me down towards the Slytherin table.

He stopped when we reached Lucius, who was looking pretty angry. (At Snape at this point, not me.) "What are you doing, Severus? Let go of her." Another man would have been shaking at Lucius' command, but since it was Snape he just looked him in the eye. But he did drop my wrist.

"You've been wondering who the blasphemous traitor was, Lucius? Well, here she is. She's none other than your little _tart_, Pippa Rightwing!"

It was silent for a moment, what with everyone staring at me. (Including the teachers who were, I might add, not doing _anything_.) There was a heated moment between Lucius and Snape, before Lucius looked at me and said in a very calm voice, "Is this true Pippa? Were you the one that performed the prank?"

I blinked up at him, knowing that he could hurt me more than Snape ever could. … Probably. "W-well, not exactly, no."

Lucius smiled a tight little smile and looked at Snape. "Well, Severus, this really is the last straw. I've had enough of your bad-mouthing of Pippa. It's high time that you-"

And then, of course, Sirius Black just _had_ to come in and be himself. "While she might not have been the one who performed the prank –that would be me, gentlemen- she did give me the information as to what to do." He smiled benignly at Lucius and Snape. "She told me all about your little… Achilles heel, Sevvy-poo." He draped his arm around my shoulders. "The great Severus Snape, self-conscious about his arse. Funny, isn't it?"

Now, throughout his entire little speech, Lucius' normally pale face turned a molten red and he yanked me towards him. "Is this true Pippa?" He started shaking me. "Did you defy me and all of the Slytherins to tell this little _blood-traitor_ to attack Severus? Did you? ANSWER ME!"

I opened my mouth to answer, but I couldn't get anything out. Not only was I scared, but he was also shaking me too hard to answer. But thankfully (note sarcasm) Black answered for me.

"Well, of course she did, Luscious Lady Lucius. But how is she supposed to answer when you're shaking her too hard to say anything?" He pulled me towards him. "Besides," he continued, "you shouldn't shake another man's woman." And then he…

He…

Are you ready for this journal?

HE KISSED ME!

Yea, you heard me right. Sirius Black, the basic bane of my existence, KISSED ME!

IN FRONT OF EVERYONE! IN FRONT MY VERY IRATE BOYFRIEND! IN FRONT OF THE HOGWARTS TEACHERS!

SIRIUS BLACK KISSED ME!

FOR A LONG TIME!

AND WITH TONGUE!

….

And the entire time this is happening, I can here the gasps of surprise going on all around the Great Hall. And I can hear Lucius yelling along with the other Slytherins. And then he finally said, "She who is lecherous in nature will only meet her downfall! Come, Severus!" And then the two of them were gone.

Now, I don't want you to think that I was enjoying this little kiss. I mean, I was struggling and wriggling and basically trying to get away from Black because a) I never thought about him like that. … … and b) because this was entirely awkward and everyone was staring and it made me look like I had been dating him when I had _totally_ been dating Lucius. But my wriggling only seemed to encourage Black even _more_, and he leaned me up against the Slytherin table and started kissing me even more… um… adamantly.

It took me about, oh, seven thousand years to disentangle myself from him, and when I finally did I smacked him across the face. "What in Merlin's Beard was_ that_ about, Black?"

Up until that question he had been smiling at me all goofy, like something amazing had just happened. But after I asked him that his face fell and he looked at me with an expression I couldn't even begin to describe to you. "I was saving you, Pippa."

Understandably, this angered me. "Saving me?" I asked incredulously. "_Saving _me? You call taking my first kiss _saving_ me!"

Ok, I may or may not have shared too much information with him, but that's what I said. And it sort of worked. Sort of. "That was your first kiss?" He looked appropriately chastised. Then his expression changed. "You didn't kiss like that was your first."

I stomped my foot and said something that sounded like, "WHUGNARG!" and walked away and out of the Great Hall. With about a million people's eyes on my back.

…

Yea, it wasn't pleasant.

But no, it didn't stop there. It wouldn't, would it? No, 'cause stupid Sirius Black had to follow me out into the corridor.

"Pippa! Pippa, wait!"

I spun around on him. "What do you _want_, Black? Are you here to apologize?"

He looked confused. "Apologize? No, why would I-"

"If you're not here to apologize, then I'm not interested in what you have to say." I started to walk away, as quickly as I could. All I wanted to was to go to my bed and _sleep_.

He is roughly twice my height, so catching up with me wasn't that hard. "Pippa, c'mon. At least listen to what I have to say-"

I kept on walking. "How did Snape find out about me, anyways? Does he have some amazing magical powers, or was that you too?"

"Well," he said, sounding not the least bit remorseful, "I may have had a hand in that. But before you make that face at me –yes, that one- can you at least listen to what I have to say?"

I stopped, but only because I wanted this entire thing to be done with. "Fine, you have thirty seconds. That's it."

He nodded his head. "Ok, well, I told Sevvy that you told me about the whole him/his butt thing. And after that he kind of took it into his own hands to go psycho on you. So.. I'm sorry, I guess."

That was really very nice –not!- but I still had some questions. "Right, well, that's really very lovely but I that still leaves me with two problems. A) how come Snape wasn't going psychotic on you and b) Why would you tell him in the first place!"

NOW is when he started to get a contrite look on his face. "Well, I may have sent a letter to Snape claiming to be a secret admirer who just so happened to see you and me plotting against him. And er… well, I told him in the first place because…"

I couldn't take his stupidness anymore. "Because _why_ Black, _why_?"

He stared down at my tapping foot before saying in a rush, "I told him because I couldn't stand to see you with that git Luscious and because I knew that you deserved so much better." He looked up at me with beseeching eyes.

But I was having none of it. I mean, the stupid buttface had told my boyfriend that I went against him all because he didn't think I should be with him! UGH! "Excuse me, Black," I said scathingly, "but that wasn't your decision to make. So what if you couldn't stand to see us together? Not everything is about you, you know! Stop walking around like you're this amazing person sent to us from the heavens, because let me tell you something Sirius Black. You're NOT! You're callous and mean, and you're self-centered, and you never _once _think about anyone that isn't yourself. And don't try to go and "fix" anyone else's relationships, especially since you can't even keep one of yours together. And the only thing I want is to be left alone from you. I think I _deserve_ that, especially since you've put me through enough crap this year. So please, just Leave. Me. ALONE!"

After getting all of that off of my chest, I stomped away to the Common Room. I went and fell asleep in my bed upstairs for a few hours, but when the girls realized I was the in there they kicked me out again and now I'm sleeping on the couch.

Again.

My life sucks and I hope Sirius Black gets castrated.

And I actually found out what that means, and I STILL wish it happens to him.

So there.

* * *

**Disclaimer:** J.K Rowling couldn't write something as stupid as this.

**Author's Note:** Well, hiya there, my little followers. … Kinda. I've updated and mucho stuffage has happened in this chapter. Seriously, this chapter has it all. Drama, Romance, Horror (vomit flavored Berty Botts), an explanation about the title… And to think, I packed it all in in only 12 pages. Hooh boy.

But anywubbly, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. It got a little slow in parts, and it wasn't really all that funny, but I've been thinking about this chapter for a while. And this is actually the second time I've written it. (The first time I forgot to save it. Heh). So… I hope you like it.

And yea…. I didn't have anyone beta it, so ignore the things that I got wrong, 'cause I know they're in there.

Oh, and I think I'm going to write the Sirius version of this fic. What do you say to that?

**Melissa**


	10. I am NOT a Fan of Rumors!

**November 1  
****Common Room  
****7:35 AM**

My neck hurts. And my back.

Stupid couch with it's odd bunchy parts and springs that like to dig into my back. Stupid girls that made me sleep on it just because they all seem to think I have something going on with Sirius Black.

_**STUPID SIRIUS BLACK!**_

…

For future reference, kicking the couch out of anger is _not_ a good idea. Especially when still barefoot after sleeping.

…

Owie.

…

Right, well, I'm going to go down to breakfast. Or limp, as the case may be.

And they'd better have something good for breakfast, otherwise I'm gonna kick _them_.

…

Who 'them' is is still undiscovered. But I'll do it. Don't you think I won't.

I'm crazy like that.

**8:13 AM**

If I was hoping that everyone would forget that little incident last night with the whole my breaking up with Lucius thing and the whole being kissed rather senseless…. er, being kissed without my permission by quite the most _awful_ man, then I was sorely mistaken.

As soon as I got into the Great Hall I was accosted by many people glaring at me. All the Slytherins were glaring at me because I had broken up with Lucius –even though I didn't do _anything_- and all the girls were glaring at me 'cause stupid Black had kissed me –even though I _really_ didn't do anything. He's the one who kissed _me_. I did nothing to encourage him- and all of Gryffindor was glaring at me 'cause I had rejected their arsehole of a poster child.

It was so much worse than Snape glaring at me in the beginning of the year, let me tell ya.

And what made it worse was the fact that Black kept looking over at me with his stupid, unattractive, evil, selfish face with an expression that made my brain hurt trying to figure out what it meant. It was some sort of beseeching, angry, self-loathing, and puppy-doggish thing.

And notice what emotion wasn't featured? Yea, that's right, blame, guilt, and responsibility were all missing on his face.

AND HE STILL HAD HIS STUPID SMIRK!

That stupid _arsehole. _Honestly, if I wasn't such a good person, I'd have him strung up from the ceiling by that hair that he's always making sure is perfect saying the alphabet over and over and over again until he forgot the order.

…

And if that wasn't bad enough, as I was trying to eat the runny poached eggs –Ok, how does that happen? _Runny_ poached eggs? Are the house elves all in love with Sirius Black and out to get me too?- I heared Rowania Foxkithia talking with her cronies about how she once walked in on me and Sirius in the broom closet on the fourth floor, "going at it".

Going at _what_, is what I'm still trying to figure out. Although, after last night, I think it might be "going after each others' tongues."

WHICH WASN'T FUN!

It's totally scarred me for life, and I wouldn't be surprised if I am no longer able to completely function in life. I mean, I may never be able to date anyone ever again 'cause I'll always have the fear –yes, _fear_- that Sirius Black will come and muck it up by kissing me. And then all my boyfriends will leave me for Rowania Foxkithia and I'll die an old and lonely spinster living in the Forbidden Forest with thousands of unicorns at my beck and call.

…

That's it. I've fully gone over the deep end.

…

It's times like this that I really wish I had a more extensive four-letter vocabulary.

…

Is self-pity counted as having only four letters, or is that two sets of four, or eight letters and a hyphen? 'Cause if it's four letters, I'm already reaching my goal.

…

I really do hate myself.

Though I hate Sirius Black more!

…

Where was I? Oh, yes, the disgusting rumor that Rowania has been sending out. Well, after I heard that, I threw the poached egg at her head and walked out of the Great Hall.

…

Not necessarily the most _mature_ thing to have done in the situation, but it sure made me feel better to hear her shrieking. And the splat the runny devil made when it hit the ground was rather satisfying as well.

And after that I decided to come up here and play hooky for the rest of the day. Not very Ravenclawy of me, I admit, but then again, when have I ever lived up to the Ravenclaw way of life?

Never! And that's why I feel justified in just lying about in my pajamas staring into the fire –do they keep those things running 24/7? That can't be very cost-efficient- bemoaning my life.

And really, who can blame me?

**Nurse's Office  
7:15 PM**

Everyone was looking at me funny when they came back to class, so I decided to go to the Nurse's office. I've claimed that I've had a horrible headache, and even though Madame Pompfrey would normally just give me a headache cure and send me on my way, she's letting me sleep in here.

…

How sweet is that? It's nice to know that some people still care in this world.

…

Though, in retrospect, it could really just be to spite Sirius Black. I heard that the two of them don't really like each other, as BastardPants is always sending people to Pompfrey to be mended, and Pompfrey always has to do the mending.

And if she's only being nice because she hates Sirius Black, well, then, who am I to stop her? Nobody, that's who!

And honestly, it only makes her go higher up in my esteem.

Though if she would give me some sleeping draught and possible rub my feet, that would make her go up even higher. However, I think that might be pushing the boundaries of the nurse-patient thing. I wouldn't want her to get sued. 'Specially since she's been so cool and all.

…

Have just realized I'm rambling.

Maybe I should go to sleep? Who knows when I'll next be able to sleep on an actual _bed_?

* * *

**November 2  
****Nurse's Office  
****8:03 AM**

Have decided to ditch again today. Can't face seeing my peers, and all that rot.

More like I don't want to see smarmy Sirius Black's face have that expression that I don't know what it means 'cause I'm too naïve or just too stupid to decipher it, even though I'm in Ravenclaw and I'm SUPPOSED to be smart and observant even though I think we've successfully unlinked those qualities to my character all because I don't know what in Merlin's Beard Sirius Black's face means and I'd really like to know 'cause I think it would make my life a whole lot _easier_ and really, where does he get off telling me that he didn't like seeing me and Lucius together when that was between me and him and NONE OF HIS BUISNESS.

…

…

Went a little overboard there.

Won't happen again.

…

Sirius Black is a smarmy arse and if I knew any hexes or curses that he didn't know the counter curse to he'd be done in so fast, don't think he wouldn't.

…

Smarmy Arse.

**10:26 AM**

OK, I know I said that I was going to ditch and just lay around and do nothing and think of absolutely nothing in order to wash my sorrow away –though I don't think I said those _exact _words- but really, the nurse's office is BORING! I don't know how Madame Pompfrey does it everyday. Merlin knows I would have Avada'd myself by now if I was a nurse. Or a teacher, for that matter.

…

I just had to wipe Teacher off of my prospective list of careers. Though really, I think that's wise. Who would trust _me_ around kids, telling them what to do, how to live their lives? I can't even do that with _myself_.

Ugh. My life sucks.

**11:00 AM**

La La La La LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

I feel compelled to make noises as it is FAR TOO QUIET IN HERE!

You know when the silence is so strong that it's almost deafening? Yea, that's what going on in here, and it's DRIVING ME BATTY!

**11:23 AM**

Have resorted to making odd mewling noises every once in while to keep sane.

And really, I think it's working. I haven't thought about killing Sirius Black or kissing Sirius Black for four minutes. I think I'm making progress.

…

…

DAMN!

Just thought about the kissing.

…

I hate myself.

**12:46 PM**

Spit bubbles are fun.

**12:53 PM**

Especially if you levitate them and make them go over by the window. Light flashes through them and you can see _rainbows_.

And the rainbows are _preeeeeeeeeeeetty_.

**1:01 PM**

That's it, Sirius Black has officially killed all brain cells that were once floating around my head. And all because of a kiss that WASN'T EVEN THAT GOOD TO BEGIN WITH!

…

Not that I've had a lot to compare it to. You know, besides my arm and the back of my hand I haven't had anyone else to practice my wiles on.

Though it must be said, those two never seemed to mind very much.

And nether did Sirius. In fact, if I remember correctly, he had a smile on his face afterwards. And I've heard it's hard to make the notorious Black pleased.

…

That's it. I'm officially hitting myself in the head with a bed pan.

**1:02 PM**

An _unused_ bed pan, to be precise.

**1:04 PM**

Not that I would actually do it.

Hit myself in the head with a bed pan, I mean. I may be crazy, but I'm not _that_ crazy.

**1:05 PM**

Plus, I couldn't find one.

Those buggers are _tricky_, let me tell ya.

**1:59 PM**

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

…

I dunno.

**2:07 PM**

OK, I can't take it anymore. I need to leave. I need to _fly_. I need to be _free!_

…

That's it, I'm rebelling against the silence.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

…

Doodle.

…

The whole rebelling thing would have been more effective if I had actually _yelled_.

…

Whatever.

**Common Room  
3:23 PM**

Yea, so I came back.

Not because I couldn't face the students –because I think I can. After feeling as if I was in a time-out that lasted forever, I think I can manage- but because I smelled like the inside of Sirius Black's ego.

…

And yes, that is a bad smell.

How wrong of you to think otherwise.

**8:23 PM**

Since I was sick today… it stands to reason that I don't have to go to Detention. Which means I don't have to stack books on tall ladders while Sirius Black gives me that weird expression so many times that it will be PERMANENTLY ENBLAMED IN MY MIND!

…

Emblamed isn't a word, is it?

Hmm, no matter. It's not like anyone is going to read this thing, anyway.

**8:26 PM**

People are staring at me again.

And frankly, I don't like it.

**8:34 PM**

But I'm not going to go back to the nurse's office. 'Cause I just got rid of that form of torture, thank you very much, and I don't much relish going back to it.

Besides. I'm stronger than that.

**9:00 PM**

That's it. I'm going to go sleep in the bathroom.

* * *

**November 3  
****Common Room  
****7:16 AM**

Ok…. so I didn't go and sleep in the bathroom. After I wrote that, everyone seemed to get up and leave the room, so I stayed and slept.

…

It seemed a fair trade, really.

…

And when I woke up, I _didn't _have any ink marks over my face, which means today is going to be a good day.

I can _feel_ it.

**Great Hall  
****8:12 AM**

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times.

I AM TOO OPTIMISTIC BY HALF!

UGH!

…

And what's even worse, I think I got that phrase wrong.

Dammit.

**History of Magic Classroom  
****9:23 AM**

So let me tell you the rumors I've heard from the Great Hall to here.

Sirius Black and I have been secretly dating since our fourth year.

Sirius Black and I are having a love child, and we were trying to pass it off as Lucius' so we could ruin _him_¸ all the while saving ourselves.

Sirius Black and Lucius got into a heated debate over me, where they both took turns having "their way" with me before I had to pick which one I wanted to be with forever.

I played an interesting game with them called "Dice" where I had to roll the dice and whatever number came up I had to… er… pleasure them both that many times.

I am only with Sirius Black to get to his brother, Regulus.

I am only with Sirius Black to get to his family connections, even though mine are as, if not more, stellar than his.

Sirius Black and I have been promised to each other since birth, and we've both always hated Lucius, so we decided to worm me into his heart before breaking it.

I am secretly a reporter for the _Daily Prophet_, writing a piece to see it's like to be a teenager living the lie of dating two people at once.

I wanted all the glory of being the one person to break up Slytherin house. And I'm a little tart who will have sex with anything with legs, Hippogriffs included.

Now, how many of these rumors are true? NONE!

How many people do I want to beat with a fake leg for saying these slanderous lies? EVERYONE!

Who feels really small and hurt inside?

…

Me.

**Transfiguration Classroom  
****12:01 PM**

I am seriously going to beat someone. I have a heard a new rumor that makes me feel especially bad, because I think it might be true.

Black was only paying attention to me because he knew how Lucius felt about me and wanted to get back at him, and the quickest way to do that was to mess around with me.

…

…

…

That's it. I'm killing someone.

**Dumbledore's Office  
****12:54 PM**

Ok, yelling in the middle of the corridor that you hate Sirius Black and none of the rumors are true and everyone needs to be hexed into next week if they believe any of them? Yea, not the _smartest_ thing to do.

Especially when there are teachers around.

…

Especially when there are teachers around who really, really, REALLY hate you.

…

Namely Slughorn.

…

Because then you get a detention for, "Disturbing the peace within these hallowed halls," and are sent to the headmaster's office.

And when you have a slight problem concerning authority figures –namely, being deathly afraid of them- this is doubly bad.

…

Oh Merlin, I hear the door opening. Must hide you…

**Some Random Classroom**  
**1:13 PM**

I'm in detention.

…

Before this year, I had a great school record. You know, minus the whole fifty points being lost and the near death of the Quidditch Star and the burning of the whole fifth year's notes.

…

But other than that, I had a great reputation.

…

Eh, the door is opening. Must be Slughorn, coming to dish out my punishment.

…

OH DEAR MERLIN.

**Common Room  
****7:16 PM**

OK, that person that I thought was Slughorn? Yea, it most DEFINITELY WAS NOT SLUGHORN.

IT WAS SIRIUS BLACK.

WITH ALL OF HIS CRONIES!

AKJHDFAJKDHFAJKDHFALDJFHAJLKDHFALJDFHALJDFHAJDF!

…

So, I was sitting at the desk in the front of the classroom, writing, and as soon as I heard the door open I stared at them with a look on my face that was probably _most_ unattractive. It was silent for a few moments before I heard Remus Lupin say quietly, "Hullo Pippa."

…

Now, let me tell you something about Remus Lupin. If you recall, in my first entry I was talking about not wanting to go to school as it would surely be bad for me –I was a smart cookie, even then- and the only reason I decided to go was because of a certain seventh year Gryffindor that should have been placed in Ravenclaw.

Um, yea, Remus Lupin is that guy.

…

Now, just because I once had a crush on the guy –I think I can safely say that that little thing is done and over with. Another thing that Sirius Black has ruined. … Not that he's ruined it because I love him and want to have babies with him. He's ruined it because he's friends with him and he's tainted him just like he's tainted me. … Hmm, morbid- doesn't mean I wanted to see him. 'Specially when I was busy trying to not kill the guy next to him.

…

So yea. They walked in and Remus said hi, and I said "Hi back" and decided to start leafing through my little journal here. (My stupidity is something we're going to have to talk about later). And then they sat down, all of them in the back of the room, and we ignored each other.

…

And then the whispering started happening.

"Padfoot, just go up and talk to her."

"Sirius, you need to stop looking over at her. You're going to scare her."

"Sirius, I sat on my hand and now it hurts really badly."

And my _favorite_: "Padfoot, I don't know what you see in her. She's a little… well, frumpy-chub. Heh, frumpy-chub. That means she's frumpy _and _chubby."

…

Yea, that made me feel _very_ good.

Although, hearing James Potter get smacked on the head was certainly satisfying.

…

Yes, I'm blood-thirsty.

…

Anyway, after the smack I heard rustling and pretty soon I smelt a familiar scent -… wait, I know his _scent_ now? Oh, Merlin- and looked up and there in front of me stood… Dun Dun Dun… SIRIUS BLACK!

YAY!

Not.

He just stood there, staring down at me for what seemed like forever as I leafed through this here little journal. And something occurred to me as I looked through this. In almost every single update there is some mention of Sirius Black.

…

Honestly. EVERY SINGLE ONE!

UGH!

And with me looking at his name over and over and him standing there, engulfing me in his scent, standing _really really_ close, I got angry all over again. So angry I was almost shaking with it.

…

And I don't _get_ angry. I'm shy and meek, remember?

And with my shaking, and the fact that my hair was covering my face, the stupid dumbarse Black seemed to think I was _crying_. Honestly. _CRYING_.

"C'mon Princess. Don't cry."

…

Seriously. _That's_ what he said. "Don't cry". As if I would cry over that… that…. _Libertine_

Hearing the bastard telling me what to do _again_, I stood up calmly –or… as calmly as I could manage. The word should probably _regally_. Yea, I like that. _Regally_- and looked him in the eye and said…

Are you ready for this? It was quite spectacular, let me tell you. I said…

"Don't tell me what to do, Sirius Black. I'm sick and tired of your prancing around like you're the King of the Universe and I'm your little slave that you can boss around. Well, I'm _not_ your slave, Mr. Black, and I'm not going to be treated like one. I'm not going to let you tell me what to do and just go along with it because I'm a good person and I want to believe that everyone is nice on the inside. Well, thanks Sirius Black, because I _can't_ think that everyone is nice when you're around. Because you _aren't_ a nice person. You're selfish and mean and bossy and you think you should get _everything _you want. Do you even _know _what you want? I doubt it." And this is where I snorted. But I foraged onwards. "Grow up, learn what you want, get the poker out of your arse, and maybe _then_ I'll talk to you." My glare, I am proud to say, was magnificent as I finished with, "AND DON'T CALL ME PRINCESS!"

And then I stomped away, my back ram-rod straight as I walked passed Black, his friends, and towards the door.

…

Then my rather amazing exit was cut off as the door opened and Slughorn walked in. Then he started giving out our detentions, which was for us to separate dragon bowels, hearts, brains, and blood into an orderly type of arrangement.

And while I may not have been able to escape the company of The Smarmy Arse, I certainly made him quiet as he cleaned. And the reason I know I made him quiet was 'cause while his friends were all whispering and talking about me –I'm not an idiot. I know they were- he was silent and just did his share.

Then… we all left, me going here, and them going to Gryffindor Tower. And let me tell you, it was really satisfying, seeing him shuffle away all dejected.

So satisfying that not even the fact that I have detention for two weeks during lunch can take this high away.

And trust me, it's _nice_ to feel good for once. I just hope this high lasts forever.

Oh, who am I kidding? I'll be depressed again by tomorrow.

But as for now, I'm feeling pretty good.

* * *

**Disclaimer:** Um… yea, not J.K Rowling.

**Author's Notes:** Well… hiya there, kiddies. How ya doin'? I'm good, I'm good. And so is Pippa, what with the touch love for Sirius all over again. But I'm sure he'll get over it just fine.

And speaking of Sirius… I've posted the first chapter of his journal. Sirius Corruption of the System: A Journal can be found if you click that little button that says "First Of The Geeks" and look for it. It's there, and it's good. So you should... go and read it. ;-)

So, what'd ya think of the chapter? Tell me in a review, and I'll love you forever.

And as for the typos ignore them... I really need a beta. (Hint... Hint... :-P)

**Melissa**


	11. I am NOT Hogwarts Favorite Person!

**November 5  
****Common Room  
****12:35 PM**

I am now Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry's pariah.

Seriously.

_No one_ will talk to me. It seems that not only am I an evildoer for breaking up with Lucius –when, in all actuality, he broke up with _me_- to be with Sirius Black –gags, shudders, and DIES-, I am also clinically insane for yelling in the middle of the hallway.

…

And the worst part is, if I had only done one or the other of these things, I would still have friends. Really. If I had only broken up with Lucius, I would have some lesbianic Gryffindors as friends. (They hate men in general, and hate Slytherins, and love fellow Gryffindors, so I would have been good.) And if I hadn't gone psycho and started yelling in the middle of the corridor, I would be friends with the awkward Hufflepuff loners and non-English speaking Gryffindors.

As it is, I have done both, and even the homosexual, awkward, non-English speaking students will not talk to me.

…

Sigh.

**Slughorn's Storeroom  
****1:21 PM**

So… I've been in detention for three days now, and I must say, it really stinks.

And not just figuratively, but literally, too. Seriously, it smells like the inside of a dragon's den, Severus Snape's hair –bastard started calling me Miss Twit in DADA. Bastard- and quite possibly the fourth floor girl's bathroom (do people honestly forget how to flush, or are they just stupid?).

And if that's not bad enough, I have to do this whole detention thing with the stupid Marauders. (What kind of name IS that? Honestly.)

The only good thing is that Smarmy Arse has been off "sick" for the past couple of days, and hasn't been in here.

Instead, I have to put up with James Potter's glaring, Remus Lupin's slightly pitying looks, and Peter Pettigrew's asinine comments. ("Sometimes when it's dark outside, I can't see," _indeed_.)

…

Though, really, I shouldn't be complaining. It could be _so_ much worse.

* * *

**November 8  
****Outside  
****9:16 AM**

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times.

THE FOOD HERE NEEDS VAST IMPROVEMENT!

Ugh.

…

Shouldn't people cater to the sick and depressed?

…

Almond and sausage pancakes.

Whoever came up with these things need to be Avada'd.

Almond and sausage.

_Honestly_.

**9:18 AM**

You're probably wondering what I'm doing outside. Well, lets just say…

This is where I eat now.

I couldn't take the glares and the looks and remarks and the overall hatred, so this is where I've been eating.

And it works out pretty well, let me tell ya.

It's just… kind of damp down on the ground. Which is, let me tell ya, _most_ uncomfortable.

But, at least I'm not being pelted with blueberry muffings.

* * *

**November 9  
****Common Room  
****5:23 PM**

As if my life didn't hold any meaning before, now it _really_ doesn't.

I just received a letter from my parents. It reads as follows:

_Dearest Pippa, _

_How are you, darling? Father and I just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we haven't had time to respond to your letter. We're both horribly dark from the sun, though I seem to have faired better than your father; it appears as if he got burned on a certain part of his body that makes it vastly uncomfortable for him to wear shirts of any kind. Poor bear, though he'd kill me if he heard that I'd told you. Macho men pride, and all that rot._

_Anyway, dear, about this boy that you're seeing. I think it's lovely that you've finally come out of your shell –I was worried that you would turn out to be a lesbian just like Louisa Uniden, so I really am quite pleased. Not that there's anything wrong with that, dear. If you were a lesbian, I'd support you one thousand percent. It's just that I'm so happy that you aren't. I really _do_ want grandchildren one day- but your father has a different opinion. Oh, he's quite pleased that you've finally stopped mailing everyday that you want to come home and that the house elves are poisoning you, but he also thinks that you shouldn't be dating this Lucius Malfoy. Apparently his family has been under observation for soul trafficking –whatever _that _is. Sometimes I swear that man makes up half the things he does just so he can go out with Uncle Bob for a Butterbeer- and he doesn't think that you should be dating him._

_Mostly I just think he doesn't want his little girl to be all grown up. But I've told him that if you can wear a D-cup bra –have I ever told you how lucky you are? It really is quite a pain being an A- then you can date. What's the point of having them if you're not going to use them? But he just got extremely flustered and went into his study and hasn't come out, so I think that bothered him. Pssh, it's not as if I gave you permission to go out and have sex. I'm just saying, I'm happy that you've finally found someone. _

…

_Though you CANNOT go out and have sex, do you hear me? You must save yourself for marriage. Merlin knows your future husband would rather you be a perfect little flower. Possibly a sunflower… or a daisy! Yes, a daisy is nice and innocent, don't you think? Good, then its settled. You'll stay a perfect little daisy until your wedding night, and your father will stop being such a prig. _

_Right, well, your father is hollering for me to tell you that he hopes you know he expects you to bring this Lucius home for the holidays, so he can inspect him and make sure he's not a very bad word like he thinks he is. _

_Honestly, that man. If I didn't love him so much, I swear I'd think he was too pushy._

_Right, well, I must be going. Aunt Melba is coming over for dinner tonight, and I must go tell the elves what to make. I love you dear, and I'm so proud that you're not a lesbian! _

_Mum (And your father, the lout)_

_P.S. Remember, if you _were_ a lesbian, I wouldn't love you any less._

_But I'm just so happy you're not!_

…

See what I mean? My mother is so very excited that I have a boyfriend, and my father is about ready to have a duel with him all because we're dating. When we're NOT dating anymore.

Ugh.

My life just got significantly worse.

How am I going to pen them and say I'm not dating him anymore?

**5:36 PM**

Wait… DID SHE TALK TO FATHER ABOUT MY BREASTS?

**5:37 PM**

SHE DID! SHE TALKED TO HIM ABOUT MY BREATS!

**5:37 ½ PM**

I will never be able to look at my father ever again.

**5:39 PM**

Just realized what my mum was talking about when she said he couldn't wear shirts anymore.

He burned his _nipples_.

…

Merlin's beard, my mother talked to my father about my mammary glands and to me about his nipples.

…

I did NOT come from her womb.

**Library  
****8:34 PM**

He's here.

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Bastard.

* * *

**November 10  
****Transfiguration Classroom  
****10:02 AM**

Since I've learned I won't get so many hostile looks and remarks made to me if I get to class earlier than everyone else, I've been doing just that: getting to class early. And things have been working out. I mean, I've still been getting catty remarks and an unhealthy dose of glares, but it hasn't been as bad as it _could_ be. Mostly people have been leaving me alone, even the teachers.

…

That is to say, they _were_ leaving me alone. Now it seems as if it's time for Operation Make Pippa un-Sad! Or PMS, for short.

…

Stupid name, yes, but no matter.

…

Anyway, as soon as I walked into the classroom, McGonagall pounced. Not literally, as that would be a big health violation, but figuratively. As soon as I entered she came up to me and said, "You know, Pippa, I've been watching you."

This, under normal circumstances, would lead me to believe that she's been taking a look at my grades and decided what I should do for a living when I get out of here. However, these are _not_ normal circumstances, so I took that to mean, "Pippa, you're very sick and possibly dangerous to the student body. I'd like to lock you up at St. Mungo's and throw away the keys."

But since I couldn't freak out and have her thoughts confirmed, I said, "Um… OK."

This was, apparently, all the support she needed, as she then went into a longwinded speech about how she's worried for me and that she's seen the dive my grades have taken –which they HAVEN'T. I just haven't… done my homework for the past week and a half.- and that she thinks I should talk to Dumbledore.

To which I have to say…

DUMBLEDORE IS NOT A MIRACLE WORKER! He can't make this hurt and pain and sadness go away. The only thing he can do is dish out punishment.

…

Well, he _could_ expel everyone that's been giving me problems, but I don't think that that's what McGonagall had in mind. Though it would have been nice if that _was_ what she meant.

Anyway, I said I'd think about it and then went and sat down. Which is where I'm at now.

Sitting.

In my desk.

In the back of the room.

Alone.

…

Sigh.

I really shouldn't take up angsty poetry writing. I have a feeling I'd be bad that at that as well.

* * *

**November 11  
****Common Room  
****12:45 PM**

I feel like a Grade-A heel.

Why? you might ask. Well, I'll tell you.

…

I am the world's most selfish person.

Again, why? you might ask.

Well, I'll tell ya that too.

…

It has come to my attention that while I've been laying around bemoaning my sorry existence, a dark wizard has risen to power and mass murdered a group of Muggles and two Ministry workers.

One Ministry worker was Mitchell Roeborge and the other was Sierra Kingsolver. They were both Aurors, and they each had children at Hogwarts.

And I just feel so bad because I've been completely self-centered and been worrying about myself and how everyone's been treating me, when there's an evil wizard out there killing people.

How could I possibly just… worry about myself? What kind of a person _does _that?

A horrible one, that's what kind.

…

Excuse me, I must go cry now.

* * *

**November 13  
****History of Magic Classroom  
****11:06 AM**

There have been three more mass murders. All of them involving Muggles and Ministry workers.

…

What has the world come to?

* * *

**November 16  
****Great Hall  
****1:22 PM**

The entire population of Hogwarts has been called down to the Great Hall as Dumbledore wants to talk to all of us about the dark wizard.

So far, we've learned that his name is Voldemort and that he's apparently targeting Ministry workers, Muggles, and Half-bloods. He has a legion of followers called "Death Eaters" that will do anything that he tells them to, and no one knows what his ultimate goal is.

But despite this horrifying news, classes will resume tomorrow and we will carry on as if none of this has happened. The ministry is working very diligently, and everyone seems confident that this will pass over quickly.

But despite Dumbledore's firm belief that this will only be passing, for some reason I don't think so. Maybe it's because I've been thinking glass half-empty these days, or maybe I've just become more jaded and cynical then I seem to think, but for some reason I don't think so.

…

I have a sickening feeling that this is going to go on for a while.

And I couldn't be more afraid.

What if he goes after my father? What if the next people he kills are my family members? What then?

I'll have no one.

…

I need to go for a walk.

**Common Room  
****4:52 PM**

So I went for my walk. It was originally just going to be a short one to clear my head, but pretty soon I found myself walking around the lake three times, and by then I was feeling pretty tired. So I sat down underneath a tree and just looked at the giant squid in the lake for a while.

I was just about to head back up to school –not because my head was clear, but because it was very cold outside- when all of a sudden, I heard a bush rustle.

Of course, as it was right next to the Forbidden Forest I didn't think much of it. I mean, it's a forest. Things live _in_ the forest. Every once and a while they're going to get bored and come out.

Which is exactly what happened.

A _giant_, shaggy, black haired dog came out of the forest and walked over to me.

For a while we just kind of stared at each other –me wondering if he was going to pounce and eat me, him probably wondering if he _wanted_ to eat me- until finally he laid down next to me and put his head on my lap.

…

Now, what you have to realize is that up until this point, I wasn't really scared. I mean, if the creature was going to eat me, he was going to eat me. But once he put his head on my lap, all of my bravado fled and I got frightened. Though really, can you blame me? So I did what anybody that wanted to escape a giant, possibly feral forest creature would do.

I put my hand on his head and tried moving it.

…

Yea, that's right. I moved his head.

…

Though, stupid animal that it was, decided that I was _petting_ him, and let out a sigh and nudged my hand with his head to get me to do it again.

And so, since I didn't really _want_ to be eaten, despite all the crap that's been going on in my life, I… petted it.

…

Yea, probably not the _smartest_ thing to do, considering, but I did it.

And after petting the damn thing for what seemed like _forever_, I found myself talking to it. I mean… it's just a harmless animal –Ok, not _harmless_, per say, but still less dangerous than the people at school- that can't talk back or tell anyone what I said so…

I just started talking.

And once I started, I found that I couldn't stop. And pretty soon I was telling the animal everything. How I had gone out with Lucius because he had asked and not because I had particularly liked him – I figured this out during my walk. I mean, if I truly liked him, wouldn't I be sadder and try to get him back?- and that I was fed up with people hating me and starting rumors about me and how I was worried and scared of the new danger called Voldemort. And I told him how, most of all, I hated Sirius Black. The dog whined when I first started talking about him, and since I thought this was the most encouragement I was going to get, I continued. I told the dog how I hated Sirius for taking my first kiss, giving me more detentions than I ever thought possible, and for being a selfish bastard that seemed to think I was a game and that I had no feelings to speak of.

And this may sound silly, but after talking to the dog… well, I felt better. I felt as if a giant weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, that I had finally cleared my mind like I had first set out to.

So I gently pushed the dog's head off my lap, and this time he didn't stop me. And then I stood up and started walking back towards Hogwarts, feeling significantly calmer than I have for a long time.

And now… I'm back here, feeling a lot bit better about myself and humanity in general. I mean… tough times are ahead, and we're going to need to stick together, even if we don't like each other.

Which, really, is all that matters.

* * *

**Disclaimer:** Can you tell I'm not J.K Rowling?

**Author's Note: **OK, a couple of points.

One: This chapter was the turning point for the entire story, and I think I should let you know that, since this chapter was poorly written. It's still going to be the romantic comedy that we know and love, but there's going to be more dark humor and drama in here now that Voldemort has entered the picture.

Two: Sorry for the lack of Sirius, but this was a more Pippa-oriented chapter. He will be back though, so never fear!

Three: I realized there wasn't hardly any mention of Pippa's family so… her mom wrote a letter! And really… sometimes it is just awkward talking to your family.

Four: I hope none of you thought I was bashing homosexuals, because I wasn't. I am a member of my school's Gay-Straight alliance sooo… there ya go.

Five: I am now fifteen! WHOOOOOOO! (this means nothing, but I think it's cool.)

Six: I love Grey's Anatomy. Do any of you? (again.. this means nothing.)

Seven: I NEED A BETA! So… ignore the mistakes, kay?

**Melissa**


	12. I am NOT Involved in Sexual Tension!

**November 17  
****Common Room  
****2:45 AM**

Holy whoa now, that was a crazy dream. Like… seriously, seriously, _seriously_ crazy.

Basically, I went to my classes naked –except for lacy underpants. Odd, considering how the cotton ones do me just fine, but I don't think that's the important bit- and no one was paying attention to me and my nakedness _at all_ except for the Marauders. James Potter was vastly amused and called me such names as "Large Thighs" and "Candy Peaks" (mostly I'm trying not to dwell on that last one. Or the first one, for that matter), Peter Pettigrew was crying in the corner and kept yelling for his mommy, Remus Lupin was being quite the gentleman and kept offering me his robes, and Sirius Black just stared and grabbed onto the doorframe (we were in detention at this point) so hard his hands were white.

…

Yea, I told you it was crazy.

**6:53 AM**

I just realized that today is the last day for my lunch detention. Things won't have to be awkward with everyone whispering about me –they still do that, the bounders- and me assuming it's about my naked dream as I'm paranoid. Oh, thank you Merlin!

**Slughorn's Classroom  
****1:22 PM**

So… if I thought it wasn't going to be awkward today because it's our last day of detention –last day for _this_ detention, anyway. I still have the library detention. Dammit- then I was sorely mistaken.

_Remus Lupin_ just came and sat next to me and decided to talk to me. _Remus Lupin!_

Now, I don't know if you remember this, little notebook of mine, but I used to have a mondo-sized crush on Mr. Lupin. He was really the only reason I even came this year –not that I had much of a choice but.. well… you know- despite the fact that I didn't know him or had never ever talked to him except for that one time when I stepped on the hem of his robes and he asked me to get off of them. Basically, I had a crush on him and while I don't think he knew it, or even knew that I was alive, _I_ knew it. And so, since I'm me, I started freaking out.

Quietly, as I don't need anymore reasons for people to think I'm psychotic or OH DEAR MERLIN MY FOOT HAS FALLEN ASLEEP! OH, MAN THAT HURTS! FEELS LIKE A THOUSAND TINY BEES HAVE DECIDED IT IS PRUDENT TO STING ME ALL OVER! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHY? WHY ARE LITTLE GNOMES JUMPING UP AND DOWN ON MY FOOT WITH SPIKED HIGH HEELS! WHY ARE THERE EVEN TRANSVESTITE GNOMES IN THE FIRST PLACE? _AND WHY DO THEY NEED TO TEST THEIR HEELS ON ME!_

…

OK, so squeaking and spazing like that definitely made everyone in the room fear for my sanity. I mean, if Slughorn had to go for his wand –and I've heard that he's generally very levelheaded when put in the path of danger- then I must have made a very odd impression.

…

As everyone just went along with their tasks after my sheepish little, "Er… sorry," then I guess they're fine with my spazing. Which, sadly, I think means they're desensitized. Why am I such a freak?

…

Perhaps my mother bashed me on the head a few times too many as a child. Or maybe I fell down a well. That would be pretty cool, falling down a well I mean, as that sentence rhymed and I liked rhymes –it's the Ravenclaw in me- and it would make for interesting parlor conversation. "Oh, yes, well, your daughter may have gotten O's on all of her NEWTS, but did she fall down a well? Oh, that's just _too bad_. _My daughter _still has fears of drowning from it. Tsk Tsk, poor little Magdalina."

…

Yea, that's exactly the type of thing my mother would try to brag about.

…

Maybe falling down a well isn't such a great idea. Now I'm going to have nightmares where I'm falling down a well naked and it's all because Snape and Lucius pushed me down there.

…

My life is utter crap.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, Remus Lupin coming over to sit by me. Right, well… he came over and sat down all properly with his back straight and perfect posture and whatnot, and then he said… are you read for this, Notebook? Do you think you can handle this? Maybe _you_ should sit down with a ramrod straight back before I tell you. I was quite surprised, and I'm normally quite unflappable.

He said…

I hope you're ready for this.

"Sirius says he's sorry."

Seriously. _That_ is what he said. After that I kind of just looked at him blankly. And then he nodded to himself and got up out of his seat and went back over to where he normally works. And it wasn't until then that I realized that Black isn't where he usually is. He isn't here, period.

Which gives me a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Because if he isn't here, wreaking havoc, he's off doing it somewhere else. And his havoc wreaking usually involves me. I mean, I'm not saying that he's obsessed with getting me in trouble but… I'm just saying.

Ya know that I'm saying?

…

Sadly, not even _I_ know that I'm saying.

Ever.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

**Potions Classroom  
2:12 PM**

This is awkward.

…

That's really all I'm going to say.

**Charms Classroom  
3:46 PM**

I really hate Rowania Foxkithia. She keeps shooting me these superior little glances like, "Ha! I _was_ the reason that you had to sleep on the couch, but now you've done that all on your own! You're a worthless little twirp, and you know what? I've snogged Sirius Black passionately and sensuously and you haven't. So.. HA!"

If she's trying to make me feel bad, it isn't working. It's not like I care whose mouth Black is shoving his tongue into. The only thing I care about is making sure that they don't make Black-Foxkithia hybrids.

That would be worse than the sky falling. Which almost happened into 1232 BC. There were some rampaging coelacanths that someone learned how to fly and kill and… yea.

…

Those crazy muggles.

…

do de do de do…..

**Great Hall  
5:54 PM**

I dunno if it's just me buuuuut…

I think everyone is staring at me.

**5:57 PM**

Nope, it's not just me.

**6:00 PM**

Just realized why everyone is staring.

This is the first time I've eaten in here since… well… the demise of my relationship with Lucius.

…

Basically, I'm setting myself up for a disaster.

…

I think I'm going to go to the library. No one will go looking for me there! Plus, I can get my homework done.

YAY!

…

I am such a nerd.

**Common Room  
8:12 PM**

So I went to the library and did my homework. All of the homework that I haven't done in about two weeks. Well, except for all of the essays I have to do. But those don't really count soo…. Yea.

Anyway, I finished with only a couple of minutes to spare until detention started. And so I was lazing around doing absolutely nothing when all of a sudden Black comes out of some hidden office that I've never noticed before with McGonagall standing right next to him. They saw me and walked over to me –Black kind of hanging back a little- and right as they came up to me McGonagall says, "No need for you to be here tonight, Miss Rightwing. Black has admitted that the only reason you were here in the first place was because of him. You may go back to your Common Room."

I will confess that I just kind of stood there for a moment. I didn't have to go to detention. The reason I didn't have to go to detention was because Black realized that it was all his fault. I was free!

So I kind of just looked at McGonagall and said, "Um… OK," and went to, well, here.

And now I just kind of… sitting on my couch-bed and doing absolutely nothing other than writing in here. And thinking. Mostly about how Black was looking at me tonight in the library. Kind of like… he was sorry.

But that can't be. He may have had one of his best friends come up to me and tellme that he was sorry and he may have told McGonagall that it was all his fault that I was in detention in the first place, but that couldn't mean he was sorry. I mean, Sirius Black doesn't have a soul. He _can't_ be sorry. It just isn't physically possible for him.

…

Maybe I should get started on one of those essays.

**8:19 PM**

How weird was him admitting that was wrong? I mean… he finally took the blame for doing something. I'm sure this a first.

…

**8:23 PM**

Sirius Black did his first completely unselfish thing.

…

I think this is going to form a black hole. Or maybe Muggles are going to realize that there are such things at witches and wizards and magic and yea.

…

At the very least, it's going to damage the hierarchy we have going on at this school.

* * *

**November 19  
Common Room  
8:36 PM**

This is such a sad thing to admit but….

Without detention, I really have nothing to do. Seriously. Ever since my detention has ended I haven't had _anything_ to do other than homework.

I've been trying to tell myself that at least I'm getting some homework done but… well… that's not really cutting it.

…

How did I _do_ this for five years? **_HOW!_

* * *

**

**November 20  
Great Hall  
7:02 AM**

Two more Muggles have died at the hand of Voldemort.

How crazy is this guy?

* * *

**November 21  
Common Room  
6:46 AM**

So I weighed myself today and since the beginning of the year, I have gained almost a stone.

Honestly.

I am five one and I weigh one hundred and forty-two pounds.

…

I am a cow.

**7:15 PM**

This is… so sad.

I HAVE NOTHING TO DO.

At all.

Well, except for homework.

Siiiiiiiiiiiigh.

…

Maybe I'll go and do it in the library.

…

**Library  
7:32 PM**

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Well, hey, she went to the library. Either she's a coldhearted meaniebobeanie and she wants to see Black do all the work she used to do, or she went there to see Black and agonize over how attractive he is in his shirt that has the top button undone and the messy black hair and the rolled up shirtsleeves that show his muscular forearms and in his pants that hug his body in just the right way when he climbs the ladder."

HAS IT NEVER OCCURRED TO YOU THAT MAYBE I JUST WENT THERE FOR THE RESOURCES!

Honestly, you need to get your mind out of the gutter. I needed to go to the library for a book in the Restricted Section for my DADA essay.

And Sirius Black isn't in any way attractive. Especially when he's staring at you from across the library with this unreadable look on his face that makes your head hurt when you try to figure it out and-

**Common Room  
10:35 PM**

So that was… interesting.

I just had a normal conversation with someone that didn't involve the sexual prowess of my now ex-boyfriend (Lea) or poetry (Lucius) or my body in any way shape or form (Black).

…

Looking back, those conversations weren't necessarily normal either. But whatever.

Anyway, so I was sitting at my little table in the library, thinking very seriously about leaving when all of a sudden this girl stands in front my table and goes, "Can I sit here?"

At this I looked around to make sure that said girl was talking to me and not some ghost or apparition behind me. It was at this point that I realized that most all of the tables in the library were empty except for mine and that there wasn't really any reason for this girl to want to sit by me. But I didn't dwell on that too much and said that she could sit by me.

The two of us did our homework in silence for a little while until out of no where the girl goes, "It is my sincere hope that sometime in the near future children will learn to appreciate the library."

I thought of Black and Potter throwing curses at each other that first day of detention. "It probably won't happen though. It's mostly used as a battleground nowadays."

The girl sighed. "Pity it's not a battle of words."

I shook my head. "That would be ironic. But no one seems to appreciate irony anymore either."

"I once went to a graveyard that had an antique store in it."

I blinked once. Then I blinked twice. Then, just for good measure, I laughed long and hard. After a moment of silence the girl joined me.

It was at this point that Madame Pince glared and shushed us, which sent us into silent giggles. Eventually we stopped, and after doing out homework in silence for a few moments, she girl said, "I'm Lily Evans by the way."

I looked up from my DADA essay and gave her a good look over. She had red hair that was in a short pixie cut and warm green eyes that sparkled at me from across the table. Her nose was a bit too small and perfect and her lips were far too plump to fit her face. Even from across the table I could tell she was tall, probably closer to six feet, but instead of being intimidated by tall people like I normally am, I felt remarkable at east.

"I'm Pippa Rightwing."

She did the perusal thing too, probably taking in my light brown hair that was in a messy bun and my plain blue eyes and my HUGE lips. (Let me tell you how much it sucks to have huge lips. I sucks ------------------------------------------- muchX 1021544547. 'Cause when you wake up in the morning, they're about the size of your face. And it's just weird waking up and looking like a fish that smeared an Enlarging Potion in it's lips. But anyway…) Apparently she didn't find anything lacking because she said, "You're cute. I can see why he likes you. Though you're not in his usual style."

I'm afraid at this point I gave her a look of, "Um… qua!" And she, being the nice person that she is, elaborated. "You must know he usually dates people that may be physically appealing, but mentally have the capacity only for evil." I probably still had the look of, "_What are you talking about!_" because she said, "Like Rowania Foxkithia. You know Sirius only dates girls that are pretty but insipid."

Finally, I caught on.

And sputtered.

Seriously. Had there been a drink in my mouth, Lily –as she's asked me to call her- would have been covered in it. But since I wasn't drinking at the time, she stayed dry. But I must have whetted her curiosity (I am such.a.nerd. I make puns.) because she said, "OK, I promised myself I wasn't going to ask but since I never listen to myself… what exactly is going on between you and Sirius?"

I blinked, thought, and then shared. "Er.. honestly, I have no idea. It seems like every single day he's doing something new just to torment me and make me confused, and then all of sudden he'll be nice and make me think he's a nice person. But then he'll go and do something completely arsey and I'll be back to thinking he's the world's biggest jerk. So basically... nothing's going on, except for, as far as I can tell, he's just toying with me."

She nodded as if this all made sense. "James Potter is exactly the same with the whole confusing attitude, except he fancies himself in love with me. Which is extremely annoying, let me tell you. It's, "Lily, you should go out with me," this and, "Lily, you should date me" that. Honestly, it's enough to make me want to bash his giant head into a wall so a his ego will pool out of it."

"Er…"

"You know, he's the reason I cut my hair." I shook my head as if to say, "No, I didn't know that," and she elaborated. "Well, I wouldn't suppose you would have known as you're always so quiet and stick to yourself mostly, but I used to have hair that fell basically to my arse. One day Potter and I got into a fight –we do that a lot, actually, as he's got his head up his butt- and I yelled at him that him ruffling his hair up all the time was stupid –which it is, don't you think?- and then he told me my hair was beautiful, and I got so fed up with trying to talk to the ponce that I decided to chop it all off. Which I did, and Potter wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the week, as if he was angry at me for cutting off my own hair! So now, to teach him a lesson, I keep it short."

I raised an eyebrow. "So, basically, what you're saying is that you keep your hair short to prove your point that worrying about your hair is stupid?" She nodded. "That's wonky."

Lily shrugged before saying, "It's a little arsebackwards, yes, but there's a sort of twisted intelligence to it there somewhere. I've found it, but mostly people just think I'm crazy."

I thought of all the people that think I'm crazy and I sighed. "Yea, I know how that is."

"Meh," she said, and that essentially covered everything.

"Meh," I agreed, and went back to doing my paper.

After staying silent for a little while longer, Lily suddenly said, "You know, Sirius is looking at you like you've beaten up his mother, kicked his dog, and then sodomized his mother." I whipped my head up. "Well, actually, he's looking at me like that. Probably doesn't like me talking to you. You he keeps looking at with longing."

I blinked, and then suddenly Lily was laughing uproariously.

"I just realized," she said in between laughs, "that you're me." This confused me, and I told her so. "No need to be so confused, Pippa m'dear. Basically, what you're going through with Sirius I'm going through with Potter. Only you've got so much sexual tension going on with Sirius that it's almost unbearable to be around you when you're in the same room."

My sputtering came back.

"Oh, honestly Pippa, you can admit it. Sirius is one smokin' guy. If he wasn't such an arsehole, I would be all over that boy. As it is, he is a dumbfuck and has an ego almost as big as Potter's."

I was a bit shocked at her language –C'mon, it's _me_, people- but I decided to stick up for myself. "There is no sexual tension between me and that… that… _libertine_."

"Nice word choice, Pips," she said, commending me.

"Thank you."

"But you still have sexual tension."

"I do not!"

"Oh, come on! I've see you two in here before. I'm not an idiot. I was in here the day him and Diane Lewandowski broke up. He kept looking at you like he was thinking about you naked, and you were doing the exact same thing."

"That is so not true!"

She rolled her eyes. "Fine," she allowed. "You may not want to see him naked and sweaty and all the other ways that make men good, but he wants you. Badly. I hear him and James talk all the time in the Common Room. In the beginning he would go on and on about how hot you were and James would agree –I remember, because that got me excited and thinking that he would try to go after you- but soon enough he was talking about the little things you would say or the way you would blush cutely or the way you would read and blah blah _blah_ that boy is so lovesick!"

"Um…" I said, because I couldn't really think of anything else to say.

"Um," she allowed. Then she stood up and stretched, and I noticed again how tall she was. "Anyway, Pips, I gotsta go and do the shower and sleep thing. But it's been pretty damn cool talking to you. We should meet again here tomorrow." All I could think of was to nod. "Alright, see ya tomorrow at seven? Hokay, biya."

And then she was off.

I stayed and thought a little while about exactly all she had said, but then decided thinking about it was bad and that it would only lead to trouble. So I packed up my stuff and headed to the common room.

But as I walked out of the library, so did Black. We kind of just started at each other –it was obviously an accident that we had both decided to leave at the same time-, me thinking about all that Lily had told me and him probably thinking… something.

Then he regained himself and said, "Night, Cupcake," and walked out of the room. I stayed there for a moment before leaving myself.

And now I'm here. Just…sitting on the couch, thinking about that conversation. And then not thinking about the conversation. Then obsessing over it all over again.

That cannot be healthy.

Sigh.

…

Can someone die of an obsession over a conversation?

* * *

**Disclaimer:** Um… yea, not J.K Rowling. 

**Author's Note:** So… yea. I updated. Are you happy? The chapter is almost four thousand words. I think that's pretty good, considering how… I want it to seem like a lot. Um, yea, anywubbly…

I wrote this chapter to Imogen Heap, and for some reason, I find that her songs generally fit every chapter I've ever written. So if you're enough of a nerd and fan and love me and all that good mush, you should… get the CD and listen to it while reading. I'm not saying anything, just I'm just saying.

So, let me tell you about the amazingness of my school. Basically, we had a Tri-Wizard tournament inspired dance called the Quad-Wizard Tournament. Every grade had a champion, and since I'm a nerd and people love me for some odd reason_ **I WAS THE SLYTHERIN HOUSE CHAMPION!**_ I was AMAZING! We had three tasks which consisted of us champions standing on a balance beam and fighting a guy in a dragon costume with a floatation device (Hufflepuff lost. Ha!), finding a balloon with a prize in it (I lost that one, sadly. But my friend got silly-stringed so it was all good), and a maze that was on a piece of paper. Everyone realized it was rigged so Gryffindor would win (Gryffindor- seniors, Ravenclaw-Juniors, Hufflepuff- Sophomores, Slytherin- Freshmen) so Ravenclaw and Gryffindor had a dance off. We got it on tape, and if you'd like to see it, go to www. Kyber. Co. nr/ Just take the spaces away and you get to see the dance off.

Anywubbly, enough about me loving life. Here is the chapter. Apparently I can't write a story without there being some form of Lily/James. Sad but… true, I guess. So there is the amazing Lily, complete with short hair and swears and blunt personality! Yay!

Oh… and forget the typos and shizz 'cause… yea, they're not going to go away. … Soon.

Hopefully you liked the chapter, the sexual tension that wasn't and the Sirius that wasn't exactly a jerk.

May you all live forever and be blessed with hot Sirius Black look-alikes.

**Melissa**


	13. I am NOT a Lesbian!

**November 22  
****Common Room  
****6:25 AM**

…

I'm tired.

…

**Great Hall**

**7:32 AM**

So I am most pleased with myself. No one has come up to me and started yelling at and no one is glaring at me! People are starting to realize that I am not evil and that I'm not going to go crazy and start hexing people into wild abandon! Yes! HEADWAY!

…

I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that a certain Mr. Remus Lupin came up to me and gave me my Tansfiguration book.

…

And before you ask, no I didn't _plant_ it. I suppose I must have left it at the library and since Sirius Black is a pansy - Ok, maybe that's not very nice of me. He did, after all, get me out of detention. Detention that was his fault to begin with. …- he had his friend give it to me. The same friend he had apologize to me for him.

Although it could have been worse. He could have had Peter Pettigrew give it to me. Knowing that boy he would have given it to me with random peas and stains in there as he apparently hasn't mastered the art of _eating_.

And he could have given the job to James Potter. Who would have beaten me upside the head with the book before giving it to me. And he would have done it smiling.

Bastard.

…

Looking back, Black probably made the right choice. I didn't get beaten with knowledge and my book didn't become a snack for rats and other forms of vermin.

…

Why am I dwelling so much on this?

**History of Magic Classroom  
****11:03 AM**

I just remembered that I'm meeting Lily tonight at the library.

Wait, it's not a _date_, is it?

'Cause… well, she's certainly not like any of the girls I've ever met. I mean, she didn't hate me as soon as she met me, and she didn't seem angry or bitter over the whole me-Sirius thing. If anything, she found it amusing.

And she was telling me about how James and how she ignores him and how she hates him, and, well, I don't want to sound odd or anything buuuut… well, for all of his arsy-ness, he is rather nice to look at.

Plus, she does keep her hair pretty short.

…

Dear Merlin, what if it _is_ a date?

**Great Hall  
****1:32 PM**

I mean, if it _is_ a date, how do I break it to her that I'm not… interested? So, yea, we had a lovely conversation and there was some laughing going on, but it wasn't _flirting_. It was just… me being... me. And… lonely. And…

…

I AM NOT A LESBIAN!

I mean, sure, the past couple of weeks have been pretty much crap in the whole boys department, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to do away with them forever.

…

…

**1:35 PM**

OK, so I just reread my entry from last night, and I think it's safe to say I was overreacting just a tad. 'Cause she clearly said that men were nice when sweaty, and I must say that only a girl attracted to boys would think a sweaty, shirtless male is attractive. Because I think it's safe to say that sweaty males smell like… well, I'm not sure what exactly they smell like, but it's not a good one.

…

Actually, I have no idea what I'm talking about, as I've never really been around a sweaty male before. Lucius was always really well put together, and we were certainly never doing anything that warranted him sweating.

In fact, the only sweaty boy I've ever been around is… well, Sirius Black. It was that one night when he carried me up to the Owlry to devise a plan of attack on Snape. The only reason he was sweating was 'cause he had carried me up all the steps from the library and I'm no lightweight… but still.

And then there was that one time… on Halloween, when he chased after me after I ran I away from him and his… tongue of doom.

…

Is that weird? That the only guy who has ever been sweaty over is me is the one boy I can't stand?

…

If this was a cheesy romance novel this would mean we're meant to be together.

…

But as its not… I think it's safe to say _we're_ not.

…

So anyway. I think I'm going to go and… yea.

Homework is good.

**Astronomy Classroom  
****2:46 PM**

Have I ever mentioned how… pointless having an astronomy class at two in the afternoon is? I mean, it's not like you can even _see_ the stars until late at night, and so then you just end up coming back up here at roughly midnight to look at the rings around Uranus or the spots on Pluto. It's just….stupid.

…

Although, what's even MORE stupid is Divination. Pssh, when was the last time _that_ was ever helpful?

When I took that class in my third year, they told me I was going to find my true love by my sixth year. And, hey, what do you know? I HAVEN'T.

…

Unless my true love was Lucius and I totally messed things up by being a Rowania Foxkithia type of girl and snogging Sirius Black although it was totally his fault in the first place (Black, not Lucius) and if I bungled things up between me and my true love I'm NEVER going to get married and then my mother will hate me forever and my dad will never be able to show his face in the office ever again because people think I'm a lesbian when I'm NOT and-

Oh, that's right. We decided I didn't really like Lucius in the first place, I just like the attention he gave me.

So basically……………… I am an attention whore. Goodie.

…

I have severe mental issues and should not be let out of the house.

* * *

**November 23  
****Common Room  
****12:03 AM**

So that was……… actually pretty interesting. (Do you realize that that is the only adjective I ever use to describe what happens to me? Odd, isn't it?)

(And before you ask, no I didn't realize I was really a lesbian – because I'm NOT- and have a wild snog session with Lily. 'Cause… that would just be weird.)

Ok, so I got to the library at, like, six thirty a) 'cause I needed to get a book from the restricted section for my DADA essay and b) 'cause I had nothing better to do. And I was just getting my notes done when I hear two thumps and I look across the table and there are…

Well, James and Remus.

We kind of just looked at each other for a while, me 'cause I couldn't help but think that they wanted to kill me -Well, not Remus, but James certainly.- and them 'cause…… I dunno why. But then, just as this was going to enter the dangerous territory of an American Western Staredown James smiled.

Slowly.

Then he said, "Hiya Pippa."

And then me, being the AMAZING conversationalist that I am, said, "Er… hello Potter."

Then he went all creepy on me and was like, "I think we've reached the point where we call each other by our first names, right Pippa? So you should call me James."

It was at this point when I was thinking of something, _anything_ to say, when Remus went, "James look, you're scaring her. You might as well tell her what you want, otherwise I'm leaving."

James pouted. "But Reemy, I was just having some fun."

And then Remus went all… adulty on him and was like: "1… 2…"

And then James did a total one-eighty and was like, "I heard you've been hanging out with Lily Evans lately. Is this true?"

And since I'm… well, meek, shy little me I said, "Er… sure."

He leaned back in his chair and tried to look bored while Remus looked on and rolled his eyes. "So I'm thinking that you should put in a good word for me."

I looked at him like he was crazy. "Um… what?"

Then he sighed. "For a Ravenclaw, you're horrible at making witty conversation." He spoke slowly, as if I was stupid, and I contemplated kicking him in the knee. Even though I wouldn't do that, 'cause… I'm nice. And I have problems with authority figures. Er… where was I? Oh, yes, the speaking slowlyness. "I want you –you, yes you- to tell Lily Evans that you think I'm a nice guy."

Remus snorted and I still had the look of, "Yea, you belong in St. Mungo's". "Why would I do that?" I asked, and James smiled.

"'Cause I'm a nice guy."

Thankfully I was saved from answering and saying something mean by a voice behind me going, "James, stop harassing her. You know that she would just be lying and she's too honorable to do that. So just leave and take your big head out of the library- I can hardly _breathe_."

I looked behind me and there was Lily in all of her red headed glory, looking as if she wanted to castrate James slowly. With a dirty, jagged glass Butterbeer bottle that still had some of it's alcohol left in it.

James, however, seemed completely oblivious to this whole wanting to kill him thing, because he just smiled broadly and ruffled his hair with his hand. "Evans! I knew you couldn't resist me."

"Actually Potter," said another voice from behind me. It belonged to a girl I didn't know. "It seems like _you_ can't resist _her_. So you should probably leave before we talk to Dumbledore on stalking charges."

It was at this point that James Potter seemed to loose some of his superiority. "Sofia Meyer… shut up."

Then the girl smiled prettily. "Make me."

It got pretty tense after that, what with the girl –Sofia Meyer- going and usurping James' self proclaimed supremacy and just as I was about to go and hide under the desk James growled something about not wanting to hit a girl and stormed out of the library.

Remus gave us a little smile. "Sorry about that, Lils. He's a little bitter over the fact that him and Sirius aren't really getting on right now."

"I know," Lily sighed, "but that doesn't mean he has to take it out on _me_."

Remus got up from his seat and motioned for Sofia to sit. "He's also bitter over the fact that you won't go out with him. So please, just take it easy on him, OK? There's only so much resistance a guy can take before he goes over the deep end." Then he looked over at me and said, "Hey, Pippa," and then walked away.

It was quiet for a moment before Lily sighed and sat down. She gave me a tired smile before saying, "Sorry about that, Pippa."

I shrugged because I could kind of understand the whole arsy boy thing. "Don't worry about it. I'm just surprised you didn't haul off and kill him."

"I was sorely tempted to," she said wryly, and then motioned to Sofia. "This is Sofia Meyer, and she is slightly obsessed with you."

"Er…?"

Sofia rolled her eyes. "I'm not _obsessed_ with you, I'm just amazed that you've resisted Sirius for so long. So when Lily mentioned that she was meeting you tonight, I was like, pssh, yea, I'm there man."

I blinked. "Um… OK." And then I did what I believe sparked mine and Sofia's friendship- I held out my hand to be shaken.

Yea, seems pretty much inconsequential, right? Just being polite shouldn't be what cements a friendship… OK, maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself here, as I'm not sure whether or not mine and Sofia's friendship is _cemented _as I have, in fact, just met her, but that's besides the point. The point _is _that Sofia is from an old wizarding family like myself, and just as I was putting out _my _hand, she was putting out _hers_.

And so we looked at each other's hands… and then we looked at each other…. And then we looked at our hands… and then... well, then we started laughing.

It seems pretty stupid if you weren't the one that it was happening to –Lily's face made this perfectly obvious- but believe me, it was a _moment_.

…

We're not even going to go into my usual rant of how I'm not a lesbian, as I don't have the willpower to do so.

So anyway. Sofia and I were laughing, and Lily was looking at us like we were crazy when all of a sudden… guess who walks in for their detention?

Yes, that's right. One Sirius Middlename Black.

Our little table got really quiet as he walked past us, one of his eyebrows raised. Sofia said, "Hey, Sirius," as he walked past us, but he completely ignored her and… well, stared at me.

Seriously. The _entire _time he walked up to our table past us, he just…stared at me with his usual expression of… unreadableness. And I just kind of started at him back because… well, really, what else can you do when someone's looking at you like that?

When he got over to where Professor McGonagall was waiting for him Sofia let out a low whistle. "Hoo boy, that is some sexual tension."

"That's what I told her!" Lily said, loud enough for Madame Pince to shush us.

"Oh man," Sofia said once we'd stopped giggling. "If someone was looking at me like that I would jumped him in, like, two seconds _flat_. Seriously, I would rip off all of his clothes and shove him into a closet and have my dirty, whorish way with him." She sighed dreamily, while I looked at her life she was crazy.

Lily noticed my look. "The thing you have to understand about Sofia is that she's one of those odd man haters." When I gave her a look of, "Um…whaaaa?" she elaborated. "Meaning… she doesn't like the stupid things guys so but… she really likes guys."

Realizing Lily wasn't getting anywhere, Sofia went, "OK, think of it this way. I can NOT like a boy but… I will still snog him, 'kay?" Seeing my look of understanding, she added, "You know, I've made out with all of the Marauders."

"You kissed Petter!" I asked, disgusted, while Lily said, "That's a lie. You haven't made out with Remus."

Sofia answered Lily's comment first. "The only reason I haven't made out with Remus is because… I dunno, it's like he's… afraid of it or something. He's never kissed _anyone_, to my knowledge, and believe me, I have many spies. And anyway, remember that one time we heard him talking to Sirius and James? He was like, 'I'm afraid if I kiss anyone my animal instincts will come out'. Shame, 'cause that boy is some kind of goodlooking."

Then she looked at me. "Yes, I've kissed Peter. It wasn't what you're thinking. I mean, I wasn't overcome with lust for him. We were just playing Truth or Dare and I was dared to kiss him. Hey!" she exclaimed as if she had a sudden epiphany. "Maybe that's why I don't like Potter that much! I must still be scarred by Peter thinking he was hot stuff when really he just tasted like rotten eggs."

Lily and I gagged loudly at this. "Oh please," I said beseechingly. "Don't make me have that mental image. My brain is already messed up enough, thank you very much."

"How do you think I feel?" Sofia asked. "I'm the one who had to kissed him, remember? I _still _wake up from nightmares. Anyway, the only one who really knew how to kiss was Sirius. I mean, don't get me wrong, James was good, but whoa, did Sirius know what to do get a girl's motor running." Lily looked mildly disturbed by this piece of information, probably because Sofia said James wasn't necessarily a bad kisser. "But you know all about this, don't you Pippa?"

It took me a full thirty seconds to realize what Sofia had asked me, and when I did I am sad to say my old squeaking habit came back. "What!"

She rolled her eyes at me while Lily giggled a little. "Oh, come on! You don't have to act shy with me. It's not like I'm going to tell anyone that you thought Sirius Black was a good kisser. I just want to make Lily realize that while they may be dumbarses of the first order, she can still want to kiss someone."

I raised an eyebrow and looked over at Lily. "Is she really saying what I think she's saying? That, despite the fact that you hate him and wish him bodily harm, you still want to snog James Potter?"

Lily glared at Sofia. "You are _so_ getting smacked when we get back to the dorm."

"Do I get to pick where?" she asked in an almost dead-on James Potter accent.

Lily growled, but just before there was bloodshed, I said hurriedly, "Yes, the kiss was… erm… very nice."

All movement stopped, at least until Sofia turned to Lily and said, "See, I told you it was perfectly normal. No need to bite my head off. Now, about tongue of rabid dog being used in a love potion…"

There was more talking after this, but since I'm feeling more than slightly tired I'm going to go to bed. But not before I tell you about the three of us making plans to go to the Hufflepuff-Gryffindor quidditch game on Saturday.

Oh, and not before I tell you about the interesting thing that happened before I left. Sofia and Lily left a little while before I did, saying that they had a big Charms exam tomorrow, and right as I was leaving I felt as if someone was, well, watching me. When I turned around, there was Sirius Black, leaning up against one of the bookshelves, smiling.

Not smirking, not winking, not... making that odd little face of his. Just… grinning at me.

For some reason I got unaccountably embarrassed and hurried out of there. But I wasn't quick enough, because I heard him say, "Goodnight, Cupcake."

…

Yea, I'm sure it meant nothing.

**3:46 AM**

OH DEAR MERLIN, WHAT IF HE HEARD ME SAY I THOUGHT THE KISS WAS "VERY NICE"?

KAJSDFAKSJDFDF98DHFAWYE9AYWDR ASDHFLADFJH A HHFD AAKJFD!

HE PROBABLY THINKS I LIKE HIM!

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**Great Hall  
****7:25 AM**

So… yea. He hasn't said anything to me about last night, so was probably just overreacting.

…

Probably.

**7:28 AM**

I know this is going to sound weird but… is it wholly wrong to be attracted to someone eating an orange?

I mean… it's just… a fruit. And there's really nothing to be attracted to about an orange. I mean… the whole licking of the juices off of the mouth thing isn't attractive in the least bit…. Right?

* * *

**November 24  
****Common Room  
****1:26 PM**

So yea… just… hanging out in the common room. Doing some…uh… homework.

…

SHUT UP!

I AM NOT WEAK!

* * *

**November 25  
****Common Room  
****8:19 AM**

So yea. The game starts in about a half an hour.

And… I'm just kind of… hanging out. Waiting for eight thirty to come so I can meet Lily and Sofia down in the Great Hall.

…

This is so weird.

…

**2:15 PM**

…

Why do I always do these stupid things that make me wonder why, exactly, I was put on this earth? Am I here as a little project, to see how much one person can completely messed up their life? Am I here for other people's amusement? What! WHAT!

Right now is one of those moments in my life that I should be rejoicing over, not feeling confused and muddled and.. and… a whole other host of emotions that I'm not quite sure what they are.

I bet you're wondering what I'm talking about, but to understand the ENTIRE thing, I really need to start from the beginning.

So… yea. Just don't hate me at the end, OK?

…

Ok, sooooooo, I met Lily and Sofia in the Great Hall like we planned and we headed down to the pitch like we planned and we got our seats, again, like we planned. It wasn't until the game actually started that it deviated from our original plans…ness.

I bet you're wondering what in Merlin's name happened. Well… roughly sixteen seconds into the game, Madame Hooch was forced to call a foul on the Gryffindor team because –get this- the chaser James Potter and had run directly into the OTHER chaser, Sirius Black.

…

AND ALMOST KNOCKED HIM OFF OF HIS BROOM.

…

Yea, we spectators were pretty much in shock as well. Because aren't they supposed to be the ever best of friends?

Apparently not, because two minutes after the game started up again, Sirius Black rammed into one James Potter.

…

Again, us people in the stands were like, "Um…durrrr?"

Well, actually, that's not necessarily true. The Slytherin side of the stands were in raptures, cheering and throwing what seemed to be blocks of cheese (I'm trying not to think too hard about that bit.).

But that is not the point. The point IS that the Gryffindor team got another penalty and then some points revoked, and James and Sirius were told to get onto the field and talk to Madame Hooch.

Only.. when they got on the ground they started to BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER!

SERIOUSLY!

It was… well, it was crazy.

Everyone in the crowd started going absolutely psycho. People started yelling "FIGHT! FIGHT!" or "Potter!" or "Black!" or, even more randomly, "FREE THE ELVES!"

The fight went on for a good minute and a half, as Madame Hooch couldn't get them untangled, but when she finally did they were panting and were bleeding from various wounds on their faces.

It was at this point that Madame Hooch called an end to the game and said that it would be postponed as it was a tie at the end of… well, the two minutes and sixteen seconds they played.

There was a loud groan from the entirety of the pitch, and James and Sirius went their separate ways up to the castle. But as he passed by the Gryffindor stands, Sirius looked right up at me with that expression means… well, you know which one I'm talking about.

Lily, Sofia and I were quiet for a moment until Lily breathed, "Whoa."

Sofia nodded her head in consent. "Yea, maybe this wasn't such a good idea."

I looked confusedly between them. "What are you guys talking about?"

They both looked at me like I was certifiably insane. "That was about _you_," Lily told me after a moment, while Sofia nodded her head in consent.

"WHAT?" I asked, incredulous.

"Mmhmm," Sofia said. "They've been fighting a lot recently because, as James sees it, Sirius has been mooning over you for quite long enough, thank you, and he should get back to the person he _used_ to be."

Lily continued with, "And Sirius things James is being hypocritical as James acts the same way about me. They haven't been talking for a couple of days and.. apparently it just kind of… reached it's zenith out there."

"Oh," I said after a moment, as it was obvious I was supposed to say _something_. "Um… OK then."

"Look Pippa," Lily said once she saw my face, "It's not your fault. They've been angry at each other for a while, and this is just them… expressing it."

"Yea, boys are just ponces. It's not you at all."

I nodded my head. "OK.. I guess. Look, I gotta get out of here. I need to go and lie down or something. I'll talk to you later?"

"Yea, sure," they agreed, and shared worried looks.

"Look, don't do anything I wouldn't do, OK Pippa?" Sofia asked.

The only thing I could think of was getting up to the common room and sleeping. "'Kay."

As I walked passed her, Lily put her hand on my arm. "Look, I know we've only just met and I don't think you completely trust me yet but… if you need anything, I'm here, OK? So don't hesitate to talk to me."

"Yea, me too."

"Really guys," I said. "I'm fine. I just need to go and sleep a little. I'll talk to you later."

"OK…"

I walked up to the castle in a daze, feeling oddly.. detached from my body. It's weird because, while I know that the fight wasn't really my fault, it was just two teenage boys releasing pent up frustrations, I still couldn't help but feel bad. I guess it's just me being, well… me.

I was contemplating this when I got to the door to the common room, and so I didn't notice the guy leaning up against the wall.

"Can I talk to you?" I heard, and when I looked over my shoulder I saw Sirius Black standing right behind me.

I jumped a little, and nodded my head.

He led me over a little ways down the corridor to where there were no people passing by. We stood facing each other for a moment, him with that same incomprehensible stare and me taking in the bruises along his jaw and cut on his lip.

And I found myself not being able to look away from his mouth.

So when he finally started talking, I saw him say the words, "Look, I know you don't like me much, and I understand that you probably never will, but you need to do me a favor."

He paused, took a deep breath and said: "You need to stop messing me around."

I looked up at him and blinked a couple of times, and then quickly looked back down to his mouth.

"I'm serious, Pippa. You need to stop giving me those damn looks of yours, the ones I can't understand. And you need to stop coming to the library and saying those funny little things you say loud enough for me to hear because they make me think you want to at least be friends. And you need to stop making me feel like a complete cad all the time, and you need to stop making me feel like I'm the worst person alive all the time, because I don't _like_ feeling like this, OK? But most of all, most of all you just need to stop being yourself. Because once that happens, I'll be able to stop this stupid feeling and I'll be able to get on with my life. So if you could do that, that'd be great."

He seemed to be waiting for me to say something, anything. But the only thing I could think of was that his lip must have been hurting him very much and that is jaw must have been throbbing. So instead of answering I found myself moving a hand up to his jaw to see if it hurt as much as it looked like it did.

When I first touched him he took a deep breath and I looked up, afraid that I was hurting him. He had his eyes closed, but apparently not from pain, and so I dragged a finger to one of the bruises on the other side of his face and he inhaled again. A muscle in his jaw worked, and I realized that probably was hurting him, so I dropped my hand and looked up at him.

His grey eyes were burning with some sort of emotion that I couldn't quite read (really, is that anything new?), and it looked so much like anger that I took a step back…

And found myself up against the wall.

Sirius took a step towards me, and all of a sudden I knew what was going to happen. "Dammit Pippa," he said, and wrapped his arms around my waist. "Dammit…"

And then…

Well, then he was kissing me.

It wasn't like the first kiss, the one up against the Slytherin table in the Great Hall. It wasn't hurried or sloppy and I certainly didn't feel angry. There was no one watching and no gasps of surprise (ok, there was at least one). I mean, I still felt trapped, like I couldn't get away, but this was a different kind of entrapment. I kind of… well, I liked it.

The first moment was awkward, as I had NO idea what to do with my hands or what to do with my mouth. But apparently I was doing fine just on instinct because Sirius was breathing raggedly and he was muttering my name against my lips like it was some sort of mantra.

He pushed me up against the wall and I felt an odd heat of _something_ shoot down into my stomach. I moaned and he took this opportunity to slide his tongue into my mouth. It wasn't what I thought it would be. I mean, it wasn't disgusting or wet or gross, but instead I found myself craving more. I responded and moved my hands up his chest to wrap them around his neck.

"Oh, _shit_," he breathed and moved his mouth from mine to my throat. He sucked and nipped playfully, eliciting another moan from me, and then he took one of his hands from around my waist and slowly moved it up the back of my shirt. At my sharp intake of breath I felt him smile and he pressed his lips to mine again.

It was more hurried this time, more passionate, and I found myself pushing myself up against him more. He moved his other hand from around me and that too ended up under my shirt. He used both of his hands to tickle my sides, but instead of laughing like I normally would have, I whimpered.

Sirius took this as encouragement and moved his hands slowly up my sides and along my stomach. He took his lips from mine and I felt his warm breath on my neck. "Do you like this as much as I do?" he asked, and lightly bit my ear. "Or do you like it more?"

I couldn't answer, couldn't even _think_ of answering, but I was interrupted anyway by a cough. Sirius and I froze, and I opened my eyes…

And saw Dumbledore looking at us with a raised eyebrow.

We quickly un-entangled from each other and I moved hastily away from Sirius. All at once emotions came flooding through me, and I instantly felt ashamed of what I had done.

"Couldn't find a broom closet like the rest of the populace, Mr. Black?" Dumbledore asked, mortifying me even more.

"Er… apparently not, sir," Sirius said, eyeing me warily.

"Hmmm, right. Well, I hope you've had your fun because I have it on good authority that McGonagall is going to have you on a strict leash after the match today. Come with me."

Then he walked away, obviously expected Sirius to follow. Sirius didn't, instead choosing to stay and ask me, "Are you OK, Pippa?"

I nodded my head as best I could, and felt completely embarrassed. "Yes, I'm fine. You should… you should go with Dumbledore."

He gave me that same unreadable expression, and nodded his head slowly like he understood. And the scariest part is, he might just understand.

"I'll, uh… talk to you later then."

"Alrighty," I said, and, giving him a tight smile, I raced back here.

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

So… what do I do now?

* * *

**Disclaimer:** Since I own a dog, I think it's safe to say I own Sirius Black. No? Oh, well then, -sigh- I don't own anything. 

**Author's Note:** So… yea. That was… um… interesting.

…

They kissed.

…

Oddly enough, even _I_ didn't see that coming. It was supposed to be a short filler chapter where Pippa meets Sofia (AWW! PIPPA HAS FRIENDS! REAL FRIENDS! And I forgot who said they didn't like the shorthaird Lily, but I needed an outgoing Lily for a little sumtin sumtin for something in the future. -evil snicker-) It kind of just…happened. So… … what do you think?

You know, besides the fact that the kiss scene is ungodly short and horribly written. But mostly just horribly written. –bashes head on desk- I'm never going to write cheesy romance novels. –dies-

Speaking of dead…… GREY'S ANATOMY! OMGOMGOMG! DENNY IS DEAD! WTF! SERIOUSLY? **SERIOUSLY?**

-ded-

Just…

-ded-

So yea, read, review, flame, tell me I suck at writing kisses. Anything's fine, really. And really, you should ignore the typos. 'Cause… you just should.

…

MEREDITH AND DERRIK HAD SEX! OMGOMGOMG!

AND PIPPA AND SIRIUS KISSED! OMGOMGOMG!

-**Melissa**


	14. I am NOT a Whore! I think

**November 26  
Common Room  
9:42 AM**

I am not a coward.

Just… lazy.

…

Yes, that's it. I'm lazy and have no motivation and THAT is why I'm just going to lay round the common room all day instead of going to the Great Hall and eating what is expected to be a horrible breakfast or go to the library to hang out with Lily and Sofia 'cause HE will be there looking and me all unreadably and he'll probably want to talk to me about the ki- thing we did yesterday and I really don't want to see or talk to him but that's besides the point, really I'm just bored and tired and lazy and tired and… um…

…

I can't fool you, can I? You can see right through my evasions and underhanded ways, can't you?

DAMMIT.

…

I hate you.

**Great Hall  
10:00 AM**

I have come to the conclusion that, if I was stranded ANYWHERE for a prolonged period of time without food and water, I wouldn't survive. Because, against my better judgment and the fact that I will probably face physical or emotional harm, I have ventured into the land of all hell and bad food.

The Great Hall.

…

Though really, it's not my fault. I couldn't stand listening to the pitiful wailings of my stomach anymore –I _swear_ I heard it say "Pippa… FEED ME NOW!"-. and since I don't have little house elves at my beck and call I had to come down here and face the looks of my peers.

…

And there are many of them.

…

Stares, I mean.

In various shapes, sizes, and colors.

…

Actually, mostly they're the look of "What in Merlin's name happened to _her_?" and "Ew, Pippa Crazypants!" that I usually get, but now I'm just hyper aware of them.

Because they _know_.

I'm not sure _how_ they know, or who they got their information from, but everyone knows that me and Sirius Black have shared one –albeit short- snog session.

And then got caught by Dumbledore.

WHO WILL NOT STOP TWINKLING HIS EYES AT ME.

GO AND TWINKLE YOUR EYES AT SIRIUS BLACK, YOU MISOGYNISTIC WOMAN HATER! HE'S THE ONE WHO STARTED IT!

…

OK, if one doesn't want to put too fine a point on it, I started it. But only because I'm a nice person and he looked like it was in a lot of pain and I can't stand _anyone_ looking like they're in pain, even mansluts like Sirius Black.

Even a manslut like Sirius Black that has probably reduced me to a notch mark on his bed post.

…

Not that I mind. 'Cause I don't. Not in the least bit.

I'm just happy that he will finally ignore me and… um… not remember the kiss… kiss_es_, really, since we've now had two. Although I don't really count that one from Halloween as a kiss since he basically forced himself upon me and I tried to put up a front, really I did but, you know, he's so _male_ and I'm just wee ickle Pippa and I can't really do much to someone so…_male _and… um…

…

Am I the only one who finds it alarming that our headmaster has an eye twinkling problem? What if that's really just a sign that he's going blind? Don't you think we should have a headmaster that can see everything that's going on, rather than one who could, potentially, RUN INTO WALLS?

This is a complete and utter disaster.

He's probably going to knock his pumpkin juice all over his robes.

You know, that's probably why he has McGonagall sit so close to him at their table. So he doesn't spill things over himself or otherwise make an ass of himself. Merlin knows that woman sees _all._

…

I have just figured out the entire teacher relationship at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

I AM A GENIUS.

…

Oh dear. I've just risked a look over at the Gryffindor table –just to see if their table got the same disgusting food that mine did, mind you- and Sirius is _clearly_ staring at me. Seriously. He's not even eating his food or drinking or anything. He's just…staring.

And people are starting to notice that he's staring at me and they keep shooting us looks and OH DEAR MERLIN EVERYONE IS GOING TO KNOW.

…

I need to get out of here.

**Grounds over by the Lake  
11:46 AM**

So that dog/wolf/creatureoftheforrest came again.

And I am sad to say I spilled my heart to it _again_.

…

How completely depressing is that? I mean, I could easily have talked to Lily or Sofia about it, but nooooooooo, I had to go and talk to a large mass of fur with a face. The only saving grace is that it doesn't understand me –or English, for that matter- and really just wanted to lick me and have me pet it.

…

So really, it doesn't matter that I talked to it –in great detail, I'm sad to say- about the snog session between me and Sirius.

…

Although the dog did look oddly fixated on me when I was telling it about… it.

**11:50 AM**

Bloody hell, what if it's some new type of magical creature that understands humans and it could understand EVERYTHING I was telling it! What then? I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHOW MY FACE IN THE FORREST EVER AGAIN!

You know.. besides the fact that I never really go into the woods to begin with.

Just… when I feel the need to escape.

…

I am a severely messed up person with several mental problems.

**Common Room  
4:23 PM**

So yea. Lily and Sofia ended up finding me sitting by the lake and we ended up talking and just lounging around.

They kept me distracted with stories of their ex boyfriends.

Apparently, Lily once dated the old Hufflepuff Quidditch captain, and one year for Valentines Day he gave her his Quidditch robes. Not to wear around, oh no, but rather to clean for him. Lily, understandably, stained it the Gryffindor colors before giving it back to him and then breaking up with him. (They had been having problems before this, so it's not like this one little act made her so angry). The greatest victory of all was that the dye wouldn't come out, and so when their team was brutally slaughtered by the Gryffindors at the next, he had to walk away in defeat wearing the colors of the team her was just bested by.

…

It sounds pretty stupid when I say it, however… it was vastly amusing.

Then Sofia told us of this one time when she was snogging Regulus Black (they weren't dating, as she's a self-proclaimed "man hater", but they were rather slightly tipsy), Snape walked in wearing nothing but a pair of "tighty-whities", and then started screaming about Freddie the Porcupine and laughing cups and wiskey drinking Indians.

After than, Lily told us of one time when she walked in on her old boyfriend um… _pleasuring _himself to what appeared to be a picture of McGonagall.

(Yes, we all gagged most heartily at this when she told us.)

There were more stories and more laughs, but really they just cheered me up and made me realize that while my little snogging story was bad –not that I told them. 'Cause I really don't feel like looking at their expressions which will undoubtedly prove to be confusion, amazement, disgust, and pity all at the same time- it wasn't really all _that_ bad.

'Cause really… Snape in nothing but his underwear?

Yea, that's pretty much the worst thing that could EVER happen to you.

Shudder.

**8:37 PM**

So I just got out of my shower, and I realized that I have these MOSTEROUS bruises on my neck. Seriously. These HUGE purple and red marks that are all over my neck, and even one behind my ear.

I look like I've been bitten by several vampires that somehow did not manage to drink my blood.

And the worst of it is, they _hurt_. Especially the one behind my ear. I accidentally brushed it when I was washing my hair and I swear to merlin I almost cried. I mean, I always knew I had a low tolerance for pain, but honestly.

HOW IN MERLIN'S NAME DID I NOT NOTICE THESE YESTERDAY!

Or more to the point, how am I going to cover them up?

* * *

**November 27  
Great Hall  
9:15 AM**

So the only thing I could think to wear was this wool sweater that my Uncle Thadeous made me from the sheep on his farm in Scotland.

It's big and bulky –read, hideous- but it covers up my neck nicely enough.

And so what if it's an strangely warm day for the end of November? Come rain or high water –or sweat- this thing is Staying.On.

And that's final.

…

Oh, look! Lily and Sofia are waving me over! No need to sit around my table looking depressed and bored, because I have friends who want me to sit with them. Isn't that nice?

**History of Magic Classroom  
10:13 AM**

Oh dear Merlin.

That was the single most embarrassing moment of my ENTIRE life.

Seriously.

This is even more embarrassing that getting caught snogging someone by the headmaster. Who, might I add, is probably blind, which means that we must have been pretty obvious AND OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT HAVE SEEN US.

I thought that was bad, but this is even worse.

…

For future reference, bashing your head against your desk is not a very good idea.

…

Ugh, I suppose I might as well get this over with.

Soo… I sat down at the Gryffindor table next to Lily. She gave me some eggs and milk – the only thing on the menu that wasn't completely disgusting- without even being asked to, and then her and I started talking to Sofia. Things were going well until I reached for my glass without looking for it and ended up spilling milk all along the front of my shirt.

I pulled it away from me with the universal look of "Ew… this is absolutely disgusting" completely forgetting that the wool sweater of doom was actually covering up the bruises on my neck.

So all of sudden Lily says, quite loudly might I add, "Jeeze Pippa, what the hell have _you_ been up to?"

I had no idea what she was talking about, and told her so.

But apparently she must have thought I was lying, because she went, "No, don't use that coy, innocent act of yours Pips. You can't pull that off when you have HICKEYS ON YOUR NECK."

I blinked up at her in confusion, while Sofia gasped loudly. "Wait, Pippa has hickeys! Let me see!" Then she it seems she got a good look and my neck and she whistled. "Holy crap, Pippa, what'd you do, get mauled by a thestral?"

It was then that I realized what they were talking about, and since I'm not very good at confrontation, I started blushing. "No," I said self-consciously. "I didn't get mauled by anything. I merely… um... ran into a door."

Lily and Sofia both gave me a look that told me they didn't believe a word I was saying, and just as Lily opened her mouth to tell me something, Remus and Sirius walked over to our table.

"Hey guys," Remus greeted. "What's up?"

"Pippa's got _hickeys_," Sofia said instead of answering his question.

Remus's eyes about bugged out of his head. "Hickeys?"

"Hickeys," Lily confirmed.

Then someone down the table asked, "Whoa, who's got hickeys!"

Before someone could answer again that I had hickeys –how did I not realize what they _were_!- I about wailed, "I don't have hickeys! I'm telling you, I ran into a-"

"Door," Sirius finished for me. "She ran into a door. It was actually pretty funny. You should have seen it.

It was quiet for a moment before Sofia smiled coquettishly at him. "And you were with her when she… ran into this door?"

"Well, yea," he said. "It was yesterday, when she went to the library…"

"Aha!" Sofia said, just as Lily shouted, "I knew it! I KNEW YOU TWO SNOGGED!"

The entire Great Hall went quiet and stared over at us. "I…um… got to go and change my shirt," I said after a moment, and then got up from my seat. I was still in earshot when I heard Sirius go, "You guys are complete asses."

I was almost to my dorm when I felt someone grab my wrist. I looked up and saw Sirius towering over me with that look that never fails to make me want to figure it out.

Blame it on my Ravenclawy need to know everything. Please.

…

Anyway, I looked up at him and he was giving me The Look. He seemed like he wanted to say something to me, but instead he opted for pulling down the neck of my sweater.

My breath caught, and he asked gently, "Did I do that?"

I nodded because that was the only thing I could do.

"Hmm," he said, sounding bemused and almost self-loathing. "I've never lost control like that before. I'm sorry."

And then he leaned down and kissed my neck where the hickeys were.

…

Yes, I get that you're probably thinking that that was all sweet and everything, but let me tell you, it didn't feel sweet. It felt… well, I kind of felt like he was setting me on fire.

Does that make any sense? Can it feel like someone is setting you on fire by just pressing their lips to your lovebitten neck?

Whatever. All I know is that just as I was starting to react to whatever was going on, I was cut off by Sirius asking me, "What are you doing today?"

Then it hit me that I was standing in the middle of the corridor with the mouth of a boy I'm not very sure I like on my neck and a sweater plastered to my front by milk. So I said the only thing I _could_ say. "Um…"

And then I bolted to my common room and changed my shirt, and then ran to here –he wasn't standing where I left him, thank MERLIN- and now I'm, well, here.

…

…

I think he was propositioning me.

…

**Great Hall  
1:32 PM**

As if my life couldn't get any worse, I just received the following letter from my mother:

_Pippa, dearest!_

_You never responded to my last letter. I was afraid you were taken up by a lesbianic cult to the depth of the forest, at least until I told your father of my fears and he told me that there aren't any lesbianic cults near Hogwarts, those are all in Sussex. And then I remembered that we already talked about you and your non-lesbian ways and the fact that you have a –reportedly- _very_ attractive young boyfriend. _

_Speaking of which, your father and I have decided to invite the young man over for a couple days during the holidays. It would give us the chance to meet him and determine whether or not he's evil and kills chickens in his backyard, and it would also let me see if he's as cute as everyone says he is._

_Also, it would let us see if he's a good enough young man for you._

_Though I'm not too worried about that. I mean, it's not like you would date a guy who was just after your sacred feminine core or your family connections._

_Oh, tee hee! I just realized that those two things probably shouldn't have gone into the same sentence. Well, you know what they say. "Incest is best," and all that rot._

_Well, dear, please remember to write. I want to make sure the house elves aren't pilching your panties like they did in this one inn your father and I stayed in on vacation –although, now that I think of it, it could have been the concierge. He did seem rather interested in my behind, and he _was_ a troll. Eh, no matter. They were just the edible kind your father bought my for Christmas last year- and your father wants to make sure that your chest hasn't grown any larger. If so, he'll have to fight more people to stay away from your little maidenhead!_

_Love you much,_

_Hugs hugs, kiss kiss_

_Mum_

…

She wants me to bring my boyfriend that I no longer home for the holidays, however…

I'M NOT DATING HIM ANYMORE!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

**1:36 PM**

Also, have I mentioned how much of a freak my mother is? Because she is. She really, really is.

Edible panties.

Honestly.

_Honestly._

Some things you're just not supposed to know about your mother.

**Common Room  
9:12 PM**

So anyway, I was sitting in the library, minding my own P's and Q's, when Lily came up and asked me what was wrong.

I guess she thought I was upset over the whole hickeys thing, so when I showed her my mom's letter, she gave me a funny look.

"I don't get it," she said, while I moped around.

"I'm not dating him anymore," I told her. "I'm not dating _anyone_, so she's going to assume I'm either a loser or a lesbian, and really, I'm not looking forward to either of them."

She gave me another one of those looks. "So it's not about the hickeys thing?"

I shook my head. "No."

"Ok." We sat around in silence for a while, until she finally broke out with, "So just have someone pose as your boyfriend."

I looked at her like she was looking at me not a few moments before. "For some reason, I don't think that's going to happen."

She shrugged. "Why don't you have the guy who went all vampy on your ass go?"

I went very still, picturing Sirius meeting my parents. It was such a horrifying thought that I couldn't help but rush out, "That's _definately_ not going to happen." There were a couple more moments of silence before I finally suggested I ask Remus.

Lily then went psychotic and started yelping that I made passionate out with Remus Lupin and that I was living many girl's fantasies.

I finally had to shut up her up because she was squealing so loud that Madame Pince -i.e old HAG- was glaring at us and giving us the look of, "I have the authority to KICK YOU OUT!"

"I didn't make out with Remus!" I hissed, and immediately her look changed.

"Then who DID you snog?"

I blushed and looked away. "I'd rather not talk about that."

"Fine," she said, and it was quiet again.

After that, she started listing off all the reasons why I should bring Remus. He's a nice boy that won't think anything untoward is going on. He's cute enough that my mom won't think that I'm a lesbian but not threatening so my father won't think he's just trying to get to my "sacred flower". Plus, he's just a really nice, easy going guy that I could spend a couple of days with and not worry about anything... happening.

If this conversation had taken place back when I still had my monsterous crush on him... I have no idea what the heck might have happened.

Anyway, essentially we're thinking this is the best course of action.

I just hope this doesn't cause anymore problems.

…

It won't, right?

…

Right?

* * *

**Disclaimer: **I would like to rape Sirius Black –he's very dishy, in my mind- however… he's not real and I am not his creator.

**Author's Note:** OoOoOooOoOh! Looks like I've finally updated! Whoa, I say. WHOA!

And it also looks like this pitiful romance has finally developed some sort of plot. Oh dear, I say. OH DEAR!

But anyway. The reason why I need an outgoing Lily will soon be made apparent, and you'll all be like, "whoa, she's awesome."

But until then, I leave you with the taste of what's going on at my hizzy tomorrow.

Essentially, I'm inviting a whole bunch of people over to my house to watch Mulan and eat Ramen noodles. Only everyone who shows up has to bring a costume –I myself am going as a duck hunter. Thank the lord I have a rubber ducky collection and a rubber chicken- otherwise I get to dress them up. –grins evily- And after we're done eating and watching Mulan, I've going to force everyone into an ass shaking competition and a duck duck goose tournament and OH SWEET JESUS I AM THE BEST PARTY PLANNER EVER!

Except, you know, for the professional ones.

Er…

Anyway, I hope you liked the chapter and you are ever more enthralled by the trials and tribulations of the neurotic Pippa Rightwing.

Amy… I LOVE YOU! –dies-

And ignore the typos please. I'm a lazy idiot and don't feel like changing them.

**-Melissa**


	15. I am NOT Friendless!

**November 28  
Common Room  
8:37 AM**

Oh dear. It does appear as if I need to find a way to ask Remus Lupin out.

…

You know, in my fantasies, this isn't how I pictured this happening. Instead of me asking him to pretend to be my boyfriend, he'd lead me down to the lake and share his innermost secrets with me before kissing me gently and telling me that I'm the perfect person for him and that we'd be great together and wouldn't it be nice if we started to share our life together?

…

Notice how none of those things involve meeting my parents.

My crazy, insane, psychotic parents.

…

Looking back, I think I can see why I turned out the way that I did.

And as if that wasn't enough, I have to go into the great hall when everyone knows that I have hickeys on my neck. Huge, giant hickeys that are starting to turn a festive yellow and green color.

I am a Christmas tree.

…

I hate myself.

**Great Hall  
9:12 AM**

How am I going to even do this?

"Oh Remus, the previous love of my life, would you do me the honor of accompanying me to my humble abode where you would meet my insane parents and pretend to be my lover?"

…

Yea, I didn't think that would work either.

"Remus, go with me to my parents house?" (This would be said with an innocent look on my face.)

Speaking of innocent, am I even considered it anymore after the attack of Sirius' lips?

…

No, I rather thought not.

…

Damn. Pretty much I think I'm going to panic and beg and plead and since he's Remus and not a total jerk he'll say yes.

…

I hope.

…

Gah, Lily's waving me over.

And now I'm walking and writing and it's very hard to do and I hope I don't bump into anyone 'cause that would be bad as everyone already thinks I'm Pippa the Wonder Slut.

…

Yay! I made it to the Gryffindor table without bumping into anyone or spilling anything. All I managed to do was write in very poor handwriting.

Which, considering what could have happened, it isn't so bad.

"You know, Pippa, there's only so much energy I have in the morning, and wasting it on waving you over when I could be eating doesn't seem like such a good idea. So…you should just sit with us from now on."

I love Lily in all her red headed glory. She has now ensured that I'll get to sit with people that like me as opposed to the people who hate me from my own house.

And I think that I'll be able to ask Remus to come to my house without crapping myself, and I'm pretty sure he'll say yes.

Life is good.

Now, I think I shall brave some eggs.

**Gryffindor Girl's Dormitory **

**9:53 AM**

So you know when I said life was good?

Um, yea I lied.

'Cause I had conveniently forgotten that I have Slytherin ex-boyfriend. Who, you know, hates me, and would like very much for me to suffer.

And suffer I did, as that bounder is a complete freaking asspumpkin and needs to be institutionalized.

And yes, I realize that that is the most swearing I've ever done in an entire sentence, but seriously, what kind of an arsehole likes to torture a girl who's so short that her giant breasts make her body so unproportional that she becomes clumsy?

Seriously, I hate him more than I've ever hated anyone in my entire life. I hate him more than I hated Snape or Black or Rowania or anyone else in my entire life.

And I suppose you'd like to be informed as to why I hate him so much. Well, I think it must have something to do with the fact that he just ASSAULTED me in front of the entire student body.

Seriously.

I was just sitting next Peter and Sofia with Lily sitting in front of me (the table was a lot more crowded today for some reason) eating some eggs and generally feeling like a sixteen year old girl SHOULD feel, when all of a sudden I hear behind me, "Turn around, you whorish will-o'-the-wisp!"

So me being me, I did.

Only, you know, I wasn't _thinking_.

Because if I was, I _obviously_ wouldn't have turned around at the sound of my ex boyfriend saying mean words in a_ very_ angry voice.

But I'm an idiot.

So I turned around, and I see Lucius standing there being all, you know, _evil_. And Snape is standing next to him, looking like my pain and discomfort was going to make him the happiest he's ever been in entire life. And behind them are these two huge GIANT fat guys who I know to be Goyle and Crabbe. And there are a lot of people behind them. You know, maybe THE ENTIRE HOUSE OF SLYTHERIN.

And they're all looking at me like I'm the biggest bitch to ever humiliate Hogwarts.

So since I'm obviously stupid and Pippa Rightwing, I look at them and say, "Um…dur?"

And then all Hell breaks loose.

The next thing I know, every single person in Slytherin house is _throwing_ things at me.

Seriously.

There were shoes and paper and tomatoes and a shovel and a bottle of ink and some cups and bacon and nametags and scarves and water and something smelly that I rather thing came out of an animal and cigarettes and rocks and grass and a sneakscope and anything else you could ever think to throw at someone.

And as if THAT wasn't bad enough, things got worse.

Mmhmm. You'd think that having everything humanly possible thrown at a person would be good enough, but apparently not for Pippa Rightwing. Oh no.

'Cause people tend to think that I need to feel small and like a bad person as well as smelling like the inside of a closet that hasn't been cleaned or aired out in a while.

And so then people started _yelling_ at me. And calling me names. And telling me that I'm a worthless human being. And that I'm just a waste of human space. And, you know, everything else that someone would never liked to be called or hear someone say about them.

And then it went deadly quiet with the wave of Lucius EvilPants' hand and everyone moved away except for Lucius and Snape. And my evil ex leaned in close to me and said, "I do repent the tedious moments I had with you spent. The only reason I condescended to spend time with a worthless toerag like you is because of your parents. You're not even worth dating on your _own, _you slanderous_-_"

Only before he can finish, he's thrown upside down as well as Snape and a few near Slytherins. And then I hear, "Do you want to finish that sentence, arsehole?"

And I look to the left and there's the Marauders standing next to each other looking like they're ready to kick some major arse.

"PUT ME DOWN, BLACK!" Lucius yelled, and twitched his legs in protest. Or rather, I think he yelled, only it was muffled by the robes covering his face.

"Um…no," Sirius said, looking extremely dangerous, "I rather don't think I will."

Then James piped up with a, "Hey Snape? Doesn't this seem a bit _familiar?_" And then I noticed that I could see scrawny, pale legs that looked nothing like the muscular legs of my ex-boyfriend.

And a pair of discolored underwear.

But before I could become too disgusted and entranced Remus said in the most animalistic voice I've heard in my entire life, "Think tormenting a helpless young girl is a fun way to spend your time Goyle? Why don't you spend time picking on someone your _own_ size." And with these words, Goyle shot into the other fat bugle dangling in the air, Crabbe.

"HaHA!" Peter giggled, and did an odd sort of jig. "Fatty made a FUNNY!" And then Crabbe and Goyle started twirling around and around in the air.

Meanwhile, there is complete chaos going down in the Great Hall. All the students except for Slytherin house are laughing their arses off and yelling out encouragements, some house elves are running around taking bets, and the teachers are conveniently NOT THERE.

Seriously.

Just…NOT THERE.

Which meant that while everyone except for the Slytherins were having a good time, the House in question were doing either one of three things. A) Trying in vain to shut people up, B) Getting throw upside down by other people, or C) Running to get away for the hex that would turn them upside down.

Most people were doing the third option, but they weren't really fast enough, and pretty soon most of Slytherin house was hanging in the air like floppy fish.

And then who appears in front of me to bring me back to my senses?

Um, yea, my former best friend, Lea Braun.

Who looks more than ready to beat my face in with a large, pointy shoe in her hand. "You!" She said, waving the footwear at me. "You started all this! You stupid freak! You're not even worth all of this chaos! I've never seen anything like this except for this one time at Quidditch Camp when everyone started freaking out over the really hot instructor and everyone tried to jump his bones at the same time! ONLY YOU'RE NOT EVEN HOT! YOU DON'T DESERVE CHAOS! YOU DON'T DESERVE ALL OF THIS ATTENTION! YOU'RE JUST A STUPID LITTLE GIRL WHO SHOULDN'T EVEN-"

Her tirade was cutoff by a fist flying into her face.

"Merlin's Beard," Lily said, stepping next to me and waving her hand like it's in pain. Which I can understand, since she'd just PUNCHED SOMEONE IN THE FACE. "What a bitch."

"Seriously," Sofia said, kicking her in the ribs a little. "What deep, dark place did _she_ come from?"

"A Hufflepuff mother and a Slytherin father," I said numbly, looking at the bedlam going on around me.

Lily and Sofia nodded their heads like this made sense.

Sofia opened her mouth to say something, but it was cut off by a loud voice yelling, "You stay away from her from now on, OK asshat?" And then Lucius fell to the ground.

Only instead of it being Sirius who said this -which I could kind of understand him doing- it was James.

There was the sound of all the other Slytherins falling to the ground in inelegant heaps.

Then there was the sound of all the Slytherins running out of the Great Hall.

And then there was the sound of absolute silence.

Or well, you know, absolute silence mixed in with the sound of Sofia's light kicks to Lea.

…

Which should probably make me feel bad.

An ex-friend of mine getting kicked in the stomach, I mean.

Only for some reason, I didn't.

But I still said, "Sofia, stop kicking her in the stomach. She may be evil, but she doesn't deserve internal bleeding."

Sofia stopped, but she grumbled, "That's _your_ opinion."

And then we were surrounded by four boys who had just single-handedly kicked the stuffing out of the Slytherin House pride.

"Holy shit!" Peter yelled, punching the air. "I feel _amazing_."

Remus grimaced. "I feel unclean."

"I feel accomplished," James said, brushing a hand in his hair.

Everyone looked at Sirius, waiting for him to tell everyone how he felt. Only instead he looked at me and asked quietly, "Are you OK?"

I looked up at him. And felt a smile blooming on my face.

Seriously.

Just a huge, _freaking_ smile on my face.

And then the next thing I know, I'm hugging Sirius Black.

Honestly.

HUGGING HIM.

"I'll take it that that means you are?"

I'm just about to say yes, when I hear Lily and James going at it.

"What the hell _was_ that, Potter? You think that you can go and be all heroic for my friend and then I'll date you?"

"No," he answered, looking pissed behind his glasses. "Believe it or not Lily, my life doesn't revolve around pining after you. You've made your thoughts about me perfectly clear in the past, and really, there's only so much rejection I can put up with before a guy goes completely psycho."

"And that's what you are! You just beat the shit out of every Slytherin and all to get my attention! You're so pathetic and-"

"Do _not_," he said, stepping really close to her, "call me pathetic, Lily Evans. At least I've admitted to my feelings, and here you are hiding behind them." Lily scoffed and opened her mouth to say something, but James cut her off. "And just so you know, I did this for _my_ friend, not yours. That," he pointed to Sirius, "is my best friend. And _that_," he pointed to me, "is the girl that he likes. And when I see the girl my best mate fancies getting made fun of and looking too afraid to do anything about it, I'm not going to just stand there and watch it happen. BECAUSE I AM NOT A COWARD!

And then he planted the biggest, most passionate kiss I've ever seen in person –well, you know, what I mean. 'Cause I had a passionate kiss once, but I didn't _see_ it, I lived it, so I really don't think that qualifies. Or does it? Eh…- on her lips before storming away.

The Great Hall was quiet for a moment, with me still in Sirius's arms and Lily with her hand to her mouth looking dazed. And then Sofia ruined it all by going, "Well, damn. Everyone's got some sort of affection going on and I'm all alone."

She was looking at Remus as she said this, but it was Peter who ran over and tried to kiss her. (He was slapped for his efforts.)

And then the teachers walked in and started eating their breakfast.

And then Lily –still looking stunned-, Sofia –looking annoyed-, Remus –looking… like Remus-, Peter –looking disgruntled-, Sirius –looking like he was trying not to laugh- and me –looking… I don't know- walked up to the Gryffindor Common Room.

Sirius, Remus, and Peter all walked up to the Boy's Dormitory, probably to talk to James about him snogging Lily, and Lily, Sofia and I all walked up to the Girl's to… do what it is we girls do best.

Obsess about everything.

In _great _detail.

Sofia started obsessing over the almost kiss by Peter –which is enough to make ANYONE rethink their entire life- and Lily obsessed about the kiss with James, while I obsessed about… well, everything I just told you.

And mostly about how I hugged Sirius like my life depended on it.

…

Seriously.

I just _hugged_ him. I mean, yea, we've snogged and he's kissed my neck and given me hickeys, but that's always been something _he's_ done. _I've_ never instigated anything.

Well, unless you want to count me touching his face after the fight with James on the Quidditch Pitch. But he looked like he was in pain, and you know me; I can't let an animal suffer, even when it's a slightly perverted young man with a penchant for teaching Slytherin boys lessons.

…

So yea.

…

I'm feeling rather… confused right now.

Which I'm sure you can see, since I'm just rambling in here, doing nothing productive. Lily's laying in her bed staring up at the curtains of her bed, looking deep in thought, and Sofia's painting her toenails and reading a Witch Weekly magazine.

And I'm just here… writing away. Wondering how I'm supposed to ask Remus to come to my parent's house when really I'm thinking of asking…

…

I think you know who.

But seriously? What's wrong with me! One minute I hate him and the next I'm thinking about asking him over to meet my family. One minute I'm wondering the best way to avoid him and the next he's got his tongue in my mouth working a different type of magic.

WHY AM I SO CONFUSING?

Gah.

Thank Merlin I'm ditching today, otherwise I would be fixating on this the entire day and not my school work.

…

But seriously though. Everyone in Slytherin house hates me. HATES ME. Lucius and Snape and most of the other Slytherin boys have had their nether bits exposed to the air –covered by underwear, but still- and dangled around a bit.

And if I didn't think there'd be repercussions, then I would be an idiot.

And people in the Great Hall were just like…_staring_ at me. They didn't really do anything to help me, but they didn't throw stuff at me either. So apparently I'm not hated anymore, just…ignored.

Which I can deal with, since I'm pretty sure everyone in Slytherin House wants me dead or worse.

And I _hugged_ Sirius Black for no reason other than he basically came to my rescue and was my own person hero.

Although, now that I think of it, isn't such a bad thing to hug a person over.

'Cause it's not like you hugged them 'cause they copied your Divination homework, or because they impregnated your teacher. 'Cause, you know, those would be odd things to hug a person over.

…

Unless you hated the teacher and since they were on maternity leave they weren't at school and you didn't have to deal with them 'cause they were pushing something the size of a watermelon out of a hole that a worm could live in.

…

That's disgusting. Why am I even thinking about this?

I fell…unclean.

…

And slightly confused.

'Cause that's something I heard my mother say once, and if you really _did_ have to get a watermelon through a hole for a worm, that would _hurt_.

A lot.

…

…

…

Owie.

…

I am never having children.

**Gryffindor Girl's Dormitory**

**10:32 AM**

I would be the worst parent ever.

Seriously.

I'm so messed up that I would undoubtedly continue the crazy gene on to my unsuspecting offspring.

And can you imagine what would happen to my poor _husband_?

It's not enough that he would have to put up with me all the time, but he'd have to put up with our perfect hellions.

Er…children.

…

Have I ever mentioned that I don't get along with children?

Seriously.

They tend to recognize me as non-threatening and then they take advantage of me and my naiveté.

…

I wish I wasn't so gullible.

Or innocent, for that matter.

'Cause then I wouldn't be obsessing over ONE LITTLE HUG.

It's just a hug! It's insignificant, really, on the grand scale of intimate doings. It's not as intimate, say, as having someone's mouth on your hickeys. Or someone's tongue in your mouth. Or someone's hand up your shirt. Or your hand up someone's shirt. Or your hand on someone's rock solid stomach. Or your hand in someone's hair. Or-

I AM A WANTON.

A COMPLETE AND UTTER WANTON.

**Broom Closet**

**2:43 PM**

I bet you're wondering how I got from calling myself a wanton to hiding in a broom closet, the number one place for whorish activities.

Well…

I don't really want to tell you.

This day has been odd enough, thank you, and I've written a lot today. About how I was pelted with all sorts of odd things and then yelled at by a former best friend and then found out that the only reason Lucius Malfoy dated me was because he was after my family connections.

I don't need to tell you the story of how I asked Sirius Black to come to my parent's house in exactly two weeks and three days.

Or how he's agreed.

Or how I think James, Remus, Peter and I are now friends.

…

'Cause that's not really that interesting of a story.

At all.

In fact, I tend to think that it's inconsequential. Boring. Un-mention worthy.

…

…

…

…

OK, you've wormed –I AM NEVER HAVING CHILDREN- it out of me. I will tell you –quickly- how it came to be that I am hiding in a closet.

So I finally took a shower and got dressed in a clean uniform –it feels odd being a Gryffindor, I can tell you that- and Sofia and I decided it would be swell to leave Lily to wallow in self-pity. (This is how Sofia does things. Apparently, when Lily's stressing, she likes her space). So we went downstairs and were just hanging out by some chairs near the fire.

And we're just minding our own business, talking about this or that, when all of a sudden we're surrounded by four boys who, apparently, have ditched as well.

"James kissed Lily," Peter said as he sat on the floor in front of the fire.

Sofia rolled her eyes and said, "Thank you, Commodore Obvious," while James told him to shut up.

"It was quite… spontaneous," Remus agreed, and settled in front of the chair I was sitting in.

"Mostly I think you were just getting rid of sexual tension," said Sirius as he sat on the edge of my chair. Then he smiled at me and said, "Hi," before passing handing me a note.

I raised an eyebrow at him and he just shook his head, motioning for me to read it later.

And then we just started talking and having rational conversations.

Or rather, as rational a conversation can get when you're talking about boys wearing toenail polish and thunderstorms and underwear and music and broom flying kits and Quidditch and the burn stubble makes around a girl's mouth after you kiss them –Sofia started this one, and it must be shared that the boys had _no_ idea that this actually happens, or that it hurts- and lots of other strange things, and the greatest part is, I joined in on _all_ of the conversations.

Seriously. I talked and shared an opinion on _all _of these things, no matter how embarrassed I may have felt or how little I new about the subject or anything like that.

And it's all because I was _comfortable_ enough to be myself.

I was honest about everything I said today, and it actually seemed as if people liked me and they were actually interested in what I had to say. (Sofia has already made me feel this way, so she doesn't really count in this. But you know what I mean.)

Even _James_ laughed at some of the things I said, and he even agreed with me on stuff. I called Peter creepy and he bit my leg! (It's not as… weird as I make this sound. … I think.) I actually taught Remus a new word. I had an actual conversation with Sirius that didn't leave me feeling confused or bothered or angry or _anything_ other than perfectly normal.

So when I finally got around to reading the note he gave me, I was feeling pretty good. And I felt even _better_ after I read what he had written.

**_You are _not _a waste of human space. _**

After I read those words, I found myself doing something I had told my self over and over I would never do.

I invited Sirius Black over to my house for the holidays.

Seriously.

I just… asked him if we could talk, and he followed me out of the Common Room with a look I can only call panicky. I pulled him over in front of the closet I am sitting in right now, and looked up at him and said, "Um… you see… Would you… That is to say, _would _you…" He gave me the universal look of 'what the hell are you trying to say?' "Wouldyougotomyhouseforthewinterholiday?"

Apparently he didn't hear what I said, because he asked, "What?"

And so I had no choice but I say, "Would you like to go to my house for the holidays? I mean, I can't see why you would want to, as it's going to be long and boring and all of my crazy relatives are going to be there and they're going to make odd comments and be obnoxious and there's really nothing to _do_ there except for sit around and do nothing and play parlor games and you know what? This is actually going to be really boring and you probably don't even _want_ to go and pretend to be my boyfriend for me, which is OK and all, although she's going to think I'm a lesbian again and there're going to be some embarrassing questions asked and so really, I can see why you wouldn't _want_ to go-"

He cut me off by smiling. "So…you want me to go to your house for the holidays?"

I felt my cheeks flush. "Well… yea."

"And you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend for you so your parents don't think you're a lesbian?"

My face was practically _burning_. "That is the general idea, yes."

He started grinning. "As soon as they see us, together, Cupcake, they're going to know you're not a lesbian."

I blinked up at him. "So…you'll go?"

He nodded and leaned down. "Yea, I'll go." And then his mouth was just a little bit away from mine, and I knew that he was going to kiss me and I wasn't thinking that that was going to be a bad thing, when we heard the unmistakable sound of classes letting out.

"Oh," I said a bit dazedly, while Sirius said a very ungentlemanly curse.

And then the next thing I know, Sirius is pulling me into the broom closet and I'm enveloped in darkness.

With a very warm, male body that goes by the name of Sirius Black.

…

Oh, did I forget to mention that he's in here with me?

I did? Huh, well then. That's not very good. Apparently I'm going senile in my old age.

Of sixteen.

…

…

So yea.

…

He's just…sitting next to me. Writing in something that appears to be A JOURNAL.

Yes, a journal.

SIRIUS BLACK KEEPS A JOURNAL.

…

This is so strange.

…

I'm just sitting in a broom closet with a guy that almost just kissed me senseless, and I can't help but WRITE IN THIS DAMN DIARY.

Is that sad or what? Any other girl my age would be jumping for joy at being this close to the legendary Mr. Black, and what am I doing? Oh, yea, WRITING AWAY IN A JOURNAL.

…

I am such a sad person.

…

But apparently Sirius is as well, as he's writing too. Seriously. He's just…sitting next to me, with his thigh up against mine, writing with his very nice, large hands and not coming on to me or anything.

…

WAIT A MINUTE.

I've never really talked to him before –kissed him, yelled at him, ignored him, yes- and the one day that I actually have a normal conversation with him he just seems UNINTERESTED.

Does this mean he's not interested anymore?

Am I no longer desirable to him?

I mean, yes, he did say he would come to my parent's house with me, and we did share a moment, and he did almost kiss me out there. Or at least, it _seemed_ as if he was going to kiss me. Maybe he wasn't. Maybe he was going to lean in and tell me that he was joking and that didn't want to go with me, or maybe he was going to, I dunno, sniff me or something.

Although I can't see him sniffing me.

'Cause that's, you know, _strange_.

And when I think of Sirius Black, I don't really think of _strange._

Overbearing, yes. Domineering, yes. Arrogant, perverted, morally inept, callous, funny, intelligent, mildly dangerous, yes yes yes.

But strange isn't one of them.

…

Maybe I'm the strange one.

Maybe all he feels is the same compulsion to write all the time, as much as he can, until his hand cramps up.

Or maybe he just doesn't want to talk to me.

…

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME THAT PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME? WHY DO PEOPLE HATE ME THIS MUCH? IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME? AM I REALLY THAT UNINTERESTING? AM I-?

"What to play Twenty Questions?"

…

That was good timing.

…

"Um… sure."

He's put aside his notebook and he's looking up at the ceiling contemplatively. "What's your favorite word?"

"Er… mannequin. Yours?"

"Doggedly. Favorite color?"

"Yellow. Yours?"

"Dark blue. Favorite food?"

…

Dammit.

"This is a question that takes a lot of thinking, actually."

He looks intrigued. "Why?"

I shrug. "'Cause I'm a seriously picky eater. I can't seem to find _one_ type of food that I like all the time. Except for bread. It's not like you can really mess up a nice loaf of bread."

Now he's looking very amused. "You're a picky eater?"

"Well… yea."

He looks contemplative again, so I ask him, "What's your favorite girl's name?"

He gives me a crooked smile. "Pippa."

I roll my eyes, but smile, and nudge him with my elbow. "You're funny," I say sarcastically.

"Yea, and I'm adorable too."

…

"But not as adorable as you."

…

…

What am I supposed to say to that?

…

…

Well, apparently I'm not supposed to say anything, as he's leaning over to me and his head is descending, and I'm not going to-

**Common Room  
****5:03 PM**

How it that he manages to get me detention literally like EVERY OTHER WEEK?

Seriously? HOW DOES HE DO IT!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

…

…

And no, I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that McGonagall walked in on us in an ALMOST compromising position in a broom closet. I think it has everything to do with the fact that he is Sirius Black and McGonagall follows him _everywhere _and hears _everything_, and so she just happened to know that the starter of today's fiasco in the Great Hall was hiding in a broom closet with a girl he was about to snog senseless.

…

Even though the started of the fiasco was the entire Slytherin house.

…

…

I HAVE DETENTION FOR TWO WEEKS.

…

MY LIFE SUCKS.

…

Although now I don't need to worry about bringing a guy to my parent's house, as I've already got one enlisted.

…

Although said boy may bring more problems rather than get rid of some.

…

My life is so confusing.

* * *

**Disclaimer:** I am not JK Rowling, but I do occasionally fantasize about a certain Marauder.

**Author's Note: **So, hey, hi, how ya doing? Yea this update took a lot longer than expected to get up, but I made it like…twice as long (word wise) so that should make up for something. Even though I don't really like this chapter much, as it's not particularly funny. But it's set into motion a whole other set of events. This story as we know it will change!

But for the better, since we know I'm amazing.

But anyway. **I have a proposition for you! You lovely readers are now being challenged for a prize of being in the story. AS PIPPA'S AMAZING RELATIVES!** All you have to do is tell me who you think (actors, actresses, models, real people, etc.) would play Pippa, Sirius, Lily, Sofia, or anyone else you like from this story in a movie, AND THEN YOU GET INTO THE STORY! YAY! (this sounds confusing the way I worded that but basically…find me pictures of who you see as the four people up thur or anyone else! and you get into the fic. YAY!) Doesn't that sound fun! Leave a contact address when you go into the contest so I can get info about you so you can be in it.

And seriously dudes, you should do this. 'Cause a) I like to get readers involved, and B) I need the characters so I can write the next chapter. So… there ya go. Incentive enough?

And another thing! I have a LIVEJOURNAL! And you can talk to me! 'CAUSE I'M AMAZING! My name is **1stofthegeeks** and if you have an LJ you should friend me 'cause I'm new and you're nice people and I'm a nice person and we can be NICE TOGETHER!

YAY!

Now. Find some pictures and be amazing, and tell me whether or not you liked the chapter. 'Cause I'd like to know if you like with this story is going, or if you hate it.

Oh, and forget the typos, even though there are a lot of them. I'm lazy. :-P

**Melissa**


	16. I am NOT Strange!

**November 29  
****History of Magic Classroom  
****11:06 AM**

This is a horrible way to start the first day of my new life.

So I woke up to the sound of rain hitting the window ever so gently and the smell of a roaring fire in the hearth and content thoughts of my new life floating around my head.

Sounds peaceful, doesn't it?

Only it was TOO peaceful. There were no screaming girls running around stinking up the room with their smell girly smell of girl. No boys scratching their nether bits in my ear all the while belching the ABC's. (This shouldn't happen, by the way, as I'm in Ravenclaw and we're supposed to be more mature, but boys will be boys, I suppose.) There were no people drawing on my face in ink. (For future reference, this sucks. Like… badly.)

Essentially, I was alone.

Essentially, no one hates me enough to do any damage to my person.

Essentially, I had WOKEN UP LATE.

…

Is it wrong that I have become used to my alarm clock being an attack upon my person or my morals?

…

ANYWAYS! I've missed breakfast. And while I'm not so upset that I missed disgusting Food of the House Elves, or the murderous looks of the Slytherins, I AM sad that I missed conversations with Lily and Sofia and the Marauders and Sirius.

Although Sirius IS part of the Marauders.

…

Though of COURSE I was referring to him separately because they were fighting. The Marauders and Sirius, I mean.

So… there ya go.

…

…

I was upset that I didn't get to see if yesterday was a hallucination brought on by stress and getting dog feces thrown at me.

Which, while we're on the subject, is DISGUSTING.

Like… seriously, seriously, SERIOUSLY disgusting.

My next boyfriend isn't going to even LIKE dogs, let alone throw their doodoo at people.

…

I hope.

…

Unless, of course, I prove my mother right and just become a lesbian. In which case, I wouldn't have to worry about men at all.

Just, you know… a crazy girlfriend.

You know, I'm gonna be honest with you, I don't think I could ever date a girl. Because they're hormonal. And scream a lot. And act all girly.

…

Which, you know, makes sense.

Acting like a girl, I mean.

'Cause they ARE girls.

…

Girls are Girly.

…

…

Why am I in Ravenclaw?

…

…

I'm not gonna lie, I don't really see what the big deal about girls are anyway. I mean, yea, I am one, but I don't want to DO one. I've got my own breasts, why would I want someone else's shoved into my hands?

…

Not that there's anything wrong with that. I mean, just because I PERSONALLY wouldn't want, 'velvety plump playthings,' –oh sweet Merlin, Sofia has some interesting books- thrust at me doesn't mean anyone else wouldn't.

Just... you know… I'd rather have a man's nether bits shoved at me.

…

GAH!

I can't win, can I?

Even when talking to MYSELF I sound like a whore.

A DIRTY, DIRTY WHORE.

…

It's no wonder people don't want to wake me up.

They're probably afraid I'm going to throw myself at them and try and get at their dangly bits.

…

GAH!

…

I'm just going to shut up now.

**Great Hall  
****1:32 PM**

OK. So I asked you to my parent's house for the holidays. So what?

THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE AT ME ALL THROUGH LUNCH.

Blarg!

All I want to do is eat my chicken sandwich. Is that so much to ask?

(This sandwich, by the way, tastes like sawdust. But he doesn't need to know that- he'll just think I'm eating it to keep my mind off of him. Which I'm NOT.)

(Bounder.)

Anywubbly, I'm just gonna say that this lunch dealy is kind of awkward. Not just because Sirius is staring at me with The Look on his face again and not saying ANYTHING and just generally making me feel like I've got something on my face, but also because Lily is sitting next to me writing, "Potter" with her green beans.

…

Now, normally I would be a bit afraid, but since she recently had his tongue in her mouth, I can sympathize with her need to write his name. Though I would assume she would want to write something along the lines of, "Die Potter, DIE!", but, you know, whatever.

Maybe it's a new form of voodoo.

Where you just write their name and something bad happens to them.

…

Lets see if it works, shall we?

_**SEVERUS SNAPE.**_

Lets give it a few moments, shall we?

…

…

…

Do dee do de Doo.

…

…

"Your blood is a communist/It makes me want to steal it for my lebensraum/"Red flag, RED FLAG!" The Communist Manifestos

(This is from one of my mum's new 'Quidditch Pitch bands'. Or, as I like to call them, pieces of crap. Pieces of DOG CRAP.

THROWN AT MY HEAD.)

…

…

…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Senior Severino just tripped over himself. AND FELL ON HIS BUM.

HahaHA, Mr. Creepypants. My voodoo magic has worked upon your worthless soul. I hope you have a bruise.

A really big one.

In the shape of Hagrid.

On your BUM.

…

HaHa Snape, you've got Hagrid on your bum.

Hope you enjoy all that hair on you Snape.

I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

Oh crap, Sofia just looked over my shoulder to read this and now she's-

_You're really very strange, you know that Pippa?_

Um… no.

_Well… you know now. So glad I could be the one to tell you._

Yea… thanks. Really.

_Oh my sarcastic little Pippa. How I wish to pinch your cheeks all the livelong day._

And I'M the weird one?

_No, you're the STRANGE one. There's a bit of a difference _

… Right.

_Anyhooters, speaking of strange, have you seen Lily?_

Yea, she's just staring off into space writing "Potter" with her food. Do you think she's maybe sick?

_I'm not sure, but I think we're going to need to find out. We can give her some chocolate or candy or a stripper or something to make her feel better. You up for it?_

Stripper!

_You'd be surprised of what those house elves do when they think no one's looking._

……………!

_My brain died too when I found out. But anyway, you up for it?_

Yea, sure. I can bring one of my mum's- wait, I can't. I've got detention.

_What!_

Oh.. heh… yea. Um… well, McGonagall found me and Black in one of the broom closets and-

_**You're a pretty pony! **_

Merlin's Beard, Peter is so strange. I'm surprised-

_You were in a broom closet with Sirius!_

Um… well, yea. But nothing happened. REALLY. McGonagall just walked in and ASSUMED something was going on and- **_You smell like kitty litter!_**- Jeeze, what is it with Peter and animals?

_I'd rather not think of that, if you don't mind. I'd rather get to the topic at hand. You and Sirius! IN A BROOM CLOSET?_

Jeeze! It's not what you think! I had just asked him to my parent's house for the holidays and-

_MERLIN'S PANTIES! How long has this been going on?_

Nothing's going on! I swear! My mum just told me to bring my boyfriend home for the hols and-

_WHAT? BOYFRIEND!_

Stop grabbing this out of my hand and let me finish! My mom said to bring home my boyfriend –who she thinks is LUCIUS, by the way- or else she's going to think I'm a lesbian, and I really don't want to have to deal with that, so I'm having Sirius go with me instead.

_Oh, in that case- **I want to lick you inappropriately.**_

…

…

Sofia just kicked Peter's ass.

And now he's going to have a bruise on him in the shape of Hagrid too.

…

Darn! My voodoo didn't work.

**Common Room  
****11:19 PM**

So Tired.

Want to Sleep.

FOREVER.

* * *

**November 30  
****Great Hall  
****9:15 AM**

So detention yesterday was uninteresting. McGonagall had me tidy up her room while Sirius had to wash the trophies in the trophy room. I think she's starting to get smart and not have us in the same room anymore.

Not that she needs to keep us apart, per say.

Just that she must realize that whenever we're in the same room, he ends up making advances towards me. And that said advances end up with me getting more time spent in detention and bruises on my neck.

…

Yea.

…

Though I found out my grade while I was cleaning. (The parchment fell upon the ground and I NEEDED to pick it up. Otherwise, what kind of morals would my mother have instilled in me? … Shut up.) Apparently, I've got the third highest Transfiguration grade in the sixth year class.

Whoohoo!

…

…

Can you tell I have nothing new to report?

Lily is back to her old self though, thank Merlin. Apparently she was asked out last night by the Ravenclaw Quidditch Captain –I'm not gonna lie... I have no idea who he is- and she's really looking forward to their date later this evening.

They're going to the Astronomy Tower.

…

Evidently, this is a the place for, "making passionate out," as Sofia put it.

Who knew?

You know… besides everyone.

…

Why am I always the last to know things?

**Common Room  
****10:12 PM**

McGonagall's room was very clean tonight –probably because I cleaned it LAST night- so she let me out early.

Whatever. More sleepy time for Pippa.

…

THAT, by the way, would be an adorable children's novel.

Or...you know… it might scar them for life because I'm in it. Pssh, whatever.

…

I need sleep.

* * *

**November 31  
P****otions Classroom  
****1:56 PM**

This class is so much stranger, ever since that escapade with the Slytherins O' Doom.

I mean… it's a lot more hostile.

So hostile, in fact, that Professor Slughorn has been forced to give me a new Potions partner.

I didn't catch her name at all, as she hasn't said one word to me the entire time we've been here. She's been talking to her friends the entire time. Which is a lot worse than getting glared at and having unicorn testicles thrown at me.

(The latter is not one of my finer memories.)

(Obviously.)

**McGonagall's Office  
****9:30 PM**

Gah. I'M SO BORED.

Dumbledore came here a while ago and stole McGonagall away, probably on some teacherly business, and now I'm here all alone being bored out of my mind.

I mean, at least when I had detention with Black I at least had to watch my back. (And skirt. Though that was mostly to make sure he wasn't using the Levitation Spell on it. I've seen many guys do that in the halls to girls they like, and I don't want that to happen to me, thank you very much. So…there ya go. … Was this in any way relevant?)

But now I'm just here… bored out of my mind. And kind of missing Sirius Black, if that's not weird enough.

BLARG!

GAH.

ROAR!

…

I'm an idiot.

A bored, bored little idiot.

…

Sigh.

* * *

**December 9  
****Common Room  
****1:36 AM**

Ok, so it's been a while since I've updated. Though I'm putting that off mostly due to the fact that school has gotten quite hectic –damn you teachers for upping the amount of homework every night just because it's almost the holidays- and because my life has been… well, kind of boring.

Lily has a new 'boy toy' and is stressing out about what she's going to do after school. Sofia's been kind of depressed over having to go home to her family –something I can totally relate to- so she's been holding up in her room with only her cheesy romance novels for company. James and Sirius have Qudditch almost every night, Peter is just strange –He licked my leg and said it tasted like potatoes because it's, "bleach white and lumpy." Now, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to take this, but mostly it weirded me out. So I've been avoiding him. Is that so bad?-, and Remus is just… Remus.

…

That really didn't explain anything, I realize, but if you knew him like I do, you'd understand.

…

…

Whatever. The point of the matter is, I'm finally updating because something even remotely interesting has happened.

…

Though now I'm not really in the mood to share it 'cause I know you're just going to take it the wrong way.

If you promise not to, I'll be happy to tell you.

You promise to be good? You do? Well, ok then…

So I went to McGonagall's office for dentition, only the door was mysteriously locked and there was no McGonagall in sight. So I sat down against the door and waited for her to show up.

Only… I ended up falling asleep.

…

Really, I'd make a terrible spy or guard of any sort.

…

Though really, that's besides the point.

…

Anywubbly, so I fell asleep. And when I woke up, there was still no McGonagall to be seen.

Instead, there was one Sirius Black.

Sitting next to me.

Writing in his journal.

STARING AT ME.

…

I'm not ashamed to say I screamed when I woke up.

"Bloody hell," he said, blinking. "Is that how you always wake up?"

My heart was pounding, as I had memories of waking up the same way only with Severus Snape staring down at me instead of Sirius. "No," I answered breathlessly, checking to make sure my skirt hadn't ridden up. (It had. Dammit. But only a little, thank Merlin.) "I only wake up screaming when there's someone staring down at me."

He laughed. "Then I feel sorry for anyone who you decide to take a nap with, as they're bound to not be able to keep their eyes off you."

Now, I'm not to sure what he meant by that, but it didn't sound very nice. Do I look stupid as I sleep or something? "Oh gee, thanks," I said, and made to sit up from my half-lying position on the floor.

He game me a lopsided grin. "Don't mention it."

I rolled my eyes. "Anyway, why aren't you in your detention?"

"McGonagall wasn't here to give me one," he responded, shrugging.

"Really?" I asked, looking around the corridor. "She wasn't here to give me one either, and the door was locked. I wonder where she could be."

"Last time I saw her, she was walking around with Dumbledore. So I'm really not all that surprised that she's not here."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "What do you mean?"

"Well, they've been doing each other for a while now. So they're probably off having sweaty old people sex."

**XRAWERASDASERASDFEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEW!**

My eyes probably bugled out at this, because his next words were, "What? You honestly had no idea?"

"No," I said, and that's all I could get out before I was racked with shudders.

When I braved to look up at him, he was giving me the look of… whatever. "You know Pippa, it's really not that bad. I mean, yea, they're old, but at least they found someone to be old _with_, you know?"

I blinked up at him for a moment, before coming out with, "Why Sirius Black, are you a _romantic_?"

And no, that wasn't said in a flirtatious tone at all.

AT ALL.

…

I hope.

…

…

ANYWAY! After I said… _that_, Sirius blushed a little and said, "Shut up."

Seriously. He blushed. BLUSHED.

I made Sirius Black blush.

…

I'm not so sure if this is an accomplishment or what. But in any event, I nudged him with my arm and said in a singsongy voice, "Aww, Sirius Black is blushing. And all because I called him a _romantic_? Aww."

He wasn't blushing anymore, but instead chose to roll his eyes. "Shut. Up," He said, enunciating every word. "At least I don't blush at the word _sex_."

I rolled my eyes. "No, you blush at the word _romantic_. And I didn't blush, I merely have virgin ears."

"Virgin, huh?" He asked with a raise of his eyebrow.

I blushed, and said, "Shut up," and he smirked as he knew he won.

We were silent for a little while longer, before he stood up and started stretching. "Anyway, I'm hungry. Want to go and get something to eat?"

I looked up at him with a confused look on my face. "Food? It's the middle of the night. There's no food to be had."

He grinned down at me. "That's what you think. C'mon." And then he held out his hand.

I paused for a moment, looking around the corridor. "She's not coming," he said, as if he could read my mind. "She's out with Dumbledore, remember?"

I stopped for just one more moment before I reached up and took his hand. He pulled me up and then grinned down at me. "And now we run."

"Why?" I asked, trying to disentangle my hand from his.

He rolled his eyes and said, "To feel dangerous, of course."

And then the next thing I knew, we were running down the many twisting hallways of Hogwarts. (Well, we were running the best we could, considering how a) our legs aren't exactly the same height and b) I'm in horrible shape and he's, well… Sirius Black.)

Pretty soon we were at a painting of a bowl of fruit and he was tickling a pear. And then he was pushing my through the doorway it made.

"House elves!" He yelled, grinning around the room. "You beautiful, darling creatures you!"

The next moment we were surrounded by the tiny creatures responsible for the horrible, disgusting food I had come to loath so.

"Master Black!" They cried in unison, as they shoved many platters at him. "Master Black, we've got food!"

"Yes," he said gravely, nodding and looking down at them all like a king upon his subjects. "You have food, and I have a fair maiden looking for sustenance!"

They all blinked owlishly at him.

"Means she's hungry," he said, pointing to me.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!"

After about one point three seconds, I was the proud owner of a plate covered with literally twenty different kinds of pastries.

"Thank you boys!" Sirius said, as he plucked the tray from my buckling arms –shut up, that tray was _heavy_- and put his hand to the small of my back. "This will be all for now."

"If you need anything, Master Black, we're here for all your needs," was the last thing I heard before Sirius and I were left to our own devices.

He led me to a table in the back of the kitchens and put the platter down on the table. "Bon appetite," he said, and then sat down in the chair across from mine.

"Um…" I said.

"What?" He asked, looking up from the doughnut in his hand.

I felt a smile slowly spread across my face. "Nothing," I answered, and reached for a small cake. "Except that you have a horrible French accent."

"Well, mademoiselle, you would too if you were held captive by Germans…"

For the better part of two hours, Sirius and I just hung around the kitchens, talking and eating pastries. And I'm not gonna lie, but it was the most fun I've had in a while.

And there weren't even any awkward moments.

…

Well, OK, there was ONE. But it wasn't really while we were in the kitchens. And it wasn't awkward, per say, just… strange. It was while he was walking me to my common room, and I was talking to him about something or other, when he just randomly pushed me up into one of the alcoves in the wall.

"Shh," he said, pressing himself against me. "Someone's coming."

For a split second I stiffened against him and gasped, but he just leaned against me even more and shushed me again.

And for a couple tense moments, we just kind of held each other in the darkened alcove, waiting for whoever was walking around to pass. No one did, but eventually Sirius pushed himself off of me and said in a husky whisper, "I think the coast is clear."

And then he walked me back to my common room in silence.

…

He smells good.

A lot better than the girly smell of girl.

…

…

ANYWAY, I'm thinking that this whole… Sirius Black coming to my house for the holidays thing isn't going to be as bad as I had kind of secretly thought it might be.

In fact it might actually be kind of…fun.

* * *

**December 13  
****Common Room  
****11:36 PM**

OH SWEET MERLIN HE'S COMING TO MY HOUSE TOMORROW.

AKSDJFAKJDSFAJKDHFASASDKJHFALDSFHALDSJFHADSFADSF.

* * *

**Disclaimer:** So yea… not J.K Rowling. Just a lonely, lonely teenage girl. 

**Author's Note: **Um.. yea.. this chapter is kind of disjointed and I don't really like it much, but whatever. It was more of a filler chapter to get to the good one- The Winter Holidays! WHOOOO.

On to the thing that everyone was wondering about- The Contest! Here are the winners!

Pippa: Scarlett Johansson (superman.is.my.lover)  
Lily: Alyson Hannigan (padfootzluvr)  
James: Brandon Routh (hazel maraa)  
Sirius: Trent Ford (StarLightStarright567)  
Sofia: Julia Stiles (StarLightStarBright567)  
Remus: Hayden Christensen (padfootzluvr)

There are sample pictures of the winners on my livejournal (1stofthegeeks). If you're that interested in looking at them –and to see what I mean by what I think they look like, the pictures on there are pretty good- you should go there and be wowed. Plus, I'm a pretty cool person. So there's that added bonus.

But anywubbly. If you were one of the winners, send me your info: Name, age, looks, most interesting thing about you, catch phrase, anything else you want me to know. And if you weren't one of the "winners" per say, you should still send in your info. 'Cause I still need more people, and I'll probably just randomly pick and choose some people to be all up in the next chapter, mmkay?

And you should... ignore the typos. 'Cause there are a lot of them.

So anyway, drop me a line and tell me about what worked and what didn't, and I'll try to update as soon as I can. (Only with the multitude of crap I've got to do, I'm not sure when that will be. So… there ya.)

You're all pretty ponies. :-)

Melissa


	17. I am NOT Optimistic!

**December 14  
****Common Room  
****6:32 AM**

Oh Sweet Merlin,

Why have you forsaken me?

Isn't it enough that the vast majority of my peers hate me enough that they wouldn't mind throwing feces at me? Or that I have to sleep on a couch in the Common Room because people think I might somehow end up killing them? Or EVEN that both my mother AND my father seem to have a tally sheet up regarding the size of my breasts?

Isn't it enough?

No? Oh, it's not? Now you suddenly wish to make even MORE girls hate me, make my mother and father think that someone ELSE has a fascination with my breasts, and make me feel, at most times during the day, very confused? Oh, well, I'm sure I can deal with _that_. I mean, it's not like my life is hard enough as it is. Nope, it's easy as pie –which, by the way, is a very strange expression- and I'd life for you to make it just a _little_ bit harder for me.

To test my mental fortitude, as it were.

So go right ahead.

Make me invite Sirius Black to my house for one week and four days.

And then somehow twist the world order around so he'll say yes.

No, this won't add anymore stress to my life. What with school, Slytherins wanting me dead, detentions, and the fact that I have no idea what the hell the weird feelings in my stomach are whenever I see on Sirius Black, I find myself at… loose ends.

I need something to do with the VAST amount of time I have.

MmHmm.

…

YUP.

…

…

I'm smiling at you Merlin, because you're such a SWELL guy. :)

…

…

OK! YOU'VE CAUGHT ME.

I WAS BEING SARCASTIC.

Because that is the only thing I CAN do right now, instead of flipping out that TODAY is the day that Sirius Black will be coming to my house to meet my huge HOARD of a family.

Like my Uncle Thadeous, or my cousin Jane, who's so hyper my head hurts, or my mum who thinks it's just fine to talk about strange things she did while partying in university –If I have to hear one more time about when she won the Wet Robes Contest, I think I may explode-, or even my dad who is so large and imposing he's actually made some of my younger cousins pass out.

Please, Merlin, DON'T MAKE THIS HAPPEN WHILE SIRIUS IS THERE.

Because I really couldn't stand yet ANOTHER person thinking I'm the weirdest thing to come out of it's mother's womb since Peter.

So if you could make this weekend nowhere near as weird, strange, stressful, and confusing as you make my everyday life, I'd really appreciate it.

If you do this, I'll pray at your alter ever day –I know I don't have an alter NOW, but I'd be happy to go and get one- and I'll tell everyone what a kickarse guy you are. I'll even make you a birthday cake!

It'll be big!

And… um… BLUE!

WITH SPRINKLES ON IT!!!

…

…

Please accept this bribe.

Otherwise I may just go and fulfill everyone's wish by killing myself.

Yours in supreme hope,

Pippa Rightwing.

**6:36 AM**

OK.

That might have been a TOUCH overdramatic.

So I shall go and revise.

…

Otherwise I may just go and fulfill everyone's wish by never coming out of hiding.

…

There, that's much better.

**6:36 AM**

Although I would certainly have to come out for classes, eating, and detention.

BUT THAT IS IT.

…

You da man, Merlin.

You da man.

**Train Compartment  
****8:52 AM**

So far, I think my bribe with Merlin has worked.

No mishaps have happened since we left school. No awkward silences since we've been on the train. No creepy Slytherins flying through the air to land in a heap on the floor and start a chair reaction of doom and despair that will last the entirety of my sixth year at Hogwarts.

And since none of these things have happened yet, I'm holding out hope that the rest of this week and four days won't be horrible either.

I'm being OPTIMISTIC.

It's something new I've decided to try out.

As of so far, it's been going along swimmingly.

…

Well, except for when I tripped getting into our compartment, and then landing on my face. I have some marks on my face from the floor, but Sirius told me that they'll come off. According to him, a train ride to Hogwarts isn't a train ride to Hogwarts unless Peter falls down and gets marks on his face.

I was amused, at least until I realized that he was equating me to Peter.

…

I'm sure he wasn't doing it on purpose, but still.

I AM NOT PETER.

I DO NOT LICK PEOPLE'S LEGS.

…

…

I realized that that was a very weird place to leave off with the rant, but I had nothing else to say so.. yea.

…

…

Why do I even open my mouth?

WHY?

…

UGH.

…

…

…

So.

…

I may or may not have lied when I said there haven't been any awkward silences between me and Sirius as of yet.

…

OK.

I _did_ lie.

But it's only a tiny one.

…

…

STOP LOOKING AT ME ALL SUPERIOR, AND LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY LIE, DARNIT.

Journal.

…

Pfft, yea, I showed you.

Inanimate object.

What as I strike a pompous pose.

…

Yes. Yes that is quite majestic.

…

…

What was I talking about again?

Oh, yes!

THE AWKWARDNESS.

Ugh.

Essentially, Sirius and I haven't spoken at all during the… ten minutes or so we've been on the train. Minus the part about the falling on the face, and the Peter, and the… Yea, that's about it.

…

WE HAVEN'T TALKED AT ALL.

And I don't know about you, but to me that makes me think this whole week and four days thing is going to be full of several awkward silences.

Because we won't talk to each other.

And then my family will think that we're not really dating, and everyone will think that I'm a liar, and then all my girl cousins and three of my male cousins will think he's fair game, and I'm not sure why that will upset me, but it will.

Probably because he's supposed to be MY boyfriend, and they're going to try and get all up on him and try and do wanton things with him, when they shouldn't because he's MY BOYFRIEND.

And he's not going to be able to resist them –well, except for the males. I'm fairly certain that Sirius and not gay-, because he's Sirius and my cousins are gorgeous and I'm just gonna be standing there and my mum and dad are going to find out that I lied and that Sirius isn't REALLY my boyfriend and then they're going to think I'm a lesbian and knowing them, they'll randomly pull out my third cousin twice removed and be like, "Yay! TIME FOR AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE," and since I'm meek and Pippa Rightwing, I won't be able to say no and life will be HORRIBLE and Sirius will get married to my one cousin Hazel 'cause she's all tall and pretty and whatnot and really one of the only cousins I can stand and I'll be forced for the rest of my life to go to family functions and be with my lesbian lover, all the while wondering what could have been if only there HADN'T BEEN ANY AKWARD SILENCES BECAUSE I AM TOO SHY/WEIRD AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO START A COVERSATION.

…

But mainly I'd be angry 'cause my cousins always tried to steal my stuff when I was younger, and they're not going to get away with stealing my boyfriend, dammit.

Even if he's only a fake boyfriend.

…

…

Whoo.

That was nice to get off of my chest.

…

Even if it accomplished NOTHING, and I'm still in the middle of an awkward silence with me and my 'boyfriend'.

UGH.

I should have just taken Remus.

At least right now we might actually BOTH be feeling embarrassed and THAT'S why there's an awkward silence. Which I know isn't the case right now, because Sirius is just sitting across from me, looking very at ease indeed as he writes in his own journal.

In fact, he's even smiling.

I wonder what he's writing about?

…

Probably how amused he is right now. That he's stuck in a train compartment with ME of all people, and the only reason he's going is for the free food and the easy family members.

GAH.

THIS WAS SUCH A BAD IDE-

**10:32 AM**

Ugh.

My life stinks.

Why? you may ask.

Well, OBSERVE:

"So, I think we need to talk more about what we're supposed to act like," Sirius said, just as I was about to freak out and embarrass us both. Or rather, embarrass myself and make him feel amused. BUT STILL.

"Um… what do you mean?" I asked. And no, I didn't sound in the LEAST BIT grateful that he was talking to me. What would make you think such things?

He closed his journal and set it down on the seat next to him. "I mean, how are we supposed to act around your family to make it seem like we're dating?"

I blinked at him. "Um…," I answered, mainly because I couldn't think of anything else to say.

He leaned forward in his seat and leveled me with that stare of his, the one that I can never understand and that always makes me feel tingly. … Probably I shouldn't have shared that last bit. "How have you acted with your other boyfriends around them?"

"Well, I've only ever dated Lucius, and they never saw me with him, they have no idea how I act with my boyfriends. So… pretty much anything is good. No need to do anything that you don't want to do." And then I tried my best to smile at him, which is a lot harder than it sounds, mainly because he was glowering.

"That wasn't dating between you and Malfoy," he fairly growled, before switching to my side of the compartment so rapidly that it was almost had to follow.

My blinking was back as I spoke next. "Um… well, no, it wasn't. Mainly because he was only using me to get to my parents. Which, if you think about it, is really a very jerky thing to do to-"

He waved his hand in front of my face in a Gaelic manner, probably to try and get me to stop talking about Lucius. Which, really, I can't blame him for wanting me to do, mainly I don't like talking about him, and I can't imagine he likes HEARING about him.

'Cause, you know, he's an arsehole.

…

Malfoy, I mean. Not Sirius.

…

ANYWAY.

"So you parents have no idea how you act with someone you're dating?" he inquired, looking down at me.

"Well, no," I responded, shaking my head. "Though truth be told, I've don't really know I act in a relationship myself-"

Suddenly, he was grinning in a manner which I've never really seen before, and his eyes had fairly changed colors. I know this because he was all of a sudden sitting very close to me. "Then we should decide how to act in front of your parents," he said, leaning in closer to me. "Don't you think?"

"Um…"

"Would you let your boyfriend put his arm around you, Pippa?" he asked, his eyes holding mine. And before I had taken a breath to respond with, he had wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

I swallowed. "Yes, I think I would let my boyfriend do that," I answered, happily noting that my voice hadn't squeaked like I was afraid it might. Well, it DID. But not enough that I think he noticed it.

I… hope/think/pray.

"That's good," he said. And then he raised his other hand above my leg. "Would you let your boyfriend put his hand say… _here_?" he questioned with a raise of his eyebrow, before setting his hand on my bare knee.

"I wouldn't be adverse to it," I responded, trying to ignore the sensation that his hand on my leg was causing. Sadly, I was not successful.

He nodded his head as if this made sense. "That's good," he commented. "Great, even. It's nice to have standards."

The tingling in my leg was getting harder to ignore. "I think so."

"Mmm," he said, looking at my lips. I opened my mouth to say something, _anything_, but then he was looming over me, and I had forgotten what I was going say. "Would you let your boyfriend kiss you, Pippa?"

I licked my suddenly dry lips. "Yes, I rather think I would."

"Thank Merlin," he said, sounding a bit desperate, before lowering his head to mine.

…

…

I bet you want me to go into detail about this kiss, don't you?

Well I'm sorry, you lecherous little journal, I CAN'T.

Because some things are private between two people, and should not be shared with any other people.

Or journal, as the case may be.

…

Also, after the initial pressing of his lips against mine, there was a knock on the compartment door. We broke apart, him swearing and me blushing, to find two girls standing outside in the corridor, looking at us with rapt attention.

It was Lily and Sofia, and they looked to be as shocked as I felt.

"Dammit, why didn't you tell me they were going to be here?" Sirius asked, getting up off of me. He ran a hand through his hair.

"They said they were going to be in Lily's boyfriend's compartment," I answered, my face feeling like it was going to burst into flames. "I didn't think they were going to… interrupt us while we were… erm…"

"Kissing, Pippa. While we were kissing."

"Right," I said. "I didn't think they would interrupt us while we were, er.. kissing. Mainly because I didn't think we were going to be kiss-"

He closed his eyes, looking pained. "Don't finish that sentence." He took a deep breath. "And for Merlin's sake, let them in before they break down the door."

I looked to where Lily and Sofia were still standing outside the compartment, looking surprised. "Er…"

"I'd do it myself," he said, "but I find myself… indisposed." He made a motion with his hand to convey… I have no idea. Probably something male that I'll _never _understand.

"Erm… alright," I responded with, mainly because there was nothing else I could say. After one more look at Sirius –who, it might be said, was still looking uncomfortable. I wonder why?- I got up off of the seat and unlocked the door.

I then nearly feel on my face again, as the door was opened so suddenly.

"What in Merlin's name was _that_?" Sofia asked, putting her hands on her hips. "Didn't you promise me you weren't going to kiss him?"

Sirius's eyes shot open at that.

I ignored his raised eyebrow. "No, I never promised that."

Sofia waved that away. "Well, I sure you would have had I bothered to ask."

"Well, actually, I'm not so sure that I-"

Lily decided that it was her turn to jump on the 'Lets Make Pippa Feel Even MORE Awkward' bandwagon. "Honestly, Pippa. _Sirius_? Hasn't he caused you enough problems?"

"Er… Well, yes but-"

"Hey!" Sirius said, trying to defend himself. "What problems have I ever caused you?"

I turned to him, my hand on my hips. "Do you not remember the past four months of detention?"

He blinked. "Well, yea. BESIDES that, I mean."

I rolled my eyes at him. "How about all the-"

"Ignore Sirius, Pippa," Sofia admonished. "Can't you see that we're trying to talk about him without him interrupting?"

"Hey!" Sirius exclaimed again.

Lily did a good impression of his hand-wave at him. "Shut up, Sirius."

"Excuse me," he responded. "This happens to be mine and Pippa's compartment. Why don't you guys go back to yours?" He blinked as if something suddenly made sense to him. "Hey, why aren't you guys in your OWN compartment?"

"Because Lily broke up with William, and we can't very well sit with him with all that tension in the air. _Obviously_." Sofia gave Sirius a look that implied that she thought him very stupid indeed. "Now, Pippa, why don't you sit over here so we can tell you all about it?" She patted the seat next to her, giving me a smile.

"Er…alright," I said, and moved toward her end of the compartment. Sirius, however, had other ideas.

"Excuse me," he said, grabbing my hand and pulling me to the seat next to him. We were sitting so close that his thigh was pressed up against mine. "She can hear just as well from over here, don't you think?" He gave the both of them looks that dared them to comment.

Sofia, of course, took his dare. "Well, actually-"

Sirius raised an eyebrow, a sure sign that if she continued, he was going to explode, and then there was going to be a big ol' Sirius mess to clean up afterward. Sofia must have realized that he was at the end of his rope, because she turned to Lily and said, "Lily, dear, why don't you tell Pips about how you and William broke up?"

"Well," she said, warming to the task. "It's a plot thick with intrigue- and also lipstick on his neck that is _definitely_ not mine, because it would clash with my skin so very badly…"

Sirius groaned, probably hating the female species, and looked out the window. Lily ignored this, and continued with her story. Which was full of catching her boyfriend and his best friend, who is also on the Quidditch team, kissing.

If this was myself, I'd feel pretty crappy that my boyfriend was cheating on me. Especially with another male, as with the case of William and his best friend. But Lily seems to be taking this all rather well.

So well, in fact, that since the story has ended, she has busted out one of Sofia's romance novels, and has started reading it. (Sofia too is reading a romance novel, but she's notably less involved with the whole boyfriend/breaking up with thing. … What am I talking about?)

I've since taken out my journal and have written down in it. Obviously.

And Sirius is just staring out the window, probably hating me and my friends.

But if he thinks THIS is bad, wait until he gets to my house and meets all my crazy relatives.

He'll probably never want to speak to me again.

Sigh.

…

…

Double sigh.

…

Eh, he doesn't seem COMPLETELY angry at me though. I mean, he's still holding my hand.

Which makes me hopeful that this week and four days won't be as bad as I'm thinking it will be.

…

Damn optimism.

**Carriage On Its Way To My House  
****5:45 PM**

The rest of the train ride was insignificant, mainly because the four of us fell asleep. When I woke up, Lily and Sofia was gone, and Sirius was pulling our trunks off of the rack behind us.

He noticed I was awake and handed me a folded piece of paper.

"They wanted me to give this to you," he said. I looked down at it, and he continued with, "I didn't read it, if that's what you're wondering."

I turned my head towards him, confused. "I know."

He turned back towards the trunks. "Good."

…

Those were the last words we exchanged, and we've been in this carriage for about a half an hour now. We're very close to my house now, and I'm tempted to ask him what's wrong.

But I'm not too sure I'm ready to hear the answer.

…

Does that make me a bad person?

UGH.

I wish I understood what the hell goes on between boys and girls better, because then I'd know what to do in this situation.

Dammit.

…

**6:01 PM**

We are at my house.

…

CRAP.

I'm nervous.

…

What happens if they don't believe that we're dating? What then?

And more importantly, what happens if they don't like Sirius? Will they send him home and do even MORE damage to our already… confusing relationship? Or will they let him stay here, regardless?

Ugh.

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH.

…

I am a pile of goo on the ground.

Ugh.

…

…

What should I do? Should I tell him I'm sorry? Should I give him a hug like I would with Lily and Sofia and tell him he's still my friend?

Dammit.

WHAT DO I DO?

…

…

UGH.

…

Dear Merlin,

If you're still there, I'd like to ask one more favor from you.

Please don't make Sirius feel any more awkward or upset than he already does.

Thanks.

…

…

I turn towards Sirius, feeling like I should say something, anything, before we walk towards what is sure to be eleven days of pure Hell, but before I can, he holds out his hand.

I smile gratefully at him, recognizing it as an olive branch, and I know that as soon as I take it, things are going to be different.

…

I hope I'm ready for whatever's to come.

* * *

**Disclaimer:** I equal NOT JK Rowling.

**Author's Note: **Ok sooo… I know that this isn't what you guys thought this chapter was going to be. But If I posted this as well as the next eleven days, you guys would have probably over forty pages to read. And I'm not too sure you guys would want to read all of that. Also, if I had to write all of that and put it up for one post, I'm fairly certain that it would take me MUCH longer to update. (Speaking of which, sorry it took so long. –sheepish-) So… you guys get this for now.

So.. yea.

Things kind of got… very… WEIRD at the end there. Probably because I'm essentially high off medicine right now. But… um… at least we known now that Pippa isn't as selfish as I generally make her sound. … I think/hope/pray.

Um. YEA.

If you haven't noticed, not everyone who has won was mentioned in this chapter. Mainly because I don't have all of ya'll information. So… yea. Winners who weren't mentioned- SEND ME YO INFO, JO. (Along with you, Acciobook. 'Cause I lost your info. –sheepish-) And never fear! You shall be mentioned more in the actual chapter:)

Anyway, SORRY FOR THE CRAPPY UPDATE!

And as always- ignore the typos and such. At least, until I can go back and fix them.

And I if you have a livejournal, drop me a line, yo.


	18. I am NOT Part of This Family! pt 1

**December 14  
****10:32 PM  
****Bedroom!**

So, I've given it careful consideration, and I've decided that the only word I can say in this situation is:

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADFAFAJHDFAKJHDFEAASDFADFURAUY!!!!!!!!!!"

And yes, I realize that isn't exactly a word per se, but dammit, I'm Pippa Rightwing. And frustrated. And apparently the girlfriend of Sirius Black. And I'm such a good one that when my parents open the door to see me standing there with my hand in his, all I can think to say is, "Goo."

This is also not a word. However, it is apparently the secret code noise for girls' fathers to freak out, because once I said this, my dad instantly went into attack mode and launched at the place where Sirius and I were connected, i.e the hand.

And apparently the Rightwing family isn't one for actually SPEAKING, as the only sound he made was, "ROOOOOOOOOOOAR!"

Also, -in case you haven't noticed from the above paragraph- my parents are INSANE. I had always had my suspicions, as my mother likes to tell me inappropriate stories regarding her underwear and my breasts, and my father burns his nipples, but now I know for sure. As the only thing my mother did to try and help Sirius and myself -who were kind of just standing there in shock as my father tried to rip apart our hands (though I'm pretty sure he was actually trying to rip apart Sirius).- was to clap her hands and go, "Oh goodie! They're getting along so well!"

At this moment in time, I came to my senses -SOMEONE has to be the sane one in this family. And it's a sad day when it's me- and said, "Mum! Get Daddy off!"

(Yes, I call my father Daddy. What of it?)

My mum stood there and giggled and responded with, "Oh, shut up sweetheart. Can't you see they're getting acquainted?"

Realizing that my mother is delusional, I recognized that only I would be able to prevent one of Gryffindor's star Quidditch players from getting his hand ripped off. So I yelled, "DADDY!" at the same time Sirius asked, "Sir?"

I'd like to think it was the fact that it was his daughter yelling out his name -at least… to her- that made him realize he was acting like a mad man, but in all actuality it was probably the fact that Sirius was being polite. Ish.

In fact, I'm pretty much certain that it was this, as my father went, "Yea, that's what you'll call me. Sir. And nothing else. Unless it's Mr. Rightwing. You understand that, son?" And then he did this scary eye twitching thing that made me think that he maybe, possibly, probably would shank Sirius if ever given the opportunity. In his sleep. While he's defenseless.

I'm not too sure if Sirius quite understood that his life was in danger by his response of, "Yes, sir," but I'd like to think he's not stupid. At least… not entirely.

It was then that my mother decided to be, well, herself, as she smiled and said, "Oh, you handsome little devil you, my name is Adelle Worthy-Rightwing, but you can call me Adelle. And the beast of a man who just finished greeting you is my husband Richard. You can call him Richard."

My father looked Sirius dead in the eye and said, "Sir. You can call me Sir."

My mum then giggled like a little school girl and said, "Come! I'd bet you just want to meet the rest of the family!" She took my father's arm and said, "Stop being scary, Bear. He's too handsome to realize you're just kidding."

…

I'm not actually sure what that means, but my father took this opportunity to turn around and glare at Sirius and I, who were still standing in the doorway.

"He's not that handsome," he then replied, making my mum giggle.

"Yes he is, Bear. Now be quiet or I'll think you're jealous."

I could write down what my father said next, but it involves a lot of words I don't like to say. Also, a lot of grumbling, and we've already established that the Rightwing family doesn't know how to say words.

…

…

ANYWAY.

So Sirius and I were standing in the doorway, kind of awkwardly, our hands still together. (Mine was burning, though I'm pretty sure that was from the beat down it received from my father. … That definitely just made him seem abusive. He's not. He's just… protective of my virtue, which I can completely understand. … Not that my virtue is in need of protecting, mind you. Sirius is not getting anywhere near my secret flower! … Not that he'd want to, mind you. I mean, sure, he likes to try and kiss me and the like, but I think he likes to do that to amuse himself. … I'm pretty sure I should just shut up now.) I was about to say something along the lines of, "Welcome!" but that just seemed stupid. Not sure why though.

But Sirius saved me from saying something stupid -why can't he be around all the time? … ! … I meant because I'm always saying stupid things and he stopped me from saying something else stupid! … I'm just going to stop talking- by going, "That was nice."

I looked at him like he was crazy.

"Are you kidding me? My father just tried to kill you!"

He grinned. "Correction- tried to kill my hand. There's a difference."

I'm not actually sure that there is, but I decided to let him think he was right on that one.

"He was just showing me who's boss. I can respect that." He led me into my house and kicked the door closed.

"You seem like you've done this sort of thing before," I said, sarcastically, because he was just so oblivious to the fact that my father wanted him dead.

He shook his head, and strands of his hair fell onto his forehead. "Actually, no I haven't." Then he smirked. "You're the only girlfriend of mine that I've ever met their parents."

I opened my mouth to respond with something along the lines of, "AHHH!! WE'RE NOT REALLY DATING! GAAH!", because, well, seriously dating Sirius Black would not only be confusing as all get out, but would, in fact, be a pun.

But before I could say that dating him would be a pun, and make him realize that I'm colossally stupid, he asked, "OK, soo… where exactly are we going right now?"

I sighed. "The lions den."

His eyes lit up. "You have a pet lion!?"

I blinked at him. "No, of course not. I meant the living room, where the rest of my family is."

"Oh."

Shaking my head, I asked him, "You do realize that you just sounded like Peter, right?"

"Shut up."

And then I laughed at him, just to make him feel better. "Come on, the living room is this way."

And then we walked in an almost frighteningly companionable silence. At least, I though it was companionable. He was probably still upset over the fact that I don't have a pet lion.

…

Tee hee, I just snorted.

…

…

That was almost ridiculously girly. Probably I should never do that again.

OK, good, glad we established that.

…

Anyway, so, we were walking down the hallway when Sirius goes to me-adkljfajlksdfhjklawdhfaliwheraiowueyhfalkhdflakdhfalkdhalkdfhASDFIAHDFLALSKDJHA!af!?

Parchment just fell down from up on top of my desk and scared the crap out of me. It was probably a Gollum or a troll or something else completely EVIL, something that wants to climb on top of my head and SMOTHER me while I'm sleeping, and then steal my brains out of my head to try and get at any of the top secret Ministry information I might have, forgetting, of course, that it's my FATHER who knows all the secrets o' doom, and that he never really talks to me of about anything of that nature, unless it's to say stuff like, "Pippa, don't join the Ministry. They'll suck all the juices out of you." And I'm not actually sure what that MEANS, but that definitely sounds like something that a creature who climbs around behind papers on desks to wait for girls to fall asleep so they can steal their brains would do! And oh sweet Merlin, it's got a tail to wrap around me throat! GAHHHHHHHHH-

…

Oh, heh, it's just my cousin Melinda's cat.

…

…

We're never going to talk about that, OK?

OK, good.

…

I don't really like cats.

They're sneaky.

Always… sneaking around. Being sneaky.

…

I think it's safe to say I will never write a novel.

…

Where was I?

Oh! Yes! WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY!

So! We were walking, being all… companionable, when he stops and looks and me and goes, "Just so you know, I don't think you're weird. Everyone's family is out there. I know mine certainly is."

…

Now, I don't know about you, but if a guy says that to you, just when you're second guessing asking him over to your house in the first place because your mother will undoubtedly decide to tell him stories of how you ran around the house naked and ran into walls and left prints because you were wet from your bath, well… you kind of have the urge to… well… kiss him.

…

I know! Crazy, right?

…

I meant the kissing part, not the naked-wall-running-into part, though that too is crazy.

…

So! We were standing there, me probably with my mouth open like a fish, feeling this overwhelming urge to kiss him, and he leans down and whispers next to my ear, "So you can stop spazzing, OK? Everything's going to be fine."

It was then that I snapped out of my wanting to kiss him reverie, and was about to tell him-

But before I could tell him anything, my father came barreling down the corridor, screaming like a madman, "NO WHISPERING! NO SECRETS! NOOOOOOOOO!"

Sirius broke apart from me in the nick of time -as otherwise my father would have ran straight into him and probably would have made it impossible for him to have children in the future- and asked, "Sir?"

Then there was the sickening sound of my father careening into the front door.

And then about five hundred of my family members came rushing out into the corridor, all of them yelling, "Richard!," or ,"Rich!" or even once or twice, "Pookie!". (That last one is from his cousin Raul. … I don't think I want to know where the hell that nickname came from.)

So everyone's freaking out, and spazzing, and my dad is just like, "I'm fine! I'm fine! GET OFF ME WOMAN!" (My guess is that his cousin Angelic was standing too close to him, like she always does. She's still upset that he called off their arranged marriage on the grounds that they're first cousins.) And everyone's standing around on the now completely broken down front door and freaking out, and I'm about to explain that since my father works in the Ministry, he doesn't like secrets being told around him, when all of sudden I hear laughing. Everyone stops what they're doing and looks my way.

…

At first I thought it was Sirius, and was about to say prayers for his soul, for once my father was done with him, there was only going to be, like, a left shoe and a pigger toe left of him, but then I realized it was my cousin Hazel.

Everyone looks at her and raises a collective eyebrow (meaning they all raised one, not that they all have one eyebrow, as that would be CREEPY) and she just lets out a little giggle and pretty much doubles over laughing.

Completely oblivious to the fact that our entire family is wanting her dead, she looks up from where she's practically heaving, she's laughing so hard, and goes, "You just got owned up the side of your face. Twice!" And then she dissolves into the giggles all over again.

…

It was very… odd.

I'm not even sure what that last bit even MEANS.

…

Hopefully nothing.

…

ANYWAY.

Everyone lets out scandalized gasps, except for the cousins that are around my age, as they apparently understand what the heck she's talking about, and then my father gets up and says something about them needing to go back into the living room, and that dinner's almost ready, and that things are going to be happening, and everyone just except for my cousins stay leaves and goes back to whatever they were doing in the living room.

And so then me and these people who I used to be really close with when I was younger are standing around in the hallway, all of them looking and me and Sirius, who seems completely dazed/amused, listening to the dulcet tones of Hazel laughing her arse off.

So we're staring at each other, Sirius and I still joined at the hand -and they weren't even sweaty or anything, which is totally WEIRD 'cause we'd been holding them for like, forever- when my cousin Rose goes -heh, that totally RHYMED-, "So, how long have you two been dating?" and proceeds to take out an imaginary pen and paper like she's a reporter.

"Yea!" Her closest cousin/friend/family member Sue echoes. And she pretends like she's holding out a microphone, like the Muggles use (Lily told me about them, and they're… I'm not sure where I was going with that.) "I need the time, date, place, what happened, when was your first kiss, have you made babies yet, have you PROPOSED yet Sirius? And, um… anything else that I might like to know!"

Rose pushes up imaginary glasses. "Was it… sensuous?"

"Was it stimulating?"

And then my cousin Jessica goes, "Did you swoon? 'Cause I definitely would have swooned."

I was beginning to get very a)scared, b)confused, and c) overwhelmed by the whole interrogation thing, and I was about to say something stupid like, "Heh! I'M NOT A LESBIAN!" when Sirius came to my rescue by saying, "Well, I don't know about her, but I certainly swooned." And he kisses me on the forehead.

My cousins all let out a collective, "AWWWW!" And my cousin Jane, who's like, the most hyper of all my cousins -which is pretty hard to be, actually- goes, "Ohmygawd! Ohmygawd! Ohmygawd!" and does this little jig around the hallway. Then she takes my hands and pulls me into the middle of all my cousins and proceeds to jump and skip around in a circle.

All of my other cousins join in and are chanting, "Yay! Whoo! Awesome! Dinosaur Jesus! Whoa! Yea! WHEE!" and jump around us like we're a maypole or something, and we're all prancing and acting like, "Majestic gazelles," as Jessica says, and I'm looking at Sirius in an, "Oh sweet Merlin, HELP ME!" kind of way, when he jumps in and starts freaking out like the rest of us. Everyone stops for a moment and looks to him, and then to me, and then Jane pulls him into the middle of the circle so that it's the two of us jumping up and down in the center while everyone dances around us.

…

It was all very surreal.

Also vastly amusing.

…

And then my cousin Roxanne walks into the hallway and goes, "Excuse me, dorks? Yea, dinner's ready." And then flounces out like she's the ruler of the universe or something.

…

That kind of put a damper on the whole partying thing.

…

So we all trudge down the hallway, saying random things here or there, kind of dejected by the whole bitchyness factor of Roxanne, and we walk into my dinning room.

And it's full of my family.

And there are a lot of us.

Like… over a hundred.

'Cause we just can't seem to stop _procreating. _

Sigh.

…

So anyway. We get into dinning room, and my entire family is there, and they look at us when we walk in and start talking softly -not whispering, 'cause they don't like to get yelled at by my dad- and I hear my mum go, "Over here, Pippa! And bring your little stud muffin!"

…

You know, it just occurred to me that the term, "stud muffin," makes absolutely NO sense. I mean, seriously, who wants to eat a muffin with studs in it? You'd, like, but open your stomach and start bleeding internally and then there'd be nothing left of your innards, and then you'd be DEAD.

And that would be a really sucky way to go.

I'm just saying.

…

ANYWAY.

So we walk over to the front of the table, and, like, five THOUSAND Rightwings/LastNamesOfPeopleThatMarriedIntoOurIllustriousFamily look at us as we do so.

And then Sirius goes, "I feel like I'm in the Great Hall at school. Only there's no greasy Severino trying to eat my soul."

I'm not ashamed to say I gagged at the thought of Severino in my home.

…

Ew.

…

See! I did it again!

…

It's probably not a good thing to gag whenever you think of someone.

I mean, I'm just saying. That's probably not healthy.

…

Where was I?

Oh! Yes! The Walk o' Despair.

Well, OK, so we're walking, and we get to the head of the table, and it's all very creepy, what with everyone staring at us, and we sit down and my dad goes, "Sirius," and gives a curt little nod. And I saw my mom smile, so I know that she told him to do it. And I bet when she told him to do it, she was like, "Well! At least she's sharing her sacred flower with someone else's flower! I mean, what if it's a WEED? Much better if she's sharing it with, oh, I don't know, a _spade _or something"

Which is a very creepy thing for me to be thinking, as I thought that in my mother's voice.

…

I need help.

…

So yea.

Sirius says, "Sir," back, and he pulls out a chair for me, and helps me into it -this earned him some major brownie points with my mother, let me tell you. My dad seemed to realize that it was just a show, however, and glared at his food grumpily- and then he sits down next to me.

And then there's a silence as everyone looks at us, and I'm just sitting there awkwardly, because, well, it's me, and then my mother lets out this outrageous giggle and goes, "OK everyone! Dig it! Just not to each other!"

And then everyone laughs at my mother's horrendous idea of a joke, when in all actuality she's just making dirty jokes that really don't even make sense.

…

Maybe you actually need to have sex before you get to understand dirty jokes.

Maybe it's like a right of passage?

I don't know.

…

RIGHT!

Well, we're sitting there, and everyone's eating, like, roasted mongoose or something, and I look down and I see-

A loaf of bread and a bowl of soup.

The bowl has a yellow smiley face on it, and I know that my mum put it out especially for me.

And then I get really happy that I'm home, and that my mum and dad love me enough to put out food especially for me, 'cause they know I'm a picky eater, and I've got Sirius next to me, which is, oddly, making me very happy, and everything just seems _right _in the world, and I'm happy and at peace and such.

And then my mum ruins it by going, "OK, you sexy little thing you, how'd you meet my daughter?"

And from somewhere down the table I hear my cousins shout, in perfect unison, "Dinosaur Jesus!"

And that's when it occurs to me that Sirius and I, on the long journey where we decided how to act like we were dating each other -I'm not blushing. I swear. … Shut up.- we never actually came up with an idea of how we met.

At least… I couldn't remember if we did.

Which is why I ended up going, "Um… Well, er, you see… Uh…"

My only saving grace is that I didn't actually say, "Hand on my bum!" which is the only thing I could think of saying.

…

That one time in the library sure does come to me at odd moments.

…

…

Anyway! So we're sitting there, and I can't think of a thing to say, when Sirius comes to my rescue and goes, "Well, she was sitting with my friend James' girl Lily in the library, and they were talking, and I asked Lily to give something to James for me as I was going to be spending most of the night in the library studying and…"

And then he devises this long story of how him and I ended up studying together in the library for most of the night!

It made us seem like nerdy, studious people! Ones that actually care about school and, even more importantly, each other!

It was amazing!

(And it was also amusing, like how he kept peppering the story with little anecdotes of how Lily and James were dating. I know he was doing that for my benefit, because, pfft, lets be honest. When will THAT ever happen?)

And my parents ate it right up! My mum had this dreamy look in her eye the entire time, and even my dad seemed impressed, which, I'm not gonna lie, is kind of hard to do.

So all in all, I think it was a success.

Not even my mum going, "That's almost as good as how Richard and I met in a bar, got drunk, and had unprotected sex in a crummy motel!" could ruin it.

THAT'S how good it was.

And at the end of the meal, my dad looked and me and Sirius and shook his hand in a manly fashion, and it was AMAZING.

THIS IS GOING TO WORK!

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

I'm so excited!

Nothing could ruin my mood now!

YAAAY!

…

I think I shall go to bed.

In a bed!

In my bedroom!

Which is right across the hall from Sirius's!

Night!

**11:46 PM**

Oh sweet Merlin.

What if he tries to come in and have his wanton way with me?

I mean, we're pretending to be dating, but what if he thinks this will make it seem like we're really dating to my parents?

…

Wait, that didn't even make _sense_.

GAH!

…

That's it.

If he tries to get in and make sexytime with me, I'm just going to pretend to be asleep.

See if THAT doesn't stop him.

Heh, _that'll_ stop ANYONE.

…

Oh, I am GOOD.

**11:47 PM**

…

What is WRONG with me?

Ugh.

**11:49 PM**

It just occurred to me that I haven't read Sofia's note yet.

Bollocks.

**11: 51**

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

* * *

**Disclaimer: **Nope, not J.K Rowling. Sorry.

**Author's Note: **Heh, long time no update, right? Heh… Heh… Heh… -don't kill me, don't kill me, don't kill me-

…

ANYWAY!

Some things about this chapter.

A) Yes, I'm aware it's only the first day of the eleven that Sirius will be staying with Pippa. But this took 13 pages, and I don't know if you've done the math buuuuut, well, 13 times 11 is 143. And there's NO way I can write 143 pages in one sitting. Soooo, this is going to be, like, the first installment of what's probably going to end up being three installments for this whammy of a chapter. So… Enjoy?

B) Not everyone who won the contest was featured in this here chapter 'cause I didn't GET everyone's information. SO. SEND IT TO ME.

Also, there will be bigger parts in the upcoming chapters of the people who were featured/ weren't yet. So… DON'T WORRY! (Not like you were, but pfft. Whatevski.)

C) On that same note: I hope everyone liked their parts!

D) Sorry it forever for me to update! I was going to have this uploaded over Christmas break but, heh, oops. Life came and kicked me the head. Sorry.

E) Ignore the typos. I have a beta-type person coming to kick the hell out of this fic, but until that happens… bear with me?

F) I LOVE YOU ALL!!

**Melissa**


	19. I am NOT Freaking Out! Really! I'm NOT!

**December 15**

**7:03 AM**

**Bedroom**

Holy Mother of all things Evil and Wicked and Evil (so what if I used that word twice? It fits both times!), how _could _she?? To do such a thing, to even _think_ of such a thing should be enough to have anyone put into St. Mungo's for years and years until all of the hair on their head has fallen out and landed on the floor and made a little pile for mice to live in forevermore! She's nuts! Crazy! INSAAAAANE!

…

I bet you're wondering what I'm spazzing out about this time. And I bet you're thinking that I'm overreacting.

But you'd be completely wrong.

Because for anyone to agree to go out on a date with James Potter must be _insane_.

And granted, yes, it's probably more insane to invite Sirius Black to live in your house for the Christmas Holidays, but we're ignoring that fact because he's right across the hall and, really, there's only so much insanity I can take before my head explodes and makes pretty little designs on my bedroom wall.

…

OK, that was a little gross.

And by a little, I actually mean a lot.

I'm sure you're thinking, 'Suck it up, Pippa! It's really not that bad! There are dogs that are running around in the street and homeless people living without clothes, and that's _much_ worse than what's going on here.'

Well let me tell _you_, SHUT UP.

'Cause this really IS horrible!

It's going to completely change _everything_. I can feel it in my admittedly big bones.

Lily Evans has agreed to go out on a date with James Potter.

JAMES POTTER.

THE GRYFFINDOR EVIL OVERLORD!

THE ONE THAT APPARENTLY SPELLO-TAPED A THIRD YEAR'S BUTT CHEEKS TOGETHER!

…

HOW COULD ANYONE DATE THAT?!

HOW COULD _LILY _DATE THAT!?

I THOUGHT SHE HATED HIM!!

…

Life is _over_ as I knew it.

And all because of a stupid letter.

OBSERVE!:

_Pippa,_

_I think I need to put a little disclaimer out there before you read this, and say, "Really, sugartits, it's not that bad. It was bound to happen, and she seems pretty happy about it. So, really, there's no need to freak out! Yay!! Dance!! Whoo!! WHOOO!!"_

_Now, to tell you what the hell you're supposed to be figuratively dancing about._

_Weeeeell, my little sugarplum (apparently everything starts with sugar today. I'm very innovative, yes?), our dearest and most redheaded of friends has decided to go out on a date with a tall, attractive man of the same age, who hear it told has an _amazing_ way with his tongue. _

…

_See? Yay!! Whoo!! Party!! EVERYONE GET UP AND CHEER!! THAT'S GOOOOOOD NEWS!_

_Apparently, this boy has liked our lovely Lily for years and had attempted to ask her out for just as many years, but Lily always turned him down for one reason or another. Probably because she's sexually repressed and is as oblivious to sexual tension like you are._

…

_But really, that's neither here nor there._

…

_Anyway, Lily has a date with a hot guy, you're out on a love fest with Sirius Black, and I'm me and know how to satisfy my own urges. So all of us girls are good!_

_So, again: See? This is good news! WHOOO!! YAAAAAY!! SPAAAAZ!!_

…

_So, have a loverly time out with Sirius Black and make sure he gives you lots and lots of hickeys, as apparently he's a master at this. (I've never had him try it out on me, sadly, but a rumor's a rumor, and generally they're based on fact. But YOU have, as I remember that one day in the Great Hall when you spilled milk all over yourself and you had ha-UGE hickeys and everyone was jealous 'cause Sirius is the mastaaaaah. _

_Also, I just think you need to get laid so you'll calm down a little._

_Really. It's fun.)_

_Anyway! Have a _GREAT_ time with your family, and I'll see you in two weeks! I suppose I'll come back with hilarious stories to tell you about how my mother is trying to arrange a marriage between me and one of my uni-browed cousins, and all will be back to normal._

_So! I love you mucho and x's and o's and the like._

_Sofia._

_P.S. The guy Lily is going on a date with is James Potter. Just thought I'd let you know._

_P.S.S. I was serious about you releasing all the negative feelings you have right now with Sirius. You have my blessing. Go forth and prosper!_

_Sofia (again)_

…

…

…

DO YOU SEE WHAT I WAS FREAKING OUT ABOUT?!

LILY IS DATING JAMES! SHE HATES HIM! BUT APPARENTLY LIKES HIM TOO!

THIS IS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A REALLY STUPID ROMANCE NOVEL!

Observe!:

"Oh, Bartholomew! I have loved thee for fourteen thousand years! I knew it in my heart! Even when I was beating you with a stick and making bees cover your beautifully hairy body, I knew you were the one for me! Only you can make my inner heart song sing and fly and soar! And sing! I want you! I need you!! COME TO ME!!"

"Ismene! I love your bodacious body! Your self makes my mouth water! You are glorious, beautiful, sexy as all hell! Even when I was setting your hair on fire and using the Wingardrium Leviosa spell on your skirt to make it levitate so I could see your underwear and amazing tush, I knew we were meant to be! LET US MERGE OUR INNER HEART SONGS AND BE ONE WITH EACH OTHER!"

"Oh, Bartholomew!"

"OOOOOH, Ismene!"

(insert sucking noises here.)

(and possibly a moan.)

(and a groan, because that's more a masculine noise for Bartholomew.)

…

…

That's almost as ridiculous as the whole Lily/James thing. Only less so, because it's fake, and the Lily/James thing is _real._

…

Only Lily and James would be like:

"Lily, your name is that of a flower. To me, that is most glorious, most majestic, most- OK, you know what? It's hard to use proper English all day. Mostly I'm just trying to get into your pants and make sweet out with you. Ya dig?"

"… Whatever, James. I'm not acting at all like myself. Sure, lets make out. Only, your hands have to stay _above_ the clothes."

"Aww, DAMMIT."

…

"You sure I can't change your mind?"

"Just shut up and follow my rules, otherwise you're getting nothing at all."

"Pfft, fine. Though I'm gonna touch you _a lot_ to make up for it."

…

And what the heck was Sofia talking about when she said I need to get laid?

I do NOT need to get laid.

I am perfectly relaxed and calm just the way I am, THANKYOUVERYMUCH. I do not need anymore of Sirius's hickeys on my neck to make me relax, because, really, that didn't relax me in _any _way, and instead just made my heart beat really hard and fast and do other not-relaxed things to my body.

…

GAH!

STUPID BOYS!

**7:06 AM**

ADF;JIHADJFKHASDJLKFAH9IEA;LDFHAKJDFHADFADF ALKDSFJ HAWUI!!

**7:12 AM**

…

Honestly, I don't know why I'm freaking out about this so much.

I mean, James is hot in an evil overlord sort of way. And he probably just wore Lily down when she was at her most vulnerable, and once she comes to, she'll just laugh and laugh and laugh, and then beat the hell out of James, because he's a prat and deserves it most of the time, except for that one time when he beat up all those Slytherins who were throwing things at me, even though I'm pretty sure he only did it 'cause Sirius was going to kill all of them by himself, and James wants to kill Slytherins too.

…

That was a very long and rambling paragraph thing that meant/solved basically nothing, but STILL. I think you understood.

…

OK, maybe you didn't.

But still.

I'm not actually sure why I'm freaking out about this so much.

Mostly boys are just stupid and complicate things.

…

And I totally said that first line, like, a minute ago.

I'm stupid and cannot even come up with new and exciting things to say.

It's a wonder you haven't come over here and blown my brains out of my head for being un-unique.

And that's a lot of u's for one word.

…

SEE, I AM STUPID.

I JUST MADE UP A WORD WITH A HYPHEN AND THINK IT'S A REAL WORD, AND THEN I SAID IT HAD TOO MANY U'S.

WHAT THE HELL!?

…

…

…

I need toast.

…

I'm going to eat and entire loaf of bread in toast form and get all fatter and squishier and it will be all boys' fault 'cause they're the ones that made me want to eat an entire loaf of bread in the first place. And then they're going to avoid me even MORE THAN THEY ALREADY DO -which, I'm not gonna lie to you, is a lot. Like…seriously. A lot. The only person who doesn't avoid me, really, is my father, and I'm gone half the time, so it's not like he can avoid me when I'm with him. Even though I know he wants to. Only he'd probably feel guilty because his daughter, whom he doesn't see for practically YEARS AT A TIME, is home, FINALLY, only he can't avoid her BECAUSE SHE'S FINALLY HOME. AND WHAT KIND OF A MAN WOULD THAT MAKE HIM!? … NOT A GOOD ONE! And _certainly_ not one that would make a good Minister of Magic, which I'm pretty sure is his final aspiration in life. … …. Yea, I'm going to stop now.- because I'm a big fat fatty, AND IT WILL BE ALL THEIR FAULT.

Damn them.

DAMN THEM TO THE BOWELS OF THE THIRD FLOOR GIRL'S BATHROOM!

**7:13 AM**

EWWWWWWWWW.

I just got that double meaning.

GROSS!

**7:55 AM**

OK, so maybe boys aren't as stupid and I give them credit for.

…

Mostly that last sentence just sounded weird to me. But no matter. I think I rather got across that I'm apologizing to men in general, as I now realize that they aren't as stupid as I thought they were.

Though they kind of suck individually.

…

What? I'm just saying.

…

…

ANYWAY. I suppose you're wondering what has happened to make me not want to castrate all men and feed their appendages to hungry, rabid dogs.

Besides that being, you know, creepy.

And extremely messy sounding.

…

Right. Well, as I was about to say, after I did my freaking of the out, I walked down to breakfast, hoping that for _once_ there wouldn't be something strange on the table, like pickled dragon eyes -not that that's a breakfast food, per say, but you never know with my family. Especially since my Aunt Ester lived in America that one summer, and everyone knows they eat the strangest things over there- and that I'd actually be able to eat something.

So when I actually got to the dining room, I'm not gonna lie, I was a little afraid of what I would see. Dead animals on the table, maybe a tribal dance or two, but I definitely wasn't expecting to see no one in the room except for Sirius.

"Um, good morning," I said from where I'd stopped in the doorway.

He'd looked up from his seat and sent a smile my way. "Good morning yourself."

Now, don't take this the wrong way or anything, but seeing Sirius Black in my dining room first thing in the morning made me feel extremely… strange. I mean, yea, I've seen him in the morning pretty much every morning for the past six years of my life, but by then he'd already been dressed for the day, perfectly turned out as the school heartthrob.

But I dunno if it was because he was on vacation or what, but he was still in his pajamas, his hair was raised in little tufts all over his head, and he was clearly still half asleep. And him grinning at me from over his toast and orange juice was enough to make my heart flip around a little in my chest and send a curious ball of heat to my stomach.

Which, while not being exactly _normal_, is not really something to think over to an alarming degree.

I mean, it was probably just gas.

…

Er… anyway.

So, I was still standing in the doorway, kind of dazed by there not being anyone in the room except for an oddly appealing Sirius Black, when the boy in question pats the seat next to him. "Come sit by me." I must have given him a funny look or something, because he just smiled again and said, "C'mon. I've got toast, and I know how much you happen to like bread."

Figuring that there was really no reason to stand in the doorway when there was perfectly good toast to be had, I moved over to where he was sitting. "You _would_ use my love for bread against me, you heartless rogue."

…

And no, those words weren't in the least bit flirtatious.

Because I'm not too sure you can flirt about bread.

Also because I wouldn't know how to flirt if my life depended on it.

Which, as I'm not a whore living in the East End of London, it does not.

…

Not that I know about such things as whores, mind you. I'm perfectly innocent of all things.

…

Wait, what?

…

Anyway, so I walk over to Sirius, and the entire time I'm thinking that it's weird that out of ALL THE PEOPLE at my house, Sirius and I have ended up alone. And in the one room where most of my relatives would be, considering how most all of them are hugely fat and like to eat all the time.

So I'm not really paying attention to the fact that by the time I get over to my seat, Sirius has already buttered and jellied a piece of toast for me. It was… well, weird and unexpected. And weird. And strangely sweet.

And so I'm just looking at the toast, really only thinking that just a few moments before all I wanted was a piece of toast, and here Sirius is with some just for me, when Sirius stops moving away the newspaper he was apparently reading and looks at me. "What, strawberry jam not your favorite or something?"

Still looking at the piece of toast -probably like a madwoman- I said to him, "Well, no, it _is_ my favorite. It's just that you don't need to pretend to be my boyfriend when none of my family is around."

…

OK, so, _yea_, that wasn't really the nicest thing to say, given the fact that the man had just gone and buttered my toast and all, but really, I had just heard some distressing news from my good friend Sofia that made me kind of upset at men in general, and… um… yea.

…

I FEEL BAD ENOUGH ABOUT IT ALREADY. THERE'S NO NEED FOR YOU TO LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.

JEEZE.

…

And besides, the look Sirius gave me after I said that is enough to make me feel bad about myself for about half a century. And I felt even worse when he said, in just about the saddest voice imaginable, "You think I did that for your _family_? Do you really not think that I can be a nice person?"

…

Mostly I didn't know what to say to him after that, so I looked down at the toast again. We were quiet for so long that the silence became almost painful, him seemingly hurt and me confused. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, and said the first thing that came to mind.

"No, I know you're capable of… niceness. It's just that… I dunno, I don't know why you're nice to _me_."

…

Yea, I know. Pathetic, right? Also, extremely embarrassing. I mean, who _says_ things like that? That's like coming out and asking for someone to be all like, "Well, actually, I'm nice to you because I feel sorry for you. You have little to no social life, people skills, and you have a strange smell coming from your hair. Mostly, I think you're disgusting."

Hello! Definitely uncool.

However, Sirius didn't say anything like that. Instead, he laid his hand on top of mine and looked into my eyes and said, "I'm nice to you because you deserve it." He must have seen the confused look on my face -though, really, is that any different from my usual face?- because he continued with, "You're a kind, genuine sort of person and you should get some of that in return."

After this I didn't really know what to say, mostly because there really isn't anything _to_ say. So I just looked down at my plate and muttered some kind of thanks. And then I ate my toast with jam while Sirius read the paper.

Then some of my family wandered in and said that there was going to be a scavenger hunt around the grounds in an hour and that we should get ready. So we both finished up and walked upstairs, saying we'd meet outside in the hallway so we could go down together. And then I came in here to write this.

I mean, it's nothing particularly interesting or new or even terribly exciting.

So then why do I feel like something has changed?

**8:54 PM**

So… Um…

That was wildly unexpected.

…

Yea…

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Um… so… sorry about the year and half of silence on my part. I'd like to say that there's a reason for it, but, well, let's be honest. There isn't. Aside from writer's block and my real life getting in the way. So, um… sorry.

HOWEVER. I should be updating fairly regularly from now on, so… expect to see a grand return! Hurrah! Or something.

Melissa


End file.
